AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

Thank you for the updates Op. The details must have been hard for you to hear..

As has been suggested, disinhibition and resulting inappropriate behaviours are not unusual with dementia but obviously your son’s girlfriend should not have to put up with them.

Good for you for talking to your son more fully. Hope you can build on your relationship with his girlfriend in time.

The OP said he had dementia @Triniette- please correct me if I am wrong on this.

You are denying that he has dementia based on no knowledge of the patient or medical expertise. This raises the question of why are you denying he has dementia - it's either a) a miraculous ability to diagnose mental health conditions via social media or b) denying mental health conditions such as dementia exist.

He has memory problems but no diagnosis, he claims he is fine, refuses to go to the doctor and when I asked him if what I was told by my DS was true seemed to stand by it as innocent and them overreacting.
His short term memory isn’t great, so we are in discussions now about how we proceed as I do think the GP is the next step but he is so reluctant.

At no point did she say that. She mentioned some struggles , but no official diagnosis.

It just gets worse with each OP update. Touching her? I think she was incredibly restrained, just staying in your house.

People really need to click on ‘read all’ so they have the full bucket of drip feeds before judging the son and his girlfriend. With each OP post, the poor girlfriend’s full ordeal is revealed.

‘Check your privileges’ - Ah, we’ve now progressed to parody.

It really isn’t a complicated as you’re presenting it as. He acted inappropriately towards her, verbally and physically. Even if this behavior is not within his control, it is not something she, or anyone, has to accept. ‘He’s disabled’ is not shorthand for ‘he can behave as he likes and everyone around him has to just fucking take it’.

It can’t have been easy to come back and give us that update, OP. Thank you. I’m glad that you get it and I hope that some of the more prolific posters on the thread follow your example.

So not only was he racist towards her, he sexually assaulted her.

I think your son's and girlfriend's stance is a very appropriate response to his racism and sexual assault. He's not a safe person for a woman to be around and they recognize that. Whether he's competent or not, she doesn't have to put up with abuse.

He needs a cognitive assessment ASAP. I hope you have a POA already in place.

Also though op good with the chat with your son.

Hopefully you him and his gf can now work though this with clear understanding of why she won’t be there and why he doesn’t want to be around grandad.

Especially is grandad is playing down what he did and said.

If he is reluctant to speak to someone about his memory problems, which a lot of people are in the same situation, then I really would recommend emailing his GP as I mentioned in my previous post. The problem isn’t going to go away and actually there are some medications that may be able to slow down the decline of his cognition in some cases.

Sorry to read your updates @Triniette It sounds as if your father's condition and behaviour are more worrying than you'd thought. You can email or talk to your father's GP, even if they can't say much to you the surgery could call your father in for a general health review and check on his cognitive functioning.

I'm glad that at least you and your DS (and hopefully GF) are coming to an understanding. Hope you can all support each other.

I agree that there is a world of difference between being verbally insulted and physically sexually assaulted. In any case the girlfriend is well within her rights to refuse to see the grandfather for whatever reason she chooses. It's her choice.

But in the case of being physically sexually assaulted then there is the additional argument of ensuring she is physical protected.

No one would argue it is ableist to refuse to visit a knife wielding schizophrenic relative with a criminal record for violence. It is simply self preservation.

If he is reluctant to visit his GP, is it possible for you to visit the GP and explain your concerns about his condition.

Whilst there is no cure for dementia, as a PP mentioned there is medication that can slow down the rate of deterioration.

The saddest thing here is that you are stuck in the middle of this sad situation without having done anything wrong. I wish all the best and respect for staying strong in this awful situation.

Thanks for the update and hats off to you for persevering with this for your son and his girlfriend and indeed, your father. Difficult times but it sounds as if you’ll get through it.

They aren't discriminating, and they are making allowances. His behaviour, for whatever reason, is harmful. They asked for an apology, got an insincere one, and decided to walk away and not put themselves in his presence again. They haven't cut off the OP, she can see them without him.

It’s not a “well-established concept”.

It’s nonsense posted by the well-known racist, misogynist trash that is Matt Walsh.

And the GF and son aren’t being victims. They are choosing not to spend time in uncomfortable environments.

And they are not required to. Nobody is entitled to access others.

The mother and son can easily still see each other. If they choose not to that’s on them.

Such a horrible situation. I feel for all of you; her, you and him! Dementia is awful, and dealing with a person with dementia is almost more awful!

I’m glad you’ve been able to discuss it with them and are working out a plan to address your new life situation. Good luck! xx

If he does have dementia pulling him up his behaviour might not make the slightest bit of difference.

It would be good to know if OP used to do this and has given up because it didn't help.

If possible - and I know it's difficult if her father refuses - OP should ask for a referral to the local memory team for assessment.

Thank you for your updates @Triniette - I'm glad (sorry, that's completely the wrong word, but I can't think of another one) that your DS has provided more context so you can understand and better appreciate their decision. But I am sorry too - it's not nice to hear that your father has done and said those things, and I imagine that it must have made for some unpleasant and sickening lurches in your core to learn the full picture.

I'm sorry for what you are facing and the new windows it might have opened on what you may be having to deal with in the future. If you want to, seek out the Cockroach Cafe on MN, or Dementia Support Forum - it doesn't necessarily need to be anything about dementia OR alzheimers; both are places of kindness, understanding, advice and empathy for anyone navigating life with an older loved one whose behaviour can be challenging.

I'm glad you were able to have that chat with your DS. Every good wish to you for the future. x

Thanks for your update OP.
Such a hard situation for you.
The dementia support forum and the relevant sections (elderly parents in general bits too) of mumsnet were a source of practical advice and comfort to me when dad had dementia. Anything new thing that arose, from hugging my female friend a bit too long , too tight, and a bit too close to the boobs on the morning of my wedding (luckily she is a very close old friend, a doctor, and knew dad's diagnosis) to auditory hallucinations to not having the mental wherewithal, muscle memory and co ordination to sit down at a chair and pull it up to the dinner table (tip- you sit the parent down first then DH and you lift the table onto him if it's light enough) to having to sneak vegetables into him (no kidding, it really is like having a young child)...loads of other people have dealt with before.
Assuming it is dementia, I have sympathy with all involved but especially you.

He sounds like your garden variety old school creep to me. I hate how older men think it’s fine to say whatever they want and expect to have no repercussions just because it was “fine to say when they were young”. It wasn’t fine then and it isn’t fine now.

Why did he feel it was appropriate to make any comments whatsoever about her physical appearance? Good on your son for calling him out on his misogyny and unwanted remarks. More men need to start doing this. As much as we women say we hate it—and have said so for decades—they only seem to listen to each other.

You are really minimising this “touching her in a way she did not like” implies that it’s her fault she was touched and didn’t like it. In your view, should she have liked this touching?!?

What you should actually be saying is that “she was touched inappropriately”.

It’s completely unsurprising that your DS is taking this stance and standing by his GF, as your approach and attitude to this behaviour is all too obvious from your posts.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/living-with-dementia/challenging-sexual-behaviour-dementia

I hope you make the inappropriate touching abundantly clear at the assessment.

Christ, the poor lass! I'm glad you better understand why they will not be coming to your house anymore, OP.

Your father's behaviour was beyond the pale. Dementia is a reason, not an excuse. Whatever the state of his dementia or not, no one has to be around people making creepy, inappropriate or racist comments, and they certainly don't need to tolerate someone touching them inappropriately.