to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

It is like you are being interrogated by the police for an instinctive reaction.

Additionally, "playing elsewhere" would be the equivalent of segregating or heavily supervising the problem residents, which is apparently both potentially unacceptable, and not within the OP's control. She can report it, but she can't make them 'play elsewhere' while she visits.

It's really quite bizarre.

I think perhaps people's personal (and sad) experiences with relatives who have dementia are making emotions quite high on this thread, as the responses don't seem quite rational or balanced.

Getting so dreadfully upset over the suggestion that, if a resident has a pattern of assaulting visitors, they receive their visitors in their room during visiting hours, just isn't normal.

What has the height of the stove got to do with it? My 18 month old can get her hand onto the hot part of our average height stove.

Problem residents are highly supervised in responsible care homes. Not just because they might harm other people, but because of the danger of wandering away and dying alone and confused somewhere.

Loss of short term memory is devastating.

Why are you so insulting to women who disagree with you when you appear to think you're a feminist?

I'm a wind up toy?

She could simply visit her grandparent in his room. Or ask to use a spare room, and explain that because of her mental illness she can't guarantee that she won't hit the residents.
They can't control their actions, she can't control hers, so in order to keep her an them safe when she is in their home they need to be separated.

I wouldn't know how that felt.

Seriously? Do you mean an oven or the rings at the top?

I agree to be honest. There seems to be a real inability on this thread to separate “people with dementia deserve compassion and dignity” from “visitors and staff are still allowed to have boundaries and feel safe”.

People are calling it assault to naturally hit back at someone who is touching someone in an unwanted way.

Yes because the stove height is the real important issue here. Keep going with the interrogation detective!

The hob rings on the top.

It is an assault to hit someone.

How can you possibly square your two beliefs?

1. You being touched by someone without mental capacity = sexual assault
2. You smacking someone without intention = not assault

She wants to blame the poster for reacting instinctively.

Sure.

However, separating her and not the residents who are being sexually inappropriate, means that they will be free to sexually violate other visitors (including potentially young people and children), and vulnerable female residents. So while it might work for OP, I'm really not sure it's the best solution for the home to put into place in terms of safeguarding for everyone.

OP have you reported this properly to the care home? Not just the lack of supervision, but the dismissive nature of the care staff? If you haven’t, you should do so, foe everyone’s sake

I guessed so. I even did the exact same thing as that poster and slapped my toddlers hand away the first time she got on her tip toes and almost got her fingers burnt reaching onto the hob! It's a moment of panic.

Yes, that's what ours was as well. Perfectly normal stove, and in my case tall toddlers too. I was always so worried the children would manage to burn themselves, but thankfully I only had one near-miss.

I don't understand why OP and all others that agree with her about hitting a disabled person, can't just move themselves out of the way?? Is there someone wrong with your legs?? Just take a step back for goodness sake! Problem solved, without abusing a resident.

Or if seated and you can't get up for whatever weird reason, put your arm/hand up to block them, without hitting?
Or take their hand in your hand and move it?

It's actually really, really easy to not hit someone.

You're a woman? Good for you. I'd have said the same thing were you a man.

And yes, as in: you've got yourself all wound up and now you just won't stop! Interrogating me over stove heights? Really??

I agree with you to an extent. The home sounds fucking awful if OP is describing it properly. The staff should be protecting residents and keeping visitors safe too.
But OP, by her own account, poses a specific risk to disabled patients. It's obviously foreseeable she will be put in a position where she strikes a resident. It's happened 4 times. I have visited multiple dementia care homes and never seen anything like this. She is a specific and imminent risk to these disabled residents. She shouldn't visit until they have found a way for her to visit which is safe for everyone.

In parallel to that, someone should be raising concerns about (1) visitors treatment by residents (2) whether residents & staff are being kept safe from sexually disinhibited residents and (3) the fact that staff turn a blind eye to residents being hit by visitors.

But imo it's proportionate for her to restrict her movement first. She doesn't have to visit. They have to live there, and they have a shitty quality of life as it is. The first stop shouldn't be solitary confinement for the disabled residents.

Yes I have done. They have tried to implement changes and introduce measures but consistency is an issue as the staff turnover is very high. Also the residents are changing fairly regularly.

All the staff have been very sympathetic and understood why I hit back. Apart from the last member of staff. The manager apologised for what she said.

I have a complaint in progress to the CQC.

Such an odd thing to try and catch you out on. My 18 month old is only slightly above average for height so I imagine the vast majority of three year olds can reach a hob!

You would most likely have been accused of assault and how you should act calmly in that situation and how your child should never be allowed to be near the stove as you should know the dangers.

I will thanks. Would you rather I stopped posting on your thread?