AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

So because her elderly aunt was ill it mean her family was dysfunctional.?

It was . Badgering someone about their heritage because they don’t look how you think they should IS nasty. But it’s wasn’t just that one comment was it? It was her height, her weight and her accent too.

Families are usually rudest to each other in my experience

That’s what makes it dysfunctional.

How is criticism of pronunciation racist? You are scraping the barrel here.

I can totally understand your DS' GF point of view. She absolutely does not have to go back to a place that has made her feel uncomfortable. It would be a bit more off if she was a long established GF, but the dynamics of visiting your partner's family when you barely know them, and then have that happen (also given her explanation of the history of how that is triggering) I can completely understand - I wouldn't return either. Dementia does not negate hurt feelings. She has no relationship or duty to your father, so there is no reason to put herself in danger of being the butt of more tactless comments.

If anyone is being unreasonable, it's your DS. Why can't he just visit without his GF? He doesn't even have to visit often. But cutting off grandad entirely over a mildly offensive/tactless comment is very drastic.

Your father's comment was racist, he didn't take his apology seriously and it sounds as though you don't either.

I'm with your son and the girlfriend myself. It isn't acceptable at all. Fortunately the younger generation take this sort of thing more seriously than some older generations, and it's really good of your son to stand by his girlfriend.

You might be sad you're not going to see them but quite frankly, they're right....the situation with your father isn't going to change any time soon; they didn't feel welcome so they won't be putting themselves through it.
You'd be better showing some understanding and taking time to build bridges in other ways.

Is she Meghan Markle? She sounds incredibly high maintenance to me.

I disagree with most of the people on this thread, your dad sounds a bit of a PITA but sometimes we just put up with people who are PITAs because we have to juggle how much crap comes from one person versus the love and support that come from other people.

If everyone around that table was like your dad and he hadn't apologized and it wasn't acknowledged that he's out of order then I think your son and his girlfriend would be in the right. But I think the fact that they are incapable of forgiveness or tolerance or being able to put up with him being a nuisance because the relationship with you and the rest of the family is more important, is very poor.

I'm sympathetic to the fact that he is a bit triggering for her but as an adult it's her responsibility to find ways of dealing with her own triggers that are being unintentionally triggered, in a less dramatic manner. Whatever happened to just ignoring people? He is going to have a very little impact on her life and yet she thinks she has the right to disrupt the whole family because of her triggers. I find that a bit narcissistic and self-absorbed TBH.

I think your son is taking this situation out on the wrong people

your father has said something wrong - it was wrong and shouldn't have been said.

Your father apologised but not sincerely

so now your son is making you suffer for something his grandfather did

I would text back and ask

I understand the apology wasn't sincere, I don't have any control over how your grandfather has behaved. Nobody can turn back the clock, not me your sister or your father. How would you and your girlfriend like this situation to be put right?

Did you explain to your DS privately that you think his DGD has dementia and that’s what has caused the outbursts and it’s not him, it’s the disease. I would email and ask him to show to his DGF, apologise for DGDs behaviour but explain it’s caused by factors outside his control and he wouldn’t have meant to be disrespectful of his grandsons GF. Say that he has to live with you, he has nowhere else to go and can’t look after himself, but you don’t want to miss out on seeing your DS or his GF.

Sorry for your OP. You’re doing such a noble thing by having your DF living with you. I couldn’t do it. I hope you sort it out even if it means meeting DS and his GF separately for now.

I presume you are white and haven’t experienced racism (and incidentally many of your posters saying they are OTT). Their response is very valid, you need to build this relationship outside the home, go to theirs, meet up in places, maybe buy them National Trust membership and go places tiogether. The relationship may be strong enough to try again before he passes, maybe not, but whatever you do don’t question her feelings on this.

I can see both sides here. I've also been told that I've got the wrong skin colour for the ethnicity I claim to be. I'll tolerate the odd comment and explain but I wouldn't like it if the other person refused to drop the subject.

I've also had elderly relatives with some difficult behaviour. It's very different when it's someone you have known all your life and love dearly. You have to accept that a stranger without shared history is just going to see the obnoxious behaviour. It's not always enough to get someone to understand another person's limitations, sometimes you just don't want to take their shit.

