AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

YANBU - you’re right to be concerned. We need to stop normalising this kind of drug use especially among professionals who (a) are supposed to have more sense and (b) are trusted by the public to do their job properly. At 28 and 25 he and his gf are far too old for that kind of nonsense, and it really annoys me that society acts like it’s ok for people to walk and drive around coked up (which some do) We need to raise our standards, folks.

No, I'm not familiar with that one
Anniversary
Family day out
Private members club
Sons girlfriend
Cocaine
Dodgy friend
DDboesn't want to say anything

I was predicting the next sentence like I was re-reading a book.

If the son gets caught with class A and convicted he can kiss his law career goodbye.
Idiot .

I agree.

All was well, your daughter was not molested by the couple's friend. She is home now noine the worse.

Her biggest mistake was telling you the details which no doubt you have magnified in your mind.

It really was not a big deal for a 21 year old.

Yes and the middle class get a pass on this.
Meanwhile the exploited teenagers doing the county lines end up getting stabbed in the park.

He used/uses Class A drugs. What would you say if he wasn't your son

And Op's daughter sleep where-in with the GF?

I mean perhaps she could have gone to his flat?

He took his parents out for their anniversary & wasn't expecting to be responsible for his adult sister

Why did Op's daughter stay long enough to miss the last train when she was being pestered by someone?

I can see both sides.

Normal people don’t take cocaine!!! Your son is a druggie and a nasty piece of work and if he was mine I’d be extremely ashamed of him!! His “friend” could have raped his sister!! Why on earth would he invite a man to stay at his house when his sister was staying there??? He put her at risk and also didn’t consider her feelings or show any sibling protective normality! I wouldn’t just be having a word with him or Rip him a new Arsehole for this disgusting behavior

Why on earth would he invite a man to stay at his house when his sister was staying there???

He didn't.

And that would bad because? It's a class A drug. Would you be happy for your GP, your children's teacher, your holiday flight pilot to be using it?

I read that one too , and this instantly rang alarm bells

From the OP. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.

And from an update DD said when she realised she was expected to share a room with the friend she asked DS if she could sleep in the same room as him or his girlfriend and the other share with the friend but DS apparently said no because he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend.

He may not have invited the friend back personally, as it was the GF’s flat, but he was certainly involved, and did nothing to protect his sister from a potentially dangerous situation.

I would talk to him about it. I’d go for face to face rather than a message. Phone if you can’t visit.

I think OP said upthread that this wasn’t her thread, and if I remember rightly there were some differences in the circumstances.

Daughter should say something. Message him, Last night wasn't cool. I'd expect my brother to have my back when his wasted friend was perving and not be coked up and vomiting on the pavement. Not a great look for a posh solicitor.

I’m not saying it’s bad for people to be struck off lol, all I’m saying is that it’s so prevalent and normalised in the UK that realistically it won’t happen.

That's fair enough. You might not have noticed. But it's fairly common among people in their 20s-30s.

I'm not condoning it but it's all over the place if you're in that age bracket.

She asked to go to his flat, which was doable. He refused and told her the friend was ‘docile’.

Oh wow. Why do you think she wanted to stay out with him if she doesn't even like him?

Do you think she martyred herself unnecessarily just so she could snitch on him?

I can't imagine any circumstance where I would grass my sibling up to parents for a hedonistic evening out.

I would ring him myself or give him a mouthful in the morning and tell him he was a fucking prick

I would make a note never to go out with him again maybe, but now way would I snitch to my mum.

Was there no plan for how your daughter would get home if she missed her train?

Did your son actually say that he would look after his sister, or take responsibility for her?

It seems like they all went out to party and, when your daughter missed her train, she was invited to join him, his friend and his girlfriend back at his girlfriend’s place. It’s not something that was planned, and doesn’t sound like too unusual an end to a night out.

Your son was drunk. And on cocaine. It doesn’t exactly equate to good decision making.

I don’t think it’s reasonable, or fair, to expect someone who is clearly inebriated to think and act like someone who is sober. Nor for the responsiblilty for someone else to fall on them.

Anyway, I can see the thread has been derailed by people who think a sniff of cocaine will result in a person losing their career and in prison time, and people who think sex between a drunk couple is rape.

I wouldn't say anything to your son, but I would definitely be discussing options with your daughter for when she is in situations where she doesn’t feel comfortable. For example, that she can call you at any time, that you or her father will collect her if you can’t, or stay on the phone with her whilst she is in a taxi if you can’t. Give her access to an account with emergency money for a taxi or hotel etc. I’m surprised you haven’t had such conversations before now. This is what I will be doing with my own children.

I wouldn’t really call what she did snitching, she was telling her mother about her shitty experience. It’s not like he’s gonna be grounded at his big age.

This, wonder if it’s been the family way with the dd being the “faultless innocent baby sister”, who can do no wrong, and if she does, it’s the fault of evil big bad bro?

I can't imagine any circumstance where I would grass my sibling up to parents for a hedonistic evening out.

This stuck out to me too.

There is no way, at 21, I would have been telling my parents about a sibling taking cocaine. And they would never have done that to me.

It goes against the unwritten rules of being a sibling.

@Resini did you have a such a helpless, faultless innocent lamb view of ds at 21? What was he doing then? Did he manage to leave the family home?

I think your DS was inconsiderate and should have been more sensitive to his sister's safety and comfort levels. Having said that, I think she has probably learned not to trust him to do so going forward, and will not put herself in that position again. I would stay out of it.