AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

So if they were equally drunk/drugged up, and she was coming onto him saying she wanted sex, and he agreed and participated, that is still rape?

True story of a cab driver who drugged and raped numerous women. Even if Ubers are now more closely monitored, if you have recently watched it, it would make you wary.

This, suggesting so is just insulting and demeaning to people who have actually experienced rape/sexual assault

Well, it sounds like you and your DS don’t really get on, so your relationship may not survive this sort of conversation. Only you know your DS well enough to know how he would take this sort of conversation.

I think your Son was irresponsible .His Sisters safety has been compromised .What if the friend had pushed his luck with your DD? Would he have come to her rescue.Sleeping in the same room was not safe as to why DD couldnt sleep! Luckily nothing happened but it was not a safe situation for her .

Your dc are adults.
Its not actually any of your business.

They all behaved very poorly. (not sure why their professions were relevant).

I would be embarrassed to even post this, if it were my dc.

You would ring one adult to tell him he made another adult uncomfortable by taking cocaine? Are you being serious?

He takes cocaine he is a druggie.

I'd be very disappointed in DS not listening to his sister and ignoring her fears.
However, this isn't your argument. It's your daughter's. She has a perfect right to be uncomfortable sharing a room with a person who's been flirting with her all evening and unfortunately her brother wasn't able to see her point.
Up to her to deal with her brother herself and you must keep out, as requested.
And your son does drugs. Therefore he's a druggie. Some of them do wear suits.

I also remember a thread almost identical to this.

I’ve given up arguing the point now. MN is batshit sometimes.

To be honest I think your son sounds pretty pathetic. I'd be really disappointed in him and I'd imagine his sisters opinion of him is currently in the gutter, maybe irreversibly

Taking drugs on a night out with his much younger sister who's clearly not into it. Getting so drunk you vomit in the street. Being unable to tell his friend to fuck off or his girlfriend that no this man cannot stay in the same room as his sister. He's 28 and is far too old to not recognise the risk to his sister, and far too old to not be able to say no to his friend and GF or priotise sex over her safety. Bear in mind his sibling is 7 years younger than him, she's been a child for a large proportion of his adult life. Most people are protective of their much younger siblings

I think instead of confronting your son I'd be reassuring your DD that's she's absolutely not the one being pathetic. Feeling uncomfortable sharing a room with a much older, drunk man who can't take no for an answer shows a good sense of judegemnt. She tried to protect her safety, getting a uber back to Surrey by yourself is a risk and she should have been safe staying with her older brother.

There’s a difference between a ‘druggie’ and someone who uses cocaine recreationally and is not addicted. Not condoning drug use, but there is a difference.

I am absolutely against your son's behaviour- but was it always planned that your daughter would stay the night at his flat? If yes, I'd want to talk to him as he agreed to give her a safe night and failed. I'd talk to your daughter first though and agree an approach she's ok with. If not, I wouldn't talk to him (but agree with your disappointment) but I definitely would gently talk to your daughter. Leaving it too late to get the train and then expecting a drunk man you know is on drugs to take accountability for your safety is not sensible! In future plan where to sleep in advance, take enough money for a hotel or - if thats not possible - keep an eye on the time and make sure you get the last train home. Her brother should have behaved much, much better - no excuses for him at all! But sadly in this world she also needs to plan for her own safety and not rely on others

*I want to make it clear this situation was in no way her fault! This is just to avoid similar situations as far as possible in the future

Your son could get dismissed, suspended or struck off from being a solicitor, for possessing a Class A drug. He’s an idiot. (My DS is a lawyer).

No, they would tell him he made another adult (his sister) uncomfortable by taking a friend back who clearly didn’t want to take no for an answer when she said she was not interested in him. And then insisting that she share a room with him for the night. Or did you miss that bit ?

OP’s DS is probably very aware of all of this, if he is a solicitor. Maybe he just doesn’t care or doesn’t think he’ll get caught.

Not if it’s for personal use. Just shown my DH this thread - he’s a lawyer.

Thank you.

I understand why you would feel disappointed in your DS behaviour and feel empathy for your DD. I would be worried he is breaching his professional code of conduct as a solicitor in relation to class A drug use, i would be worried about his lack of care for his younger sister.
As your DD is an adult and has asked you not to say anything about this matter and how she felt that should be respected.
I would suggest your DD doesn't get in a compromising position again, now she knows the situation.

@Feis123 read up about travelodge they are not that safe

I'm not going to comment on this exact situation as we don't know how drunk either party actually were, or whether anything actually happened as a man off his face on cocaine and alcohol who's just vomited in the street is hardly a turn on, but consent given before someone's intoxicated does not stand when that person is actually intoxicated.

Absolutely not. And this poster knows it.

The difference is if she is too drunk to give consent. She can still be drunk and give consent