AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

Because she’s asked you not to say anything you will have to respect that. I’d be very annoyed with my son though (I don’t care that she’s 21, he should have been more protective in my view). But I’d have to bite my tongue, as hard as it is.

As far coke is concerned I’d go ballistic as my kids know what I think about being part of the drug ‘chain’.

A 28 year old man with way more life experience and used to socialising with drug takers should have his mummy worrying about him but the daughter should just shrug off her experience because at 21, she should be exposed to this type thing?

No woman should have to be exposed to that situation, no woman should have to just shrug off a man repeatedly trying to get sexual attention from her and being so scared she stays awake all night in case he sexually abuses her in her sleep.

I’d never dismiss someone as being silly for feeling unsafe and I’d never choose to leave anyone I care about to sleep in the same room as man they’ve told me makes them feel unsafe, I can’t imagine ever doing that to anyone, never mind my sister.

I think your son is your priority here, not his girlfriend. And what you think of his girlfriend is neither here nor there, really. She’s his girlfriend after all.

Using cocaine is being a druggie !

No there isn’t.

I think @Resini means he’s not a druggie, even though he uses cocaine, because he’s a solicitor and he comes from a naice middle-class family. Drug addicts can and do come from naice middle-class families, OP.

its exactly the same thread with the irrelevant details changed. But exact same

Not everyone who uses drugs in an addict in the same way that not everyone who drinks alcohol is an alcoholic.

I remember the identical post! Is it the same OP?

I disagree. One way of describing addiction is taking/using something to the point where it could be harmful to you. Alcohol is not necessarily harmful each time you take it, but cocaine absolutely is. On that basis, OP’s son is a cocaine addict.

Leave to go where after the last train??

As I have said, I haven’t posted before so I’m not sure what previous post you are referring to. Someone shared a similar post but ultimately as with anything, it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever be the only person to have faced a certain situation.

But he is.

She did look after herself. She didn't get drunk, didn't take drugs, didnt sleep with a stranger and stayed awake to ensure her safety - because her drunk, stoned brother and his gf refused to give her a different rooms to sleep in. Sounds pretty savvy to me.

He took an illegal drug of the worst kind, and not for the first time. I'd say that makes him a druggie!

The worst kind is heroin, spice or ketamine.

So I have a 27 year old son and a 22 year old daughter. No way would he expect her to accept a risk from a male friend. Your son is being an idiot. Cut the coke and yes I would say something. It's not 'nornal' it's an illegal drug. A solicitor with a conviction loses his ability to practice. Even a caution ( my family are judges, lawyers and I'm a law grad) He needs to be grateful for his profession and grow up. My dh would have our son's arse on a plate. Stop minimizing . It's illegal and 27% of women are sexually assaulted.

One way of describing addiction…

You can’t just invent your own definition of addiction. That’s not what addiction means and that is certainly not what addiction looks like.

Are you defending cocaine? 😂

Given their ages I’d tell DD to say it herself if she feels that strongly. If she’s not comfortable around drugs then hopefully her brother is now aware to be more discreet or at least warn her that’s where the evening is going. Next time she will have the foresight to make her own way home.

He wasn’t out his comfort zone & probably didn’t think she was in danger of any kind.

She knows you disapprove already, you can support her without overtly criticising her brother (just quietly seeth at his stupidity and selfishness, classic coke use side effects). Next time bin the girlfriend - he can meet up with her after the family time

Why are they worse than cocaine?

Gosh how I wish we could see DS without his girlfriend!
I’m not sure whether she is controlling him or the other way around but he refuses to come to anything she isn’t invited to, including his own cousins wedding!!

Just so you know OP prolonged cocaine use can cause cancer. My best friend's sister died at 51. Naice, wealthy family. Stage four,v nowt they could do. Left two sons, all ready hooked.

It’s the NHS definition, @Vivi0

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/addiction-what-is-it/

Ok, after so many comments saying this is exactly the same as an old post, I followed the link someone posted. A couple of similarities but obviously not the same scenario. It's like saying every post where a woman catches her DH cheating with a work colleague is exactly the same - and those threads appear on an almost daily basis.