AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

And would you care if they continued their ‘observations’ and said aren’t you fat/skinny you must eat for England/don’t eat at all. Aren’t you tall/short, don’t you speak funny etc.
You might be ok with that but I wouldn’t want to go back either.

Sadly young people are offended by everything now as thats what they are taught to be. He was clearly making an observation not being racist or derogatory about her. He shouldnt have as you dont comment on appearance in any way, but he is of that generation and with brain going he wouldnt have thought he did anything wrong. If it wasnt that im sure she would have been upset by something else. Looks like an easy out frkm a family event and she can now have bf to herself and do what she wants for a day.

Its fair enough really, I wouldn't want to go back either if I were her. Don't brush aside nasty or racist comments so easily op

OP your dad sounds horribly rude and his comments WERE racist. Bloody hell. Sounds like she had an awful time meeting her partner's family. Why on earth didn't you tell your dad to shut up with all his comments at the time? The fact your son had to have a word is pretty telling of the family dynamic, quite frankly. Just because you're used to your dad's behaviour, doesn't mean a younger person will be ok with it. You should have had a quiet word with your dad the first time he made a comment.

Arrange to see your son & his gf away from your dad, apologised profusely, be genuine about it, and take some steps to repairing what sounds like your family making a terrible first impression on your son's girlfriend. This could be your future DIL - don't alienate her any further.

This is why drip feeds are so annoying because most people won’t read your updates and will reply based solely on your first post, so they will all miss the fact that he was making comments at/about her all day and that nobody apart from your son bothered to stick up for her. It’s no surprise she doesn’t want to go back when he’s there

I disagree, it sounds very much like she was offended by rude and racist comments and that alone. Stating "young people find anythinf offensive" is just lazy. It's not difficult to be welcoming and polite and have good manners, is it? Minimising poor behaviour and blaming it on age is only going to make the situation worse.

Spot the people who have never had much contact with the elderly.

Whilst your son's gf can understandably stay away I would hope that your son will calm down a bit and not abandon his grandfather. Maybe his girlfriend will come back too when he has better a lie of the land and she can feel less under attack. There are lots of good suggestions above about how to talk to your son just don't be defensive or put any judgement on what your father said. Don't allow too much time to pass so that views are entrenched. And continue to be kind and welcoming to his girlfriend as you so obviously are.

And even I at 50 have said some casually micro-aggressive things over the years just from foot in mouth and being docislly unobservant than any desire to put anyone down. It happens. I think it will be a very brave person who claims they have never, ever done that. We all just need to try our best, pick ourselves up and give understanding and leeway where possible.

The more you have written, the more uncomfortable I feel for your DS's GF.

You need to have a chat with your dad and say he can't say things like that any more as he is coming across as racist and rude

But also your DS and his GF need to realise that this is an 85 year old man who grew up in a more racist time and may live in a less diverse area. His comments were not meant as racist

If your dad could humbly apologise I think that would go a long way

I have married someone who isn't from the same ethnicity as me. I think nothing of it most of the time, we live in a more diverse area. Back in our dating days, we got a few comments like this, we decided that these types of people weren't racist or nasty but just of a different generation. We made it clear that their comments were no longer acceptable though

I do think she's right not to come back, he isn't her grandad and that lot would really annoy me said by someone I didn't know at all. And that's without the skin colour comment triggering memories of being bullied at school.

Everyone seems to acknowledge your dad’s comment was out of place but it does not seem fair that you should suffer as a result.
i feel they are over reacting. One misplaced comment that was unintended to be hurtful shouldn’t mean they cut that family member off for life.
They have every right to be annoyed and upset. But to refuse to come to the house while he’s there feels harsh for your sake.
its always useful to look at the intention and while not a great comment it does not sound like your dad intended to be hurtful or offensive.

and I remember research showing that your average 90 year old has around the same mental capacity as a 8-9 year old

Love to know where you got this ineffable shite from, @lxn889121.

Even a Google search of your sentence yields nothing.

And @winter8090 Did you read the updates? It was relentless, about her appearance, how she spoke, her ethnicity, on and on, op's son told the dad to stop which he did for a bit then continued.

Tread very carefully op if you want to maintain a relationship with your ds into the future. This gf may end up being his long term partner and the mother of your future gc.

It comes through your posts that you think she’s being too sensitive. You put the word triggered in inverted commas, you implied she should get over her childhood bullying, and her reaction was immature for a 24 year old. You acknowledge she’s hurt but it’s clear you think she’s unreasonable, sensitive and immature to feel as she does. Or at least that’s what’s coming across.

It sounds like she had a thoroughly shitty day. If she was your dd, and had been subjected to that, what would you advise her to do?

