AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

You’re naive if you think drugs are only used by young people in London.

Unfortunately, you are absolutely right. I have a number of friends, some associates, some even partners, who take cocaine 'for fun'. And yes, there is a difference. There should not be and it seems classist and revolting, but there is a difference, even though on the face of it, there should not be.

No. But you do need to talk to your daughter about taking responsibility for her own safety.

How exactly did DD behave poorly ? Her brother took drugs, invited a friend back and despite the fact that he’d been coming on to DD all night, despite the fact that she’d told him she wasn’t interested, he then insisted they share a room for the night. Hardly her fault is it ?

Yanbu. I think this was really poor - and selfish - behaviour from your son. You’d normally expect an older brother to look after his younger sister. However, since she has told you not to say anything I think you should have another conversation with her saying you are supportive of her and you would like to raise this and if she says not to you need to abide by it.
Especially not prioritising her safety when she felt weird is really off.

I would note this inwardly though since if he is having mood, job or money troubles in future you now know that this could be due to drug abuse. You may not wish to be lending money to him without some strings attached.

Don’t disagree with any of this.

You shouldn't go against your DD's wishes. You can discuss this with her again though. In addition to helping her to work out what to do in various scenarios, so she's better prepared and safer, you can practise how to tackle difficult conversations. Hopefully, she will decide to talk to her brother about how she felt .

Yeah this!!!

At 21 I think she's old enough to say something herself.

I still think that if you had just watched the programme it would make you think twice.

I assume you are extremely young and have never consumed alcohol, because anyone who has would be aware that there is a fairly wide spectrum of intoxication where you might have had a drink, but are still capable of consent.

Do you think any sexual activity whatsoever after a sip of alcohol is rape? You realise you can still legally drive after 1-2 pints? But you think somebody would have lost the capacity to consent to sex?

Sorry your thread has been derailed . I think because your DS put your DD at risk I think you need to speak to him and possibly his girlfriend .

I think if everything else had happened , but your DD had not been required to share a room with the friend , it would have been far from ideal and you may have weighed it up and decided not to make an issue of it .

However both he / and his girlfriend made your daughter feel uncomfortable and they didn’t listen to her concerns . I appreciate that they may have been too drunk / out of it by this point - but that isn’t really an excuse .
I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable at that age or any age sharing a room with someone who I had barely knew , especially if they had been flirting etc earlier .

Whilst I appreciate that you said your relationship with your son isn’t great I think you still need to speak to him . I would also check with your daughter what she said to him. It may be that she didn’t really make her feelings known as she could see that her DB & his girlfriend were too far gone .
I think the fact that the DS tells his sister that he wants to have sex with his girlfriend , also seems a bit too much too - unless they are super close and would discuss their sex lives freely regularly .
As your DD is 21 your DS may have simply assumed she was a grown up and he didn’t need to protect her . He should however know that she is young for her age .
I am not sure if your DS’s girlfriend ‘s input here would help . Would she have been happy at the same age as your DD to be left in the same situation ?

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I suggest you find a way of empowering your daughter to have this conversation with her brother herself. The message should be coming from her not him. Whether she find it easier to do it over the phone, text or in writing is up to her. Perhaps a hand-written note would be most impactful?

Yes I think I will talk to DD when she gets up (she’s in bed sleeping off last night) and see if she is comfortable with me having a a little chat with him, not so much in punitive way but rather just drawing his attention to it.
I think it would be fairly futile to talk to his girlfriend, I have never really gotten the impression from her that she has much care for anyone other than herself … but that’s a whole other issue!

😄

I think the message needs to come from your daughter directly. For me personally if I was her, I’d chalk it up to experience and learn to not go out with her brother without having her wits about her or another trusted friend.

It doesn't matter if he bought it himself. The fact he took it on this situation indicates he takes it regularly and shows poor judgement about when to take it, hes a druggie. So many young professionals who take Cocaine think it's just a small recreational habit but actually are taking it everytime they drink, every pub trip/wedding/occasion/night out.

I think you should talk to your DD. She feels pathetic but actually she's not, her brothers behaviour was really poor and whilst they may both be adults, siblings should be trying to protect each other and he should have prioritised your DDs safety over his friends comfort and his desire for sex/drugs/a wild night out. Perhaps once you've spoken to her she might feel able to tell her brother how his behaviour made her feel

Her brother could have had the decency to give up his bed just once

I’m wondering why you went home and left your DD to follow later on the last train ? Show over around 10pm, then you all went to a club for a while, you can’t have left the club too much before the last train ? Did you not worry about your DD finding her way to the train station by herself ?

I’m doubtful your post is all that true, I can’t imagine many 21 year olds telling their mum that her brother drank too much, took drugs, threw up in the street, etc. Or I wonder does your DD know that yourself and your DH doesn’t have a great relationship with your son and plays up to that. Surely, if your DD felt unsafe, she should have known to phone you or a friend, remove herself from the situation the best she could, even if that meant locking herself in the bathroom while she phoned someone to come to her rescue.

he did cocaine and obvs knew how to get hold of it. What would you call him?

She is 21, wanted to stay out, we got the second to last train, she was finishing a drink and said she would either follow on for the last train or get a cab/stay with her brother. Obviously the night escalated from there and she decided to stay out. We offered to wait for her more than once but she insisted we go on ahead, I imagine this is probably because in the moment she did want to stay out and couldn’t have predicted how it would unfold.

DD has a habit of telling us all of DS’s less then desirable traits, it’s something we are trying to work on with her as I do think she sometimes does it to make him look worse and her better, but in this case I believe her and I’m glad she felt able to tell me.

The worst issue is she said a bloke made her feel unsafe and her brother took no notice. That’s shit and whilst an adult even if she was the most street wise older woman who had lived all over the world women are vulnerable to men and he didn’t listen.

But if you have a go at your DS and it comes out she confided in you which it would then she will very probably not confide in you again. Advise her to never go out with him and his GF again.

Funnily enough professionals using cocaine is quite normalised on MN, I mean how about some unemployed youth on a really shitty dangerous estate taking drugs, not as glamorous then is it.

He is supporting criminal gangs using drugs, I hope he gets caught, solicitors can be suspended or be at risk a removal from being able to practice. He is no better than kids off shitty estates demonised for drug taking. In fact as he has had the benefit of a decent education and is a professional he should know better.

I've read this before, word for word.

No you’re thinking of the one where OP’s daughter went out with her brother and GF to a London club, got seperate, freaked out when she saw people doing coke in the toilets and ran out only to be so petrified the taxi driver would be a rapist that she didn’t get a cab. So instead sat crying on the pavement until some streetwise older girls got her home safely.

A lot of parallels but not the same story.