My son did not come home from school MASH Referral help

[NervouslyWaiting1]

My son did not come home from school on Thursday. We had a small argument that morning because I told him to have a shower and he refused. He usually prefers to shower at night, but he ended up having the shower in the morning before leaving for school.
When he didn’t come home after school, I thought maybe he was with his friends. At 10pm that night, I called the police and reported him missing. The police went out looking for him and also went to his dad’s house to check if he was there, but he wasn’t.

The next morning, I decided to go to the school to speak with teachers and his friends to find out who he had been with the previous day. I met one of his friends outside the school, who told me my son was in school that day. I told the friend that he had not come home.
I then had a meeting with the Head of Year, and my son explained didn’t come home because he had received a detention and was scared I would take his phone away. He had spent the night walking around and sitting in a park. I was shocked and spent the whole night crying.

Because of his behaviour at school, I have rules in place. If he gets a detention or comes home late, I take his phone away, and he is also not allowed to go out with friends because of things I found on his Snapchat. I believe some of his friends are a bad influence on him. He has previously told me that he feels trapped and wants more freedom to go out with his friends.

The school has now made a referral to MASH. I understand they are doing their job and treating this as a safeguarding matter.
At the moment, we are also involved in court proceedings regarding relocation back to my home country in Europe. Everything had been going very well. We had a hearing in April with a very understanding judge. He said he understood my reasons for wanting to relocate, that he had visited my country many times, understood what life is like there for children, and that his wife is from a similar country. He also said he did not need any more evidence from me. After hearing that, I was 99.9% sure the relocation would be granted.

The judge ordered CAFCASS to prepare a safeguarding letter as part of the usual procedure. I spoke to them a few days ago and the conversation went well. CAFCASS mentioned they may recommend a Section 7 report, which is a more in-depth report involving speaking to the children, although this was not something the judge originally ordered, so she said it may not happen.

Now, I’m worried this incident with my son may trigger a Section 7 report and prolong the case. I spoke to my solicitor, who said my case had previously been straightforward and easy to predict, but that it has now become a little more complicated.

We had a long chat about everything, and he opened up to me saying he just wants things to go back to how it was before where I allowed him to go out with his friends. After speaking to him, my family and a police officer who visited us after he was found. I’ve decide to let him go out with his friends and set some rules, which he promised he would follow. I work closely with the school and have agreed with the school that I will pick him up everyday.

He’s currently out with friends as we speak. Just wondering what will happen next with MASH? And if they will treat it as one off or safeguarding concern? Anyone who’s been through this?

You don't have to be a psychologist to realise your son almost certainly does not want to move countries and leave his friends behind, regardless of what you want to hear from his responses.

why are the courts involved op. If dad isn’t on the scene and objecting there would be zero reason to go to court to move.

Unless you are on some sort of radar where certain services want you to stay in one location.

He clearly doesn't want to move.

I’ve said YABU because your ds shouldn’t be so scared of you that he stays out all night. Does he see any of his British family?

Because I know father will contest out of spite. He hasn’t seen the children for 2 years, has not shown up to hearings despite being served, it’s tempting to move but I honestly don’t want to risk having to return because the father makes an application later to the court.

Sorry, no. They can recommend a s.7 but ultimately it's a judicial decision.

Some schools here are rigid with compliance culture so I wonder how easy it is to earn a detention? The stress of this is quite negative for some and worth exploring when you're looking at boundaries.

Be ready to face some tough questions about his schedule, that 10pm decision and his internet access.

There’s more to it than that, he said he was angry with me because of the argument. And him not being able to see his friends. Like I’ve said before, we’ve had a long chat about everything, and I’m not going to be as strict as I was before and will work with him and give him freedom to see his friends. I’ll listen to him. The school supports me and has even suggested I take away his phone and buy a burner phone instead, but I don’t want to do that. There’s more to it, but i want to keep some privacy.

My brother went out to look for him, and I asked my daughter to text her friends and see if they could get hold of his friends, that’s what we were doing til 10pm.

Op didn’t think to check with ex before calling police and had no idea who his friends were? What did you find on snapchat that was so serious you needed to remove his phone but not talk to school or take it further at that point. Are you hoping to relocate the whole family?

There’s a non molestation order in place, and we don’t communicate. I’ve had many meetings with the school about the behaviour, and they suggested I take away his phone and buy a burner phone instead.

I have a 13yo and I completely understand OP on all counts apart from one - her DC being too scared to come home. But it sounds like she is addressing it, by having a conversation with her son and agreeing to be less rigid.

I dont know who half of my son's friends are, how would I know? We dont live in the area where his school is, he doesn't bring most of them home, I dont know 90% of the parents as I never see them. I know two friends who are his closest, but not the rest of them. I check his phone and know their names, but I never met them/ their parents.

With regards to getting to call the police late. Sounds like she was looking for her kid before 10pm. Not everyone wants police involved straight away, especially if you are going through a court case (wrong, but I get it).

I also get why she is going to court - her ex could decide to stop her moving at the last minute out of spite, its wise to have all the legal stuff sorted.

I hope everything goes well with you, OP - just make sure your son feels like he can go to you if he is in trouble, instead of being to scared to go home. That's the main thing.

What about after 10pm?

If it were my kid, my brother would be home to watch the other kids and I would be out searching.

But I must say if my kid wasn't at home at 10 I would go mad with worry.

The thing from your OP that jumped out at me @NervouslyWaiting1 was your concern over the section 7 report. Are you worried because of the extra time or because it involves your son having the right to speak to professionals about his feelings/concerns about moving?
If you can have an argument over him not wanting a shower on a morning,then he gets a detention and he’s so scared of you taking his phone he stays out all night I think it’s right that someone speaks to him and finds out the truth about your prospective move.
I think you may find he doesn’t want to go but is too scared you will remove his phone/stop him seeing his friends etc to tell the truth.

Frankly I wouldn’t want to move abroad with someone who is quite strict but then doesn’t seem overly concerned when I stay out all night at 13 years old.
Who will be his support network when you move?
It’s a dreadful age to uproot him.

This

It’s good the school did refer. Some dont in my experience and leave it to others

Why did it take the police to contact his
Dad..and not you?
Your son was missing and you didn't check with his immediate family or friends but rang the police?
Nothing about this sounds right..
You omitted his age too.

Ok.

so if there is a non mol in place presume there have been issues with dad.

if school are advising you to get rid of the phone and get a brick/burner phone then I presume this is one of two situations;

one your son is involved with county lines drug dealing and school have advised getting rid of phone in order to stop contact from those who are threatening him/giving him money

two your child is either sending or receiving bullying messages or sexually explicit messages to and from peers.

these are the only two situations I have known schools advise parents to get rid of the smartphone.

in either of these situations you have much much bigger problems than the relocation and I’d strongly suggest following the advice you have been given.

both of these situations can end up in extremely unpleasant outcomes.

This reads like you did not know where your child was for over six hours, into late evening, before you called police.

If your explanation sounds like an excuse, then you need to give it some thought. Is there anything else you could and should have done?

Imagine how this sounds in court: "Your Honour, the reason I didn't call police as soon as it was clear that I didn't know where my child was, was that I asked X to do something and Y to do something else because (reasons) and this took until 10pm..."

Sorry OP, no.

You are the parent. You delegated your responsibility, not once but twice, one of those people was also a child, and only at 10pm reported your child missing.

I'd suggest you think about this.

First of all, I will try to clear up a point that those who haven't been divorced might not realise. When a couple divorce in this country, the rule is that neither parent can take their child abroad - not even on holiday - without the other parent's permission. So the OP would be breaking the law if she took her child to live in another country without either, her ex agreeing that she can move to a different country with their joint children, or without a court ruling agreeing to it.

@NervouslyWaiting1 could you please help me to understand the situation more clearly by answering a few questions?

a) Does your Son have any contact with relatives on his father's side of the family, and if not, did he have any contact with his paternal grandparents or paternal cousins etc before you and his Dad split up?

b) Do any of your relatives live in this country, and if so, does your son see them often, and is he fond of them? Do you have any of your family members still alive in your home country, and if so, does your son have any family there that he loves and misses?

c) If your home country does not have English as it's first language, does your son speak their first language fluently?

d) Last question OP, if you were to stay in the UK would your son be starting his GCSE exam work this Autumn?

I'm sorry for asking you so many questions OP, but without knowing the answer to them, I am finding it difficult to advise you in the most helpful way. TIA.

No one will be able to tell you more than your solicitor has. You just have to wait for it to play out. It has made your relocation more complicated, but how much more complicated remains to be seen.

If CAFCASS recommend a section 7 then it’s likely to be approved, as while judges don’t always follow CAFCASS, they usually do.

I imagine OP was hoping to sort it out without involving the police, as that would
also mean social
services becoming involved. SS becoming involved creates problems for her ongoing case.

Not calling them before 10pm though may raise more red flags for SS, and make them take a closer look than they otherwise would have done.

Of course. And a judge would have to have a cast iron reason not to follow cafcass recommendations. So if they suggest it, expect it to happen.

You’ve been too hard on him and this is the outcome. It is not wise to be too authoritarian with teenagers. They will either rebel and get worse or they will be afraid of you and become secretive (or stay out all night). You need some help and advice with parenting.

You ‘lost track of time’ and didn’t report your 13 year old missing until 10pm?! He would rather spend the night alone outside than go home? Something is very wrong here … your poor little boy. Honestly I despair at times.