My son did not come home from school MASH Referral help

[NervouslyWaiting1]

My son did not come home from school on Thursday. We had a small argument that morning because I told him to have a shower and he refused. He usually prefers to shower at night, but he ended up having the shower in the morning before leaving for school.
When he didn’t come home after school, I thought maybe he was with his friends. At 10pm that night, I called the police and reported him missing. The police went out looking for him and also went to his dad’s house to check if he was there, but he wasn’t.

The next morning, I decided to go to the school to speak with teachers and his friends to find out who he had been with the previous day. I met one of his friends outside the school, who told me my son was in school that day. I told the friend that he had not come home.
I then had a meeting with the Head of Year, and my son explained didn’t come home because he had received a detention and was scared I would take his phone away. He had spent the night walking around and sitting in a park. I was shocked and spent the whole night crying.

Because of his behaviour at school, I have rules in place. If he gets a detention or comes home late, I take his phone away, and he is also not allowed to go out with friends because of things I found on his Snapchat. I believe some of his friends are a bad influence on him. He has previously told me that he feels trapped and wants more freedom to go out with his friends.

The school has now made a referral to MASH. I understand they are doing their job and treating this as a safeguarding matter.
At the moment, we are also involved in court proceedings regarding relocation back to my home country in Europe. Everything had been going very well. We had a hearing in April with a very understanding judge. He said he understood my reasons for wanting to relocate, that he had visited my country many times, understood what life is like there for children, and that his wife is from a similar country. He also said he did not need any more evidence from me. After hearing that, I was 99.9% sure the relocation would be granted.

The judge ordered CAFCASS to prepare a safeguarding letter as part of the usual procedure. I spoke to them a few days ago and the conversation went well. CAFCASS mentioned they may recommend a Section 7 report, which is a more in-depth report involving speaking to the children, although this was not something the judge originally ordered, so she said it may not happen.

Now, I’m worried this incident with my son may trigger a Section 7 report and prolong the case. I spoke to my solicitor, who said my case had previously been straightforward and easy to predict, but that it has now become a little more complicated.

We had a long chat about everything, and he opened up to me saying he just wants things to go back to how it was before where I allowed him to go out with his friends. After speaking to him, my family and a police officer who visited us after he was found. I’ve decide to let him go out with his friends and set some rules, which he promised he would follow. I work closely with the school and have agreed with the school that I will pick him up everyday.

He’s currently out with friends as we speak. Just wondering what will happen next with MASH? And if they will treat it as one off or safeguarding concern? Anyone who’s been through this?

OP, I think you are too harsh and strict with him. You insist he has a shower in the morning when he prefers them at night, and then he's so upset by your reaction over him getting a detention that he spends the night in a park - a 13 year old??!

The detention is enough punishment OP. You don't need to pile in on him too. It's draconian.

At 13, children need support from their parent, not workhouse rules. You are asking for him to rebel against you with your behaviour, and you have put him at risk.

Try being kind OP.

'Now, I’m worried this incident with my son may trigger a Section 7 report and prolong the case. I spoke to my solicitor, who said my case had previously been straightforward and easy to predict, but that it has now become a little more complicated.'

This was not as straightforward from the start OP and from what you say it was not an isolated incident re your son's behaviour.

It sounds like you both need support.

Surely the morning shower was because he hasn’t had one the night before? It wasn’t a gratuitous demand. It was because he needed a wash and - despite his preferences - hadn’t organised himself well enough to have one. Because he’s a 13yo boy. They’re not known for excellent organisational skills or acting in their own best interests.

That and the phone removal read like a mum trying to act in her child’s best interests while walking the difficult line between being open and supportive and having a far better understanding of context and consequences than he does.

It’s also possible his staying out all night was an expression of immature stubborn silliness rather than being upset or scared.

I haven’t read the rest of the thread but oh gosh. Your 13 year old son absolutely deserves his voice to be a priority in where he lives. This is so important. I wonder if this is the crux of the issue, OP. A court’s decision is not more important than the wishes and voice of your child. Sorry.

I didn’t suggest a 13 year old knew best. That’s why why the court system exists - so judges can decide.

Blimey, @NervouslyWaiting1 I have no idea why people are being so nasty to you. There have also been some horrible, racist comments made. I hope it all works out for you smoothly.

Mash won't do anything. It will not get near threshold for their own going involvement

MASH is a very helpful resource because children and parents can get tailored support to fit what they need rather than just one agency focusing on one aspect. Hopefully you and they will fnd out from your son what is behind his behaviour and help you both. That cliche of "it takes a village to raise a child" in a professional context.

Apart from your brother being in England and willing to help you. It sounds as if your son is in a bad way, hope things improve soon.

Why on EARTH does a 13yr old little boy have access to Snapchat????

A 13yr old should not be going anywhere alone! It’s not the 80s/90s anymore!

I think there is a big difference between 6pm and 10pm.
I really hope you can work things out with your son, sounds as if he's got a lot going on.

Yes, SS absolutely can and will, if they deem it necessary! They can also take him into care if needs be (I’m not saying that sounds likely I’m just saying that they have the power to do so).

That sounds like a lot of social service involvement for a minor incident, the school must know something you don’t. Is there a partner/ step parent involved?

Cross post

If a 13 year old boy is more scared of going home than of spending the night wandering the streets by himself, I would think home is a pretty fucking scary place.

Have you considered that your son could be neurodiverse ? Many young people with ADHD take on the role of " class clown". You haven't mentioned concerns specially with attention/concentration and impulsivity that are characteristic of ADHD but you have mentioned concerns relating to his behviour, his organisational skills and suggested there maybe issues regarding his understanding of consequences.

WTF? Helicopter parent much?

13 year olds, assuming no significant additional needs, should absolutely be able to go on their own to school, to the shops, to meet friends etc.

Sounds as though we are being only told half the story..

Not what has been really going on.

The OP gave all that information in the thread. Have you not bothered reading anything other than the OP?

Do you have kids out of curiosity? You realise that most 13 year olds will have a journey by themselves to secondary school?

Funny you say that, I’ve thought about the same too! He doesn’t make eye contact with people when they speak to him and many other things. It could explain many of the issues he’s been dealing with

Why does a 13 year old have snap chat? It’s the worst of the apps. His phone should be set up so that he can’t download anything without your permission and you should restrict dangerous apps until he is much older. My 16 year old has just been allowed snap chat, and to be honest im not comfortable with it but he’s a responsible kid and has earned the right to make his own choice. No way would my 13 year old have any social media. It’s your responsibility to keep him safe online

But he has a phone right ? So why didn't you call him.

It is probably worth discussing further with the school. I work as part of an NHS diagnostic team for autism and ADHD. Many of the young people we assess sadly find their neurodivergent differences interpreted and labelled as "bad behaviour".

Unfortunately NHS waiting lists are ridiculously long (years in most areas) but if you are in a position to fund you can look into private assessment.