AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

You might be used to your father and therefore dismiss his rude comments as 'meaning no harm'.
Your son's girlfriend was picked upon by a rude elderly man the first time she met the family with you not doing anything to mitigate the impact of his words.
I perfectly understand why she wouldn't want to come back. Your DS probably realises that this is not a one off where his grandfather is concerned and can't trust that it won't happen again.
You are probably so used to his 'comments' and lack of filter that you excuse it and don't see how bad it is.
Moving forward you will need to accept that any functions at your house won't include your son and his girlfriend.

Just like toddlers speak without thinking (some I recall were things like "why is that person so fat" or "why does that person have a big black mole on their forehead" etc) stuff that's tactless or an observation not realising it can be hurtful.
A person with suspected dementia and memory issues would do similar from what I've seen. It reads that it was an observation not intended as offensive.

I am surprised by some comments. Either never had a toddler or dealt with someone with memory issues.
I truly hope those people don't have to deal with someone with dementia as it seems they don't understand how things can come out and sounds like many would jump straight to scolding.

OP I'd be hurt too. Sure it was whatever and she felt whatever but the circumstances should be taken into consideration. He should have understood her but also softened it by explaining.

Let it run its course. If she's that over sensitive to the comment in the exact context it was written I'm sure he will get sick of it soon. Wait it out.

Again shocked by certain posters until I slap myself and remember it is mumsnet, 90% post the opposite of what they'd do just to be controversial anyway. Love the jumps straight to "your dad must have always been a racist"... Please. Ignore the dumb shit OP.. Mumsnet is FULL of it.

If she's that over sensitive to the comment in the exact context it was written I'm sure he will get sick of it soon. Wait it out.

But it wasn't just that one comment. From further posts it was many, many comments. And no one (other than her BF, once), trying to stick up for her or mitigate things.

"Picked upon" my God.
No wonder people are soft these days. How ridiculously over the top. How do you manage life without guidance on the regular?

OP, you may have to accept your son and g/f won't want to visit whilst your dad is there.
However, I think there is a lot of damage limitation you could do.
Meet them both for a coffee, outside the home...explain that you can see the hurt your father caused your son's g/f. Say you were horrified and can understand, (given her back story too), that his many, personal comments were triggering and hurtful...you need to put distance between you, and your DF, so your son and g/f can see you're not endorsing or forgiving your DF.

I would say that what your father said was not acceptable, but that he is not of sound mind and you hope that you and your DH will not be ostracised because of an elderly, demented mind. I think you HAVE to spell it out, like this and show them that you have nothing to do with your father's comments....NOT try to get them to forgive him.

If you are lucky, they may come back....but if anything like this happens again ( and a conversation with your father, beforehand would be advisable), then you need to pull your father up, loudly, so the g/f can see you've got her back, despite risking hurting your rather emotionally-blunted father.

As PPs have said, this could be your DIL, and you need to do everything possible to safeguard that potential future, no matter whether you feel she should be more robust or understanding. These WERE quite a few personal comments, btw...the accumulation of which probably made her snap.
Good luck, hard situation.

Sounds like your Dad might have the beginnings of dementia. But I understand why the girlfriend wouldnt want to come back if she thinks he's being racist.

I wonder how forgiving your DS would be if grandad had a large estate to be distributed after his death😉

Yes, that’s a lot and I’d prefer to not be around someone like that too. How awkward. Anyway, as other have said, you can make the effort to have family
occasions away from your home for a while and hopefully the situation will calm down a little and perhaps they can meet on neutral territory sometime in the future, so that your father can be seated away from her and she can easily leave if he behaves that way again.

By not expecting people I meet to comment my weight, how I speak and the colour of my skin (I’m my case it would be being very pale) . I’m not seeing it as dementia I’m seeing it as most old blokes I met as a young woman or younger at family occasions who would be the ops age or older now who think it’s acceptable to comment on women to their face whether it’s weight or anything else. Which is what he was doing really , exacerbated by the fact she’s foreign which will have further pressed his buttons. It’s very 70’s/80’s isn’t it making fun of Manuel in faulty towers stuff.

I mean, it sounds like his comments were relentless and you all (bar your son) just sat there and let it happen. I suspect if any of the rest of you had at least tried to pull your Dad up on it, or taken her aside at some point and really apologised sincerely for his behaviour, the outcome might have been different. But knowing that as well as him being there likely needling her all day, probably no-one else will do or say a thing about it, makes her feel pretty shit. It would do for me too!

Has your dad always had an obnoxious streak? When my mum had dementia she lived with me and had carers come in daily. All the carers were black and not once did my mum ever make a remotely racist or rude comment to them about skin tone or body shape.

