AIBU to tell my son he made