AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

You say that’s really sad and then you accept that they won’t attend events at home. Your Dad upset her, he apologised and that isn’t enough so what else is there to do? I’m not a big fan of shunning people and it would make me think less of her.

She sounds like a drama queen.
More fool your sun for shunning his own grandfather for her.

It personally wouldn’t bother me to have someone comment on my appearance because i am a bit older than your son and simply no longer care. But I can also understand why his gf would not want to come back, imagine you are meeting your new boyfriend’s family and they make a comment about your skin colour.

I think your DS’ GF is completely reasonable to not want to return. Ultimately, nobody has to go anywhere they’ve been made to feel uncomfortable. However, I think your DS is the one in the wrong to not attend. He is a grown man and surely knows how much stress having your vulnerable DF living with you must cause. He should want to support you, even if that support is just providing a bit of cheer by visiting you. He can still support his GF’s decision to not attend whilst attending himself.

Foolish son, my grandma has also lived with my parents for 5 years now and has just been diagnosed with dementia but has had it the whole time and she comes out with stuff you wouldn't take seriously that's either rude or opposite or controversial etc...we siblings and partners all visit daily and know that's part of an illness and never would my gran have spoken like that before because if we took offence we would have stopped visiting years ago to...plus neither would it have been fair on my mum and dad who looks after her and put up with her nasty comments on a daily basis now...well done, not your dad's fault at all it's an illness

As your daughter agrees with your son then I think the grandfather’s comments were a little more racist than you think and you are just dismissing them.
You can still have family events maybe all meet together in a pub or restaurant without your father.

I think you should have a strong chat with your son...

Old people saying slightly offensive things is an unavoidable part of life. Brains regress in elderly years, and I remember research showing that your average 90 year old has around the same mental capacity as a 8-9 year old. Of course they are much more capable through experience, but in terms of pure mental reasoning, things get tough. Add to that they grew up in entirely different worlds with different social norms, and it is 100% going to be the case that "most" elderly people will end up saying inappropriate things.

I would ask him what he will do when you are 85+. The chances are you will also end up saying this that will be rude/offensive based on whatever the standards are in decades years time... will he then refuse to see you?

And what about when he is 85? He will end up saying something that will be rude to his grandchildren, I almost guarantee it... I guess he will just be happy to be alone and never see them afterwards?

Personally, I would go to him - in person!!! - and say that you understand that he feels a big need to defend his girlfriend, and that is great and honorable etc. but, (and then explain what I just did in the first paragraphs)

I can’t see what he said was so wrong, sounds like she is way OTT about this.

He was being racist, of course she felt uncomfortable. Well done to ds for supporting her. You dont seem that bothered about what your dad said OP, so maybe your ds feels that you too might come out with similar remarks.

How much does your son know and understand about your dads condition? Dementia can wreck families, my DH and his brother barely talk now after their mum had a long illness with alzheimers and passed away. The hurt and fall out from whag she did and said during that time was really big.
I think you should sit him down fave to face and explain in detail what grandpa is going through, the caring responsibilities you now have and what to expect from grandapas behaviour as the illness worsens. Hopefully your son is a decent human who will think twice about shunning his family member who has a serious brain disease and he then might have the words to explain this to his girlfriend too.

Well, she's in for a few shocks as she goes through life. And your son, it seems, will be curtailing his own relationships to appease her. Sad.

I think he's an idiot but, of course, you'll have to see what you can do to mollify him and his hair-trigger GF. Good luck.

How is it racist? I have very dark skin for a white brit. People often assume I am Turkish, Greek, Spanish etc.. and say something.. a lot of the time its people from those countries that assume I am from there too. I have had Turkish people absolutely insist that I am Turkish before, despite me explaining that I am not. I get 'where are you from, no where are you really from as your skin is so dark you can not be from from the uk. Your mum or dad must be from 'insert country here'' all the time..
This is different from actual racist commrnts which I have also had when people assume I am from a country and have something horrible to say.