He wasn’t being racist, he was making an unfiltered observation that he wouldn’t say out loud before his illness. Is it worth going to the GP for an official diagnosis so you can tell your son that he isn’t well and to be accommodating. Perhaps send a link to a website explaining how it affects what elderly people say. My husband’s grandma had dementia and started to say some strange things, everyone just brushed it off and continued chatting. If he still refuses to come then I’d message, “You are both always welcome here. I understand granddad’s dementia is difficult for you both. He isn’t well and there is nowhere else for him to go. I love you. “

Surely it's only white people calling these comments racist?!

It's so far from racism, it's still rude to discuss appearance. She's basically white European. No difference than hair colour. As someone who's actually mixed and has had a lifetime of "but where are you really from" I'd say she's a complete snowflake.

And tbh I'd be pretty disappointed in your son and her for their lack of understanding of someone elderly. Brains degrade a lot, he's 85 and clearly has no filter.

Snowflake generation, innit?

@Triniette those other comments were relevant to this picture. It was not just one comment, your sons’s girlfriend was on the receiving end of deeply unpleasant behaviour in your home. That is going to put anyone off going to visit someone’s house.

Bloody hell, why didn't you tell your dad to give it a rest after the first few comments?

maybe the constant barrage of comments directed at her also has some bearing on her reluctance to come back.

i’m extremely shy and just the thought of everyone’s attention being directed at me because of his inappropriate questions would send me running out the door.

meeting your partner’s family for the first time is stressful enough without the added stress of being put on the spot.

i think you should meet them for lunch and try and build a relationship with her, she could end up being in your life for many years to come and i think you shouldn’t let her believe that your father’s behaviour defines the whole family.

Agreed

I wouldn't go back either sorry OP. This is one of the horrific realities of living with dementia patients.

OP did you apologise profusely to the girlfriend at the time? Did either you or your DH you try to stop your DF commenting or draw your DS and his girlfriend away into another room? It sounds like the poor girl was relentlessly targeted with negative comments and everyone acted like it was fine except your DS? Of course old people can lose their filter but it doesn't sound like the rest of you tried to make her feel safe and welcome.
I think you're missing a big point here too. She might be "relatively new" but your son must be really in love to have brought her to the family home. And instead of welcoming her this is what happened. He's now trying to show her how much he loves by taking a stand. Maybe it is unfair to you but it makes sense. If you want to repair the relationship with him put some effort into making her feel welcomed to the family without your DF ruining things. Once she feels more secure in her interactions with the rest of the family, they might change their minds.
By the way, your DS sounds lovely. You can be proud of what a supportive boyfriend he is.

But why can she not exercise her right as an adult to not go back to a space that has made her uncomfortable? What does she owe to her BF's grandad to return? She's not being a snowflake at all. This whole "be kind" rhetoric is BS. She doesn't want to return, so she doesn't have to. Good on her.

The OPs DS is a slightly different story though.

So if I told you you’re short , fat, too pasty and your accent is all wrong you wouldn’t mind at all?

Absolutely he’s a spoilt sod, he should support his gf and not go with her nor to all events but still visit his mum and dad on his own.

I think with dementia similar to children often what a person sees they say. It seems ds gf was at the centre of a lot of your dads observations and it sounds like it was to much. Maybe a lack of understanding of the older generation? This relationship isn’t boding well if this is the start and already ds is stepping back from family. However he could have prewarned his gf about your dads observations and questioning it does sound like they need to educate themselves. I think I would stand up to him more on this one. If it was the case that dad is racist and picking on her for that reason it would be completely different as the older generation often are. Ds could still visit even if his gf doesn’t want to,

I don't think your father's remarks were especially ill-intentioned but dealing with all these rude personal remarks directed at her and including remarks about her skin colour and accent doesn't make for a remotely enjoyable afternoon. The skin colour remark was less of a one-off and more of a last straw.

Make it clear to DS and potential-DSIL that she is welcome at family events and if she does agree to come along to any then make sure it's always someone's job - several people's job! - to divert granddad and keep him occupied and keep him off her back. Tell him ahead of time that he is not to make personal remarks, and warn the rest of the family to head him off.