And after your second post I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to be there to be verbally attacked again. Your son’s loyalty is to his girlfriend, he seems very caring of her.

I think people are way too sensitive these days. Your son and his girlfriend need to get a grip! Your father may have an undiagnosed dementia / cognitive impairment. Encourage him to see a GP so he can be referred to memory clinic. Early diagnosis is important to access treatment and support.

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance - haven't got anything to add that hasn't already been said, but as you mentioned his money you can apply for attendance allowance for him.

Well it's understandable if he's wanting his GF to feel welcome and comfortable around you and your family. Do your best to not make it an issue and take sides and please do not make your son feel like he has to make a choice either.

If I was your DS GF, I wouldn’t want to visit your house again either; it sounds like your Dad was relentless with his negative and personal comments towards her, and that it was a deeply unpleasant experience for her. I doubt many people would voluntarily walk into the same again.

I do think your DS should visit your house on occasion, without his GF, to maintain his family links. Unfortunately you can’t choose family, and I’m sure he must love your Dad. I would have a proper heart to heart with your DS to explain your Dad’s condition and that while you understand his GF position, you would love him to come by himself once in a while.

You need to accept and make peace with the fact that they won’t attend the big family events together until your DF is longer around.

Agreed. I’m half French and Jewish and I get this too. It’s actually usually people of South Asian origin, they ask where I’m from and I say Bradford which they won’t accept and ask where I’m really from as in where are your parents from. Usually eventually say well I’m half French if that counts? My mum is racist and used to call my skin tone “grubby” …

Your dad was out of order obviously but he apologised, he’s elderly and I’d be pushing for that diagnosis - it does sound like dementia. If his girlfriend no longer wants to visit fine but your DS should still come sometimes. I guess it depends how his relationship with grandad was before though, if they’ve never been close maybe he’s not bothered.

My dad 86, said to my sons GF once, 'That's not his real dad y'know' pointing to my DH. He just wanted to stir things the old git! He thought it would be funny. I think dad just wanted to endear himself to her with an odd joke!

"your average 90 year old has around the same mental capacity as a 8-9 year old"

Please don't accept this as true, or 'average'. It may be true of people suffering various forms of dementia, but is by no means true of many elderly people. An ex-teacher of mine, who recently turned 100, is as sharp as anything, mentally, as are many of the older people I come across (various voluntary roles etc).

I’m extremely pale and people, young and old pass comments all the time. I’m beyond caring at this stage.

Bloody hell, I wouldn't want to come back to your house either after having to listen to all this.

Wow, your DS's GF got quite a barrage from your dad, didn't she.

When my DS's GF's come over, I go out of my way to be very nice to them and watch what I say because I want them to come to my house, and enjoy the experience. There are a few very rude older people in our family, and I have already decided that I will choose my DS's and their partners over GP's feelings.

There is a reason why I do this. As a young woman I was subject to lots of offhand comments by my FIL and in-laws. I felt outnumbered, belittled and upset. I had to suck it up if I wanted to stay with my BF, now DH. There was one of me, and lots of them. I never want my DIL's to feel this way and I won't risk the relationship I have with my DC for the entitled generation above me.

Not sure what you can do about it, as your DF is sick. All you can do is see them separately and treat your son's GF nicely.

Good for her for having boundaries, and setting up from the start that she won't be disrespected.

What part of calling a racist 85 year old a racist old man is ageist, exactly? The OP herself attributes his lack of filter to aging.

My gran is in her 80s. Has dementia. In the early stages (and especially now), she was still living independently and managing in general. However her filter just disappeared. She would comment on skin colour, gender, what people wore. Age of people with children, how people were looking after or not looking after their children.

Going out with her, we were always on damage control. Most people understood. They were brought up in a different time. And as they get older they definitely revert back to that.

I would have a conversation with your son and explain how it isn’t your dad’s fault. It’s not nice but there isn’t much you can do. What else is it that they want from him?

As the hosts did you, or your husband, pull him up on his rude behaviour at any point? It is not okay to comment on other people’s appearance/ accent etc and it sounds like the girlfriend was met with a barrage of rude comments about her looks/ accent across the day. 24 is still young, of course this would feel very uncomfortable especially coming from a much, much older man.

Just because somebody is elderly and losing their filter doesn’t mean you can’t say to him, ‘Dad, it’s rude to comment on people’s appearances, please don’t say things like that.’ but it sounds like you are completely brushing it off and almost blaming your son, ‘well he knows what his grandad is like.’ The fact that you didn’t pull him up on any of the behaviour or try to intervene makes it look like you’re complicit in those kind of comments and happy to have a young guest in your house feel scrutinised and judged. I wouldn’t want to return either in the girlfriend’s shoes!

I agree with this.