I mean what I wrote is pretty much exactly what my dad said. I can see how that can come across wrong, and I do have a lot of sympathy for my son’s girlfriend. She was on the receiving end of quite a few my dads comments (though this seems to be the one that his stuck and caused an issue as none of the others were mentioned), such as “you’re very tall” “you’re so slim, you must never eat” “isn’t it funny how you say (sons) name wrong” (it has a th sound in it which she struggles to pronounce).
I think this is just because it was the first time my dad had met her and he has a habit of saying whatever he is thinking out loud.

I don’t know that it was racist though? Or rather him just observing that she has darker skin than he expected?

Im not saying she doesn’t have the right to be upset at all, of course she does but my son knows what his granddad is like and I guess I hoped he would explain that there was no ill intent.

Yes I don’t see it as racist either, but I appreciate it’s not really my place to decide what someone else is and isn’t hurt by.
My son did explain that it “triggered” her a little as in school in France people would often assume she was Middle Eastern and she would get bullied for it, but she is 24 now and I’d have hoped she could tell the difference between malicious intentions and passive comments.

There was no call for your dad to comment on her skin tone let alone question your son’s girlfriend’s ethnicity, so until he has a dementia diagnosis, he’s nothing more than a racist old man. Given the insincere apology, the girlfriend will be on edge at any future occasions, wondering when she’s next going to find herself fending off rude and intrusive questions.

What do you do? Start organising social occasions outside the house.

I know I'm the minority here but I'd be proud of your son for standing with his girlfriend and supporting her. Older people can be thoughtless and it's not always related to a memory problem, just stuck in their ways. Your son's girlfriend doesn't ever have to put up with that. I'd ask if they'd be happy for you to visit them regularly or meet at a coffee shop perhaps. Not what you're used to, but supporting them to feel comfortable should be the priority. If his girlfriend feels supported then she may feel able to see your father again in the future.

Okay in light of all this it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to come back!!

What your dad said isnt the greatest but the reaction is way ott completely cutting of family for one comment is extreme. Is your son aware of your dad's deteriorating health and the likelihood of dementia and what that actually means. Is your son really willing to cut of his family because of a new girlfriend.

No wonder she doesn't want to come back. She won't be able to relax and knows that he wasn't genuinely sorry so it will likely happen again.

Why would she put herself through that?

I would be taking your ds to one side and politely explaining to him that the message he is sending is that he won’t come to the house until his grandfather has died. Is this what he intends? Because you feel wishing your father and his grandfather not to be there anymore is more rude than the actual comment. And explain this is how it can be with old people once they lose capacity, that they may inadvertently make stupid and offensive comments. That if he is now refusing to ever see his grandfather again, you’d like to know.

My dh is French btw and we had piss taking from family on both sides. We could have taken offence, but didn’t.

Edit - I’ve just seen your last message. I am now not surprised she’s upset. Maybe you need to talk to his gf and repair things.

Didn't at any point anyone say shut up and leave the girl alone

Well, what your dad said was not great. My 90yo mum can be similar and I agree that elderly people can be lacking in filter. However, today's youngsters can be sensitive and quick to take offence. I find them less forgiving too if they feel slighted.

I assume his gf seemed nice otherwise, and not the type to try and isolate your DS from his family? I think I would be disappointed if my adult child refused to visit occasionally on their own to maintain a relationship with their grandparent. It shows a very unforgiving nature if your DS is willing to cut off his grandfather over one poorly judged comment.

Edited because since posting I've seen your updates. So as well as her skin tone your dad commented on her height, her size, the way she talks. , possibly other things. I'm feeling more sympathetic towards the gf now, but that doesn't excuse your son for saying he'll never visit again on his own.

Oh I’ve just seen your last comment. Hmmm I’m not surprised his gf is upset. Just read that back to yourself and imagine you were her age. Your dad has completely lost his filter.

Criticising how someone pronounces things is also racist. You cannot just not dismiss it as that is how grandad is.
If I were you OP, I would tread very carefully with your son and his girlfriend. She may end up being his long term partner or your DIL.

Perhaps your father has always been a racist. He has just lost his ability to hide it now.
Good on your son for showing solidarity with his girlfriend.