You say you enjoy hosting, and a big part of hosting is making people feel welcome and comfortable in your home. Think about the ways you could make her feel at ease, even just as a thought experiment, to help you understand her pov. Not how she could toughen up, be more understanding, be more mature, be less sensitive. What could you do?

I think there’s a difference though between one or two comments and a barrage of very unpleasant things as per OP’s update. Also the only person who pulled him up on it was OP’s son - OP And her husband knew what her dad was saying was unkind but carried on letting him sit there saying unkind things!

my Nan had dementia and could say some very unkind things (dementia massively can lower your inhibitions) and every single time I’d tell her it wasn’t nice to say things like that.

OP let this young woman come into her house and basically be called names - that isn’t acceptable.

I would give them some time and space and hopefully they will change their mind about visiting. In the meantime, meet them out of the house and build a relationship with the girlfriend.

That must have been a really uncomfortable visit for her. Imagine someone commenting constantly on your appearance and criticising how you speak in front of a room of people you don't know well and probably really want to impress whilst trying to navigate it in a second language. Just made a stressful day a million times worse.

I think you just need to spell out carefully to your son that you don't excuse the granddad's behaviour but explain the issues of dementia. With time they might flip from the currently raw feelings from the visit to a more sympathetic view. I think if they do visit you all need to be pulling him up nicely every time he does it though to show her you support her.

Read OP’s update…it wasn’t just one comment

Quite a big drip feed there op, having read your update.

Surely you must understand no one, regardless of who they are, needs to attend a family gathering of their new boyfriend and put up will all of that?

I think the only thing you can do is ensure your DS understands the full extent of your dad’s illness and apologise profusely again to him and and his gf and advise you know it’s not acceptable for her to be treated like that. The other thing to do is make effort to meet them outside the home when your dad isn’t there.

I would also consider your dad has a bigger impact because the relationship is new.

Is your son Prince Harry? Seriously, the comments were wrong but isn’t your dad ill? I’ve always been overweight and old people can be brutal with their “aren’t you fat” comments. I remember an elderly aunt doing it after she had a stroke - it was hurtful but I realised she wasn’t quite herself. It’s a shame that your son and girlfriend can’t accept he is old and doddery and said something stupid. I’m not sure it’s a good reason to cut off your family for ever! Families are usually the rudest to each other in my experience. People are not perfect.

Does your dad have form for “off hand “ comments and “telling it how it is”? Basically is his behaviour something completely new , or have your children (since your DD is on DS’s side) been exposed to these type of comment all their life? Does your DS have a good, close , warm relationship with him?

Did you or your DH , at any time, as the hosts and his carers intervene? Tell him to leave her alone, explain the health situation etc.

I am with your DS on this one, upsetting as it is. Be willing to meet him and his girlfriend away from your home. You should be glad your DS did not just accept it at the time but challenged it.

As for the observation about the childhood of the DSs girlfriend, sadly given how much support there is in both France and Italy for racist political parties, I am not surprised but saddened to read what she experienced.

Just because you come from an unhealthy /dysfunctional dynamic , it doesn’t mean that everyone should put up with it or that they’re weaklings for not doing so.

It wasn't a nasty comment and tbh ideally wouldn't care especially if made by an elderly man.

End of the day he picked her apart - you should of stepped in “dad that’s inappropriate of you to say.” Also yes he was racist. Don’t blame her in the slightest.

I think this is a multi generational problem.

Your dad is of a generation that says things that are rude but think it's ok to say them and just be direct & don't understand people find it offensive and upsetting. My mum is like this, to a lesser extent than your father because she doesn't have dementia. But she will greet me with comments like "You've put on weight" or "I don't like your hair like that, it doesn't suit you".

You are probably around my generation. We grew up with parents like this and we also relentlessly teased each other as kids in ways our own kids would think is outrageous so you have a higher tolerance and "thicker skin" than your son and his gf.

Your son and his gf are of a generation that think people commenting on looks etc is not to be tolerated and take great offensive if this happens.

I think on one level you get it that your son & his gf are offended but because, like me, your tolerance to this kind of thing is higher, you also think they are making a fuss and should just get over it.

I think you need to meet your son and his gf away from the family home and have a chat about what went on.
But you need to listen to their side and understand that they see it differently to you.

So everyone bar your son just sat there while your dad made comment after comment about this woman he had only just met?

Basically the oh ignore grandad he doesn’t understand. Like when everyone knows uncle Joe is a creep but we just ignore him he means no harm…

Your son is putting distance in to prove to his girlfriend that he isn’t like you all. That he isn’t rude and gets that grandad was being a twat while everyone else endorsed it by just letting him ramble on.

You needed to pull your dad up in front of his girlfriend to show you don’t agree with him or find it acceptable.