AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

I’ve given up now. It’s the same on every alcohol thread too - posters insisting that if you drink more than a thimble full of sherry once a fortnight you must be an alcoholic !! The plain fact is that many of the posters here are using the word ‘addict’ without having the slightest clue what it means or the difference between addiction, dependency and recreational use. I’m not advocating for drug use but it’s important to understand these differences if the discussion is to be meaningful.

It’s also nothing like the NHS description - it’s this posters own version of it, reworded to suit the narrative. And it’s nonsense.

Who is normalising substance use ? No-one as far as I can see is condoning it - simply trying to point out that ‘use’ is not the same as addiction.

Yes there’s a certain detachment around where it actually comes from. There was a lot of it where I grew up - wasn’t involved myself (never in million years!) but I’m not sheltered and what you’re saying does play out in real life. Education was the way out.

Last time I looked it was a Class A drug - it doesn’t diminish in potency or dangerousness with occasional use. Someone like the OP’s DS being a functional user is not the same in practice as someone fully addicted, I agree, but how functional are they really if their idea of a good time is ingesting a Class A drug at weekends. What’s missing in their life? Why would anyone in their right mind want to go near that stuff?! I’m concerned that we’re minimising use by comparing it to addiction, when in reality I think we ought to be fighting against it more than we are. Nobody needs to put something like that in their body.

Exactly.

This is the NHS description below. Which bit did I reword, please?

Addiction is defined as not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/addiction-what-is-it/

Is it because he’s a criminal drug addict?

OP is.

I agree. She almost seems proud of his drug use. She’s certainly not criticising it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5190609-angry-with-son-for-abandoning-daughter-on-night-out?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

This one?

There’s a strange dynamic going on here, @Resini, where you seem to not really care about your daughter but seem to support your son no matter what. It’s very odd.

You say that cocaine is harmful each time you take it

Cocaine is harmful each time you take it because it means you are a selfish idiot who is happy to condone trafficking, modern day slavery, child exploitation, money laundering and funding terrorism.

That’s also the one I was thinking of!

What is it that you understand harmful to mean to come to the conclusion that using cocaine ONE time, renders someone a cocaine addict?

No one is going to rehab because they used cocaine ONE time. No one is attending meetings because of that ONE line they had. No one’s marriage is imploding because of that ONE line of coke they had on a night out, ONCE. No one is losing contact with their children over using coke ONCE. People aren’t missing work because they used coke ONCE. They aren’t underperforming in their jobs because they used coke ONCE. They aren’t losing friendships, withdrawing from things they were previously interested in, they aren’t losing weight, having heart attacks, strokes and mental health crises because they used cocaine ONE time!

What does harmful mean to you?

Absolutely. It can also kill you each time you take it.

I quoted the NHS definition of addiction upthread. The full version, explaining what addiction is, how it differs from dependence and how substance misuse doesn’t necessarily lead to addiction.

This is what you said One way of describing addiction is taking/using something to the point where it could be harmful to you. Alcohol is not necessarily harmful each time you take it, but cocaine absolutely is. On that basis, OP’s son is a cocaine addict.

Which is not the same as *not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you. You overlooked the part about control, which is the key. The harm here is not that you take something, but that you have no control over the desire to take it - to the exclusion of all else. Where has OP indicated that this is the case ?

Exactly.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51137210

And that still doesn't make you an addict if you can walk away from it and not make your next fix the priority over everything else in your life.

My apologies for overlooking the part about control. I genuinely missed that.

The point I was making in my post above was about how harmful cocaine is. A tiny amount of cocaine could kill you. In comparison, you’d have to drink a lot of alcohol - or an extremely strong alcohol - for it to kill gou.

Also, I’m not sure OP’s son can walk away from it. It seems like he’s using it at weekends. That suggests a habit.

That has absolutely nothing to do with addiction. It’s completely irrelevant.

The OP came here for advice and not only has the thread been derailed beyond belief, but it’s decended into abject nonsense.

Perhaps read this article - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51137210 - before you say this is ‘abject nonsense’.

I am also genuinely curious about the point you are trying to make. Are you saying cocaine is less harmful than alcohol?