AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

You got to love the substance use and misogyny normalising on this thread.

he refuses to come to anything she isn’t invited to, including his own cousins wedding!!

I think that’s quite normal and healthy in romantic relationships?

Yes, it’s all fine because his family is naice and well spoken and middle class.

So you'd lose him to cocaine addiction for the risk of being impolite?
I'd be having strong words. If he hates you the choice is he'll die.
Don't lose an obviously clever man by being worried you won't see him. Because if this girl is a puppet master you won't anyway.
Big girl pants, where is your husband in all this?

I don’t know? They had only been together for 6 months at the time of the wedding, she hadn’t met either the groom or the bride, she had only met DH and I once.
I don’t think it’s normal for couples to be attached at the hip.

My husband and DS do not get on at all, DS has him blocked on his phone.
2 years ago there was a fairly big family fight where harsh words were said on both sides.
They will see each other and be polite for family meals, events etc. but generally DS can’t stand DH and DH can’t stand DS.

No, you’re not understanding the word “harm”.

One way of describing addiction is taking/using something to the point where it could be harmful to you. Alcohol is not necessarily harmful each time you take it, but cocaine absolutely is. On that basis, OP’s son is a cocaine addict.

You say that cocaine is harmful each time you take it, therefore someone who has ever taken cocaine, even once, is an addict.

That’s the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever read.

So I'm going to bow out now. I'm an ex addict and you are not taking this seriously. Good luck.

I genuinely don’t know what to say. Of course I can say stop doing that, but he won’t bloody listen, and I think pushing him away from the family is unhelpful. I don’t think leaving him isolated will help long term.
I also obviously can’t and don’t know the extent of the situation. It may be infrequent, it may be more, I don’t see him all that often!

Im open to ways to tackle this that doesn’t push him away.

I think if DD doesnt want you to talk to your son you shouldn't but I do think you need to go through a few options with her.
For example
she could have found a registered taxi company that tracks the taxi, or she could have called you or a friend whilst in the taxi. Most genuine licened and registered taxis have cameras all over the only dodgy ones are ones that you hail off the street that might not be licensed taxis.

She could have found a hotel although most likely walking to a hotel is probably less safe

She could have called you for advice

It seems odd that she chose to stay in a room with a man she had told her brother she felt uncomfortable with than he get into a licensed cab. In terms of probability she was more likely to be assaulted whilst with a man who had been hitting on her than in a licensed taxi.

This is likely to not be the last time someone she trusts will disregard her feelings she needs some ways to empower herself and more confidence to get herself out of these situations. Also perhaps reiterate that she can call you any time if she's uncomfortable.

I do understand the word harm. Cocaine is extremely harmful because it can kill its users whenever they use it - even the first time they use it. Alcohol is less harmful than cocaine because the risk from dying from one or two uses of it are extremely rare.

That is the main reason why cocaine is illegal and alcohol is not. And yes, someone who takes cocaine once is a cocaine addict.

And OP’s son definitely is, because he has taken it several times and seems to need it to fanciful.

Your son sounds a complete knob

Okay, that is a different story then, if they’d only been together for 6 months at the time of his cousin’s wedding and she’d never met the cousin but still wanted to go to it. I guess she has really fallen for your son!

Sorry, my last line should say: ‘he seems to need it (cocaine) to function’.

This is not a description of addiction. Not in the least. Look it up, you can’t just make it up to suit your narrative. Addiction is the use of a substance to the point where you cannot do without it and will seek it out no matter what the consequences to your life or those around you. If you can take it or leave it you are not an addict- even if you can’t there is still a distinct difference between someone who is dependent and someone who is an addict. It’s the cumulative effect of alcohol and other substances which is harmful and likely to lead to addiction.

I don’t think I would speak to DS unless it comes up naturally in conversion. He might mature out of his selfishness or find a different girlfriend which can change the dynamic of everything. The drugs are a worry.

I think DD will have learned a useful lesson last night, about her brother’s character, how situations can unravel, and how vulnerable you can be when drunk.

They are adults so all you can do is love them and be open to talking about what they choose to share with you.

It’s the NHS description, so you disagree, tell the NHS.

Oh so naive.

Cocaine is very rife within law and finance.

Alcohol is less harmful than cocaine

You can’t be serious! Do you know how many people die from alcohol every year, compared to those who die from cocaine?

That is the main reason why cocaine is illegal and alcohol is not

No - the main reason that alcohol is legal is because it is so deeply embedded in our culture. If it were to be discovered tomorrow, it would not be legalised.

And yes, someone who takes cocaine once is a cocaine addict.

This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever read on Mumsnet. It’s always those with the least understanding about something, who have such big and loud opinions on it.

Someone who takes cocaine once is NOT an addict. That isn’t an opinion; that is a fact.

@Sooveritall seems to agree with me, and they bravely mentioned they’re an ex-addict.

The main reason why fewer people die from cocaine than from alcohol use is because alcohol is legal and much cheaper than cocaine. Cocaine’s high price (even when it’s cut with awful substances) is a deterrent.

@Resini I dont think theres any point in getting involved. Especially when dd has told you not to. People like your ds and gf dont really care about other peoples feelings and no amount of correcting them will make them care. They will just make you feel more frustrated by saying you are being ridiculous.
So just leave it. Now your dd can draw proper boundaries in terms of her brother. He was being a dickhead. No friend, brother, cousin whatever should ignore or poopoo someone feeling vulnerable in the presence of another person.

I was just going to post exactly this 👆🏻
why have you reposted this
its exactly the thread - word for word

I wouldn’t care about or mention the coke.

But I think I would bring up making his sister share a room with a guy that was cracking onto her. Or any guy for that matter.

That said, she is old enough to either get a cab home or a cab to her empty brother’s flat on her own if she wasn’t comfortable. She has to be responsible for her own safety if she wants to go out drinking with the grown ups. She’s not a child.

I do disagree because what you posted is not the NHS description - it’s your interpretation of it and it’s wrong. This is the NHS description:

An addict is an individual who exhibits a chronic, compulsive need to use a substance or engage in a behavior, even when it causes significant physical, mental, or social harm. It is widely recognized by health authorities as a treatable medical condition, not a personal failure. It involves an inability to stop taking a substance or performing an activity despite a genuine desire to quit and addictive behaviour continues despite despite severe negative impacts on health, finances, career, or personal relationships. The habit-forming substance or activity becomes the central priority, causing a person to neglect previously important aspects of their life, and repeated compulsive use structurally alters brain circuits related to reward, stress and self control. There is a distinct difference between an addict and someone who is dependent - dependency is where the substance is tolerated, leading to withdrawal symptoms on discontinuation or reduction.

OP hasn’t indicated that any of this is the case with her DS. The plain fact is that alcohol/substance abuse doesn’t always lead to addiction, and casual recreational use and addiction are not the same thing.

Where has OP says he needs it to function. She hasn’t. You made that up to suit the nonsense you’re posting here.