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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My son did not come home from school MASH Referral help

151 replies

NervouslyWaiting1 · 24/05/2026 15:59

My son did not come home from school on Thursday. We had a small argument that morning because I told him to have a shower and he refused. He usually prefers to shower at night, but he ended up having the shower in the morning before leaving for school.
When he didn’t come home after school, I thought maybe he was with his friends. At 10pm that night, I called the police and reported him missing. The police went out looking for him and also went to his dad’s house to check if he was there, but he wasn’t.

The next morning, I decided to go to the school to speak with teachers and his friends to find out who he had been with the previous day. I met one of his friends outside the school, who told me my son was in school that day. I told the friend that he had not come home.
I then had a meeting with the Head of Year, and my son explained didn’t come home because he had received a detention and was scared I would take his phone away. He had spent the night walking around and sitting in a park. I was shocked and spent the whole night crying.

Because of his behaviour at school, I have rules in place. If he gets a detention or comes home late, I take his phone away, and he is also not allowed to go out with friends because of things I found on his Snapchat. I believe some of his friends are a bad influence on him. He has previously told me that he feels trapped and wants more freedom to go out with his friends.

The school has now made a referral to MASH. I understand they are doing their job and treating this as a safeguarding matter.
At the moment, we are also involved in court proceedings regarding relocation back to my home country in Europe. Everything had been going very well. We had a hearing in April with a very understanding judge. He said he understood my reasons for wanting to relocate, that he had visited my country many times, understood what life is like there for children, and that his wife is from a similar country. He also said he did not need any more evidence from me. After hearing that, I was 99.9% sure the relocation would be granted.

The judge ordered CAFCASS to prepare a safeguarding letter as part of the usual procedure. I spoke to them a few days ago and the conversation went well. CAFCASS mentioned they may recommend a Section 7 report, which is a more in-depth report involving speaking to the children, although this was not something the judge originally ordered, so she said it may not happen.

Now, I’m worried this incident with my son may trigger a Section 7 report and prolong the case. I spoke to my solicitor, who said my case had previously been straightforward and easy to predict, but that it has now become a little more complicated.

We had a long chat about everything, and he opened up to me saying he just wants things to go back to how it was before where I allowed him to go out with his friends. After speaking to him, my family and a police officer who visited us after he was found. I’ve decide to let him go out with his friends and set some rules, which he promised he would follow. I work closely with the school and have agreed with the school that I will pick him up everyday.

He’s currently out with friends as we speak. Just wondering what will happen next with MASH? And if they will treat it as one off or safeguarding concern? Anyone who’s been through this?

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 24/05/2026 17:16

Beyondamountainandoverthesea · 24/05/2026 17:13

Have you spent too long in the sun?

There’s definitely some brain melting going on there. Must be the heatwave.

BillieWiper · 24/05/2026 17:16

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Everyone in the UK is worthless? And as for leftist have you seen the local elections?

If you hate the UK why don't you go away from here yourself?

StephensLass1977 · 24/05/2026 17:20

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Feel free to pack your bags, leave, and join the op.

Tabarnak · 24/05/2026 17:26

It’s a tricky age.

You can’t stop a 13 yo having friends and seeing friends, it is an age where friends mean everything.

Make it easy for him to bring friends home: keep them close (but leave them to their own devices in your front room, or whatever) .

If he gets a detention at school the detention is the punishment. It is OTT to then take his phone.

Keep up the communication with him. Let him talk about what he feels. Be someone he feels he can talk to.

Frugalgal · 24/05/2026 17:33

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I dread to think what kind of abusive right wing loony type behaviour lurks behind this.

Foodylicious · 24/05/2026 17:34

Do you not have his phone connected to yours on a family link or similar?
So you can see where he is?
I know our parents didnt have the capability/technology when we were there age, but we do now.
Please get it set up if you haven't already.
And have some of his friends/friends parents numbers in your phone.
I am suprised you left it so late before trying to track him down.

Also, maybe ease off on the double punishments
School have given him a detention for whatever reason as punishment.
I dont know that you need to punish him again??
Unless its a clear poor behaviour or bullying he has committed. Let it go.

BunnyLake · 24/05/2026 17:43

Frugalgal · 24/05/2026 17:33

I dread to think what kind of abusive right wing loony type behaviour lurks behind this.

Unhinged comes to mind.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 24/05/2026 17:47

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This sounds more like a post on X than MN. Crazy!

CaptainMyCaptain · 24/05/2026 17:51

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This is a crazy post.
Edit: i wouldn't let a 13 year old go out and do what he wanted either and 7f ge was out all night I'd be worried out of my mind but what the he'll is all that about Lefties and setting a trap. Just bonkers.

Shinyhappyapple · 24/05/2026 17:51

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This is one of the most unhelpful posts I have ever seen on MN.

Jellox · 24/05/2026 17:57

You are way too strict on him.

He would rather sleep in a park with God knows who about, than tell you he had a detention.

My DD got a detention because her pen leaked and got ink on her tie - I would not make a blanket rule over all detentions because some of them are silly.

It is not normal for a 13yo to spend the night outside on their own.
Its a massive safeguarding risk and you rightly so should be looked into.

I don’t think you’re a bad person - none of us know how to be a parent, we just do the best that we can with what we know.

But there are a few red flags here, the biggest one being you are more concerned about whether this affects you moving, rather than what’s going on in your poor child’s mind.

