To be absolutely depressed by parenting

[checktheoil]

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

It's crap and boring. You are doing your best.Soon they will be able to toddle downstairs and watch something for an hour.

OP I've 2 teens now, and bloody hell are they challenging, but I say to people time and again I'd take teens all day long rather than ever go back to the baby and toddler years.
It's the sheer endless boring relentless difficultness that is just bloody hard. And yes "this too shall pass"... But not soon enough!
I have a brilliantly supportive dh. He did at least 50%. I went back to work quite soon so had time away from them. I still found parenting the little ones exhausting, and unrewarding. I spent day after day just going through the boring motions. And looking back at it I'm sure I was never depressed. I just didn't enjoy it. I was sleep deprived and spent the majority of my waking hours negotiating over something utterly stupid or breaking up fights. Or at work.
As they get older, you will gradually get more time where they are less needy. And you will also likely start getting more sleep too.
The thing that was an absolute life saver for me was getting up and out of the house early, (hello swings in the park at 7:30am). And finding and hanging out with friends with kids a similar age. Do you go to groups, playgroups, music groups etc? The ones where you take them and sing along (which I hated but it meant at least they were stimulated and learning and not asking me what noise does a giraffe make). Eat lunch out somewhere (just packed lunch from home on a park bench or cheap community centre type place) then home for some well warmth CBeebies time. CBeebies time was when I could sit down have a cuppa and stare into space.
Sorry this is long. I wanted you to know you're not alone. My youngest tells me often that she hates me and she wishes I was dead. I'd still rather that than daily calm negotiating through gritted teeth for her to please put on her socks and if she does she'll get to choose a special sticker for her chart. Fuck that for a laugh.

It's not a misery game ime. It's a "this shit is hard and sometimes it's really hard, I'd like you to know that". I genuinely feel better when I've shared something, even if the person can do nothing about it. Not everyone feels like that, it's OK if you don't want to share and find it easier to offload online. Don't be purturbed when people share ideas that worked for them, it really did work for me to talk about it. My H realised how hard it was the more I talked about it too. It wasn't misery games at all, it was him understanding the role I was playing in our marriage.

I'm also now questioning some of my parenting choices because I have a very sassy 10yo who (at times) is an embarrassment with his behaviour in public. It gets easier and harder in different ways. Solidarity through the shite, look for small wins every day.

Ok so here that would just mean within seconds hearing screams, hitting noises, very likely spilt food everywhere (DD can’t even reach the food cupboards), the dog running around, and general carnage. I can’t even imagine this happening for mine who are a similar age.

I don’t baby them, I’m fairly strict, but the fighting and messing about is just so awful and relentless they would never be able to do this without hell breaking loose.

See mine is the kind that absolutely does 50/50, gets up with them at least half of morning etc. but I still feel the same as you.

Today has been pretty awful. They just want the TV on, any attempts I make to get them to play - just more fighting, screaming and hitting. And me losing my shit. The sound of DD screaming out DS name in an awful high pitched shriek is actually destroying my nervous system. I’m in fight or flight 24/7 and nothing works.

DS woke up at 2am and just randomly started yelling.

There is no place in my life where I can just be for 5 minutes with guaranteed peace. Not one. They dominate every waking hour and all night and I’m constantly on edge.

Even typing this DD has just let out a blood curdling scream from the next room and is now yelling HELP HELP over and over

Very little about this is fun or happy.

I get you OP. My two are both under four. Recently I seriously considered divorcing my husband, whom I love dearly, purely because it would mean I would have every other weekend entirely alone. Everyone says nothing is harder than the teenage years but honestly I think if I could only sleep through a few nights then I'd be able to tackle anything.

4 and 7 years old is widely different to 2 and 5 years old. You get that, right?

It’s been worse for me, frankly. The fighting, the screaming, it’s just awful.

Yes but that was in reply to someone claiming their kids watch TV quietly while they sleep in. I don't know anyone who would leave a 2 year old entirely unsupervised while they had a peaceful lie in, do you?

Hello OP - I want to say your post has really resonated with me, especially the DP parts. I have been very miserable as a mother, with two girls and a 3 year age gap. From 1 and 4 to 3 and 6 was absolutely grim. They are 6 and 9 now.

I tried to explain to my DP but, honestly, I feel it was inconvenient to him and his time consuming hobby and he doesn't really "do" guilt. DP also earns probably x10 what I do (both professionals!), though I am PT as we just couldn't manage homework and dinner from 6pm onwards when I was working a longer day.

My DP isn't a monster, he is good fun, generous, makes our dinner every night. No-one is perfect, but he left me flailing when I needed more from him. Even now, I find parenting a boring, lonely and often incredibly stressful experience.

That said, I don't regret having two because despite the fighting (and there is a fuck ton of it) they do play together and occupy each other (and give me long periods of peace now). I love them but I think I am probably situationally depressed by parenting. No point in teaming up with mums who are my friends and their kids, because frankly it isn't much fun and I think I am pestered more?!

The squawking of my 6 year old and her whining are also destroying my nervous system. This week I am practicing saying USE YOUR STRONG VOICE every time...and it seems to be working a little!

Phew sorry it's a lot. Good luck to you xx

And again, here is your DH issue, you’ve said you could tell him how you feel but no good would come of it. That isn’t what a good partner should do.

You keep deflecting and trying to steer the conversation away from your “darling” husband but that is a huge issue in your situation.

A partner should be someone you can lean on, someone who shares the load, someone who wants to know when you’re struggling, someone who wants to work together to solve the issues at hand.

I have to say I’m totally confused about how your DH could be unaware of how hard work your kids are… mine is totally aware of what little monsters ours can be (because he’s there experiencing it) and we roll our eyes and commiserate about it after they’re in bed.

The OP has very clearly and politely asked that we don't go on about her husband or berate her for his failings. As she's having a hard time and can't snap her fingers and make him a wonderful supportive partner, maybe we can honour that request?

Interesting that I’m seeing a condom ad pop up as I scroll down and read this thread.

You’re not at all confused. Is your DH working full time and you 2.5 days?

I don’t think he is unaware at all, but him being aware of it doesn’t really change it, does it?

I am a bit gutted as DD fell asleep on the way back from a play date. Only ten minutes but that’ll be enough to mess up bedtime <sigh>

Sigh.

OP has clearly said she works less than half what her DH does.

Therefore, justifiably, the lion’s share of childcare falls to her. We would expect that of him if the roles were reversed.

But this means OP becomes the default parent because it is inevitable that the parent doing 80% of the childcare will be the one who remembers and carries out all of the finer details of that childcare - play dates, doctor’s appointments, birthday parties, being the person in charge of the ‘the schedule’, knowing their current shoe size, knowing what forms need signing for school and nursery…

Of course, you could do a handover and delegate parts of it, but like OP as a part time worker I find it is simply too complex and fluid as they move from stage to stage to hand over bits of it. For example, at DD school, 1 parent had access to their app. The app does EVERYTHING - meals, trips, clubs, reports, booking parents evening, homework.

If I am working part time and doing the vast majority of school runs then it HAS to be me who does this, because all that would happen if DH did it would be ‘remember, you need to take this to school today when you drop her off’ ‘remember to ask the teacher this at pick up’ ‘remember it’s mufti day tomorrow’. See how it wouldn’t make any sense?

But then inevitably school and everything in its orbit falls to me. I do the pick ups so I’m the one who has struck up school gate friendships and play dates.

As much as you all fall of yourselves to say your DH ‘does exactly half’ I wonder if that ‘half’ really just means he spends at much physical time with them as you do. I don’t really believe they organised the last birthday party, announced they were taking DC on an independently organised play date yesterday, or reminded you it’s dentist time and assured you he’s booked an appointment and has written it in the calendar.

Thanks @FernFaery where do you live I feel we would get on

@DaisyChain505 the reason I don’t want to go into DH is because it will out another username. But that aside I must admit I’m a bit lost as to what DH has done or not done as I haven’t even mentioned him!

I can relate to this. I’ve had to step outside now because DD won’t stop screaming for milk but won’t touch her dinner.

I rhink this absolutely speaks to the Orchid vs Dandelion narrative. Dsis and I were by all accounts very pliable and sensible girls who my parents left to play and get ourselves breakfast when we woke between 5& 6 aged 2 & 4. I know my mother told everyone who would listen (and still does) what a fantastic parent she was. The reality is we were high in agreeableness and conscientiousness in other words easy to parent.

Not sure about orchids and dandelions but I would say I don’t know many two to three year olds who would get up themselves and entertain themselves totally unsupervised by an adult for the best part of an hour.

Mine are honestly quite nice children alone and ds probably would do that now (five and a half) but certainly I wouldn’t really be expecting any child under four to do that.

I think the heat has got to me a bit. I am actually considering having dd leave nursery at the end of August rather than July to give me a break and some one to one with ds.

Yes absolutely! It was to give OP hope that this will probably change pretty quickly for her ☺️

That's why I say maybe we're lucky! I don't attribute it in any way to my good parenting 😂
But it was mainly directed at people who have kids that are capable of doing this (NOT at OPs kids ages, they're too young), but feel that they have to get up with their kids. I also think many parents of our generation coddle and helicopter parent a little. Many kids when given the chance are more sensible than we credit them with.

DDs sleep is generally a bit unsettled at the moment. She always used to be a lie in until 7 sort of child but that’s changed and she’s waking 530-6 (I know, could be worse) and then struggling to get through to bed time. Today she fell asleep at half four [shocked] only for a few minutes, but it’s enough to give her a second wind, then late bedtime. Then you’d think she’d sleep in but she doesn’t.

It’s also affecting her behaviour; lots of tantrums and crying and being generally difficult. I know shesnotgivingmeahardtimesheshavingahardtime and it’s true - but she’s really giving me a hard time as well! I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells a bit with her at the moment.

meanwhile poor ds had a play date this afternoon with a friend who was really unkind to him and lots of tears and upset. Ds isn’t very good at managing situations like that, he can’t seem to take a step away and leave the person to it for a bit.

Kindly OP, and I get it , you seem obsessed with sleep. The more anxiety and cortisol this is creating, the worse it will get. Can you coem up with some sort of rota?