AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Agree it might well be a habit that could develop into dependence and lead to problems the longer it continues. I think we’re on the same side here - I’m not condoning the use of cocaine, even recreationally. It’s a dangerous substance and illegal for good reason, and I have to agree with a previous poster who pointed out the classist attitudes around recreational use by professionals. My only point is that it’s important to understand words like ‘addict’ and ‘dependent’ before applying them because they aren’t always appropriate and tend to muddy the waters. So many posters on threads dealing with alcohol and other substance abuse use words like alcoholic and addict without having the first clue as to what they actually mean.

I agree with you.

He uses drugs
he’s a druggie
sorry but that’s the truth and good on your DD for saying something too.

I agree. But I think OP thinks he can’t be that because he’s from a naice middle-class family.

I never saw someone do cocaibe until I was 30.

I think you need to see if DD would he okay with you talking to DS. I couldn't get worked up about the drinking or the recreational drug use. I would be really upset about him putting DD in a vulnerable position. He put the to sleep in a room with a man that made her feel uncomfortable. I dont care how docile DS perceives him to be. He isnt risking himself. He's risking DDs safety.

Moving forward id suggest that DD doesn't stay out with DS. I dont think he's really considering her at all. He's focused on his night and having a laugh. TBH, I think his very irresponsible. That's fine when your irresponsible with yourself but when it impacts others its an issue.

OP: I appreciate that you and your husband do not have the kind of relationship with your son where they you intervene and try to prevent him using cocaine, but you are lying to yourself by minimising it by calling it "recreational".

If he cannot even manage a night out with his kid sister without taking cocaine, he's addicted. What you call "recreational" use means he cannot do recreation without cocaine to elevate the experience. So he's a functioning addict.

Worse than that, by buying cocaine, he is paying for other people to be exploited, trafficked and killed as part of the supply chain and the misery it causes. It's got to be the worst drug in terms of ethics.

I think she wasn’t unreasonable to expect her brother to behave better than this, and to feel concerned that he might kick off and be unpleasant if she left, given he is clearly a somewhat selfish individual and had taken cocaine (and had several drinks.)

Wasn't he equally drunk though? Definitely sex sounds like a bad idea when both were in a state.

It IS rape if someone in a clear state of mind takes advantage of someone very very drunk.

If DS & the GF were equally out if it that's a totally different situation : not a good one though. They should both stop using harmful substances.

Appreciate you cannot do very much about DS though as he's an adult living independently.

I'd suggest not leaving your young for her years daughter out with her cocaine taking brother (who also has a history of getting black out drunk).

Yes, taxis like black cabs should be safe. But we know very well they aren't always for women.
.
I wish there were more female cab drivers. Sometimes one can be requested but depends on the situation.

It is her business her son has creepy friends and didn't take his sister's side against them. The drug use is her business too.

Adult children should still be reprimanded if they behave badly enough.

I agree.

Exactly! If it's bad for a wc person to take coke it's equally bad for a mc one.

Especially one in a supposedly trustworthy position...

This is the key thing that OP doesn’t seem to realise.

Okay
First of all I appreciate all of the comments and time taken to reply.
As for whether DS is a druggie or not clearly depends on your definition. I want to make it perfectly clear I do not think any amount of cocaine use is okay or acceptable. However I also don’t think you can go in suggesting rehab to anyone who is using cocaine at all.
Next whether he is a functioning addict, a habitual user or a recreational user is totally unknowable to anyone here including myself. We can theorise all we like, but we simply do not know, he may well be using it every weekend, or it could be very rare, we simply don’t know, we don’t know what led to him using it last night, if it was a normal element of his weekends out or an opportunistic but rare choice. No amount of speculating will get any of us any closer to the truth, regardless of what theory or pattern has been seen before.
Not to mention it is beside the point exactly how much he uses or when or in what frequency as this was about an isolated event not a wider pattern.
Im open to advice on what we can do to find out both the extent of his use and how to support him in stopping, talking isn’t an option we don’t have that sort of relationship. But unless you are actually going to offer real advice on how to help with that, it’s futile to bring up your opinion on whether he is addicted, a druggie or something else as the information to support your claim does not exist .

In regards to what I have actually posted about, DD has said she doesn’t mind if I mention she felt unsafe to him, and she doesn’t want to text him herself but she doesn’t want me to mention that she told us about other aspects of the night.

I think you need to tell your DS that cocaine is so Seventies. Maybe do an eyeroll at the end as well. 🙄

@Resini I would do exactly that then - let your son know how uncomfortable she felt and that she was left in a vulnerable position. I wouldn't mention the drug use - he's an adult and can do as he pleases, but he needs to know that he could have potentially put your daughter at risk by allowing a stranger (to your DD) to sleep in the same room as her - especially as she he seemed to be pursuing her and not taking no for an answer.
In future, I would tell DD to call you if she ever felt like that again (I would want my own to DD that!) for an exit plan.

Your post is SO weird. You sound like you’re speculating about someone you barely know rather than your own son.

How would she know though. They don't live together.

I don't feel you'd be in the right to criticise his cocaine & alcohol use. It's a bank holiday weekend, they can afford it, he appears to be managing life well enough. Fair to have intensive discussions about the harms of the cocaine trade at another time, not right now.

The big point is his pressuring her to sleep overnight with a man who was pestering her. That's incredibly wrong. He was wrong to dismiss his sister's concerns, wrong to minimise the friend's behaviour, and wrong not to take steps to look after her.

Its definitely time he had the wake-up call about sexual predation and collective responsibility. Try discussing it with DD again first but, yes, I think you should speak to him.

I've read this before a good year or so ago 🤨

Your son is a very bad man, class A drugs, practically pimping out his own sister, the whole situation sounds shocking to me. She needs to be protected from him in future. Open yoyr eyes, he's dangerous.

No i remember that one. It was different