CaptainMyCaptain · 24/05/2026 17:57

If his father is not interested who is stopping you taking your son back to your own country? I can see the sense in this if you are worried about bad influences. A change of scene could be good but why does it have to go to court?

Newyearawaits · 24/05/2026 17:59

titchy · 24/05/2026 16:13

You assumed he was at his friends? Till 10pm? Fuck me that’s negligent. Why did it take you till the next day to find out which friends he was with? You seem quite lax on the one hand, but strict on the other? Does he want to go and live in your country? Does his father agree?

This.
Most important question is does OP's son want to relocate?????
If he doesn't, OP shouldn't be going!

Shinyhappyapple · 24/05/2026 18:04

Tabarnak · 24/05/2026 17:26

It’s a tricky age.

You can’t stop a 13 yo having friends and seeing friends, it is an age where friends mean everything.

Make it easy for him to bring friends home: keep them close (but leave them to their own devices in your front room, or whatever) .

If he gets a detention at school the detention is the punishment. It is OTT to then take his phone.

Keep up the communication with him. Let him talk about what he feels. Be someone he feels he can talk to.

In general parenting terms I agree with all of this.

im not sure whether there is anything in OP’s situation which would mean she should take a different line, as I feel there is information that’s u clear or omitted.

But as a general rule this is good advice.

TinyGingerCat · 24/05/2026 18:10

There’s a massive difference between a 13 y.o being out until 6pm playing footie and still being out at 10pm - I cannot fathom why you’d wait so long to call the police. Something is not right here - you have a row about showing, he’s too scared to tell you he has a detention and so he prefers the option of staying out all night. That is not a normal reaction. If dad is so disinterested why all the court hearings?

Cruiser123 · 24/05/2026 18:20

There are obviously things going horribly wrong at home if a 13 year old prefers to spend the night in the park (which is a massive risk - imagine what horrible people he could have come across).

I think this is a very good example where social services involvement is justified and needed.

GethsemaneHall · 24/05/2026 18:23

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Sunstroke? Drugs? Alcohol problems? Must be one of these, either that or you are completely off your rocker!

RancidRuby · 24/05/2026 18:28

Bizarre that you didn’t call the police sooner. If my teens didn’t turn up after school as expected I’d be calling them to find out where they were. If I couldn’t get hold of them then I’d track their phones, depending on where it showed them at I’d then text them to say be home by say 6, or I’d go to them to bring them home. And if I didn’t get a response within a hour or so or couldn't find them at all I’d then phone the police. Moving through all those steps would probably take 2 hours at the most so why did you wait 6 hours to phone the police? Had you heard from him at all in that time? I’d be out of my mind if my 13 year old was missing and uncontactable for hours.

OneNewLeader · 24/05/2026 18:41

Your solicitor probably knows the degree to which this will change the timeframe.

13 is a tricky age, you might want to ask your friends how they parent and what has worked for them. My sense is that you’re worried about him, possibly bring led astray and you’re doing your best, but him going AWOL is seriously concerning. Without being too alarmist, you don’t know where he was. Work with whoever is willing to support you.

Imbusytodaysorry · 24/05/2026 18:43

@NervouslyWaiting1 if he likes a shower at night why did you force it in the morning ?
At 13 surely he can have a voice to when he prefers a shower ?
Are you sure he wants to move , maybe he is trying to keep mum Happy.
He doesn’t sound like a happy child .
Maybe he never ment for it to seem like manipulation. He just acted the only way that came natural to him through fear .

Bamboozle30001 · 24/05/2026 18:50

Yes curse us awful Brits and our shitty parenting.

PlummyAndFruity · 24/05/2026 19:03

Newyearawaits · 24/05/2026 17:59

This.
Most important question is does OP's son want to relocate?????
If he doesn't, OP shouldn't be going!

Don't be daft. Children rarely know what's best for them and they don't like change. My 2 didn't want to relocate from a not very nice city to a lovely town, but 20 years later they thank us and say it's the best thing we ever did. Parents are in charge in these situations, not children.

Oriunda · 24/05/2026 19:08

If you hadn’t taken his phone, you’d have been able to track him. Your punishments are OTT, so he’s hiding stuff from you now. You need to get your relationship back on track.

As for the crazy Italian/E European lady above ….. ma vaffanculo!

Divebar2021 · 24/05/2026 19:12

Well it’s relevant to know whether he’s in favour of the move to know how much of the behaviour can be attributed to that.

Some of these issues seem to be managed reasonably easily. I wouldn’t double punish if the school had given a detention and I would let him shower when he wants if he’s showering regularly. I would expect him to observe a reasonable curfew and answer any messages on his phone though if you’re trying to contact him ( but who am I to give advice to another parent? Just another worthless Brit with a child who has never had a detention in her life and doesn’t fuck off for the night )

StartingFreshFor2026 · 24/05/2026 19:12

Potatocakewalk · 24/05/2026 16:11

Christ, he is 13 and you weren’t hysterical when he wasn’t home by 10pm!!!! I would have been searching on the streets for him and called the police when he was late by 30 mins! In what world is it normal for a 13 year old to be in an unknown location at 10pm? Safeguarding is absolutely right to be involved.

Agree, a safeguarding response is definitely needed. Most 13 year olds would have got scared and come home.

Now is not the time for punishments.

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