AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

She should try to find out more about the drug use though I can see that's hard...cocaine is obviously a dangerous and addictive drug.

It’s not common amongst all professionals.
I’ve mixed in circles with doctors, engineers, teachers, company directors etc etc for 20 odd years. I’ve NEVER seen anyone openly taking coke.
It’s common amongst entitled k^obheads I’m sure, but I don’t mix with those.

In terms of his drug use that’s correct. She barely knows him. Why would any son keep his mother up to date on their drug use ? What she’s saying is also correct regarding some of the comments here. There simply isn’t enough evidence to support the fact that he’s an addict. It’s supposition and a lot of it is based on misconception of what addiction really means.

Same here.

I also have never seen any professionals take coke. I've only seen someone take cocaine once in my entire life. That was at a music festival

I didn’t say all professionals, l said professions.

Me too. And @ThreadGuardDog, ‘druggie’ is a (not particularly kind) word used to describe a habitual drug user, which is exactly what OP’s son is.

She seems to barely know him at all. Which is very sad.

You didn’t - you actually said ‘professionals’ in your post (copied below):

It’s not just common in the legal profession - recreational use of cocaine is rife among all professionals.

This bit you wrote in reply to pp:
Alcohol is less harmful than cocaine

-'You can’t be serious! Do you know how many people die from alcohol every year, compared to those who die from cocaine?'

That is the main reason why cocaine is illegal and alcohol is not

-'No - the main reason that alcohol is legal is because it is so deeply embedded in our culture. If it were to be discovered tomorrow, it would not be legalised.' The poster is right about this. You only quoted part of her post.

'Alcohol is less harmful than cocaine because the risk from dying from one or two uses of it are extremely rare.

That is the main reason why cocaine is illegal and alcohol is not. '

It's deeply disingenuous to imply alcohol is just as dangerous as cocaine and we only see it as safer due to culture. Cocaine is far more addictive and dangerous.

Sorry, I don't know why part went big. Not sure how to change it!

Well ultimately when it comes to his social life I don’t. I’m not on nights out with him, he’s not detailing them to me or even telling me he was on one, why would he, he is an adult?

He calls maybe once a week, tells me about work or a trip he was on, not whether he took cocaine, how he sourced it and how many units of alcohol he consumed. I wouldn’t have told my own parents that either.

We see him 4 or 5 times a year, and most of them are at our home where obviously his behaviour will be rather different to his social persona. I think it’s weird that you believe parents of adults should know exactly what they do in their free time.

You did say all professionals, reread your post.

Nice middle class professionals can be “ druggies too “ it transcends class …

I’d be furious that a 28 year old man couldn’t take more care for his 21 year old sister, I’d phone him up and give him both barrels about what can happen to women in these situations and how good men behave.

Your lack of relationship just makes me really sad. And I find your lack of interest in the fact he takes illegal drugs very strange too. I’m not saying you should know exactly everything he’s up to. He won’t tell you that and it would be weird for you to know that. But you seem very unbothered about him taking illegal drugs and his weird attitude towards his sister (your daughter)…..

I would be raging at DS and I would struggle not to say anything tbh.
I don’t care how old you are, siblings should look out for each other and he failed. Spectacularly. Shame on him. He clearly doesn’t see it and it is your job as a mother to let him know he behaved shamefully and dishonourably.

OP won’t accept this because it doesn’t fit her worldview. Yet she’s clearly invested in this whole situation because - as many other posters have already pointed out - she previously posted about it on here 2 years ago.

Is your husband ds’s dad? Sorry I wasn’t sure. Because if so and they can’t stand each other that’s a pretty big deal.

but yes, I’d say something to ds about how Dd felt.

Im not sure I would call him a druggie!

He takes cocaine?

I have asked multiple times now on advice on how to deal with it.
I know DS if I call him up and say “do you have a problem with cocaine”, he will hang up, ignore me for months on end likely not change any behaviours.

Yes I agree it is sad that we are distant, we were closer before his current relationship, and even closer before he fell out with his dad, I’m doing the best I can to keep the connection alive and well.

Sorry, yes, you’re right. I did type professions but autocorrect must have changed it without me noticing. That’ll teach me to proof read before l hit post !!

As I have said, I haven’t posted before, I’m sure there is more than one parent in the world in a similar situation! It’s hardly a 1 in a million thing.

And I will accept my son is an addict … if he is. Like I said we simply do not know that. That isn’t me being in denial, it’s just the reality of the facts at hand.

I wouldn’t break my daughter’s trust, but I would be incredibly disappointed if my son was such a colossal twat. Cocaine, railroading his sister. Yeech.

I really don’t know what to suggest. I’m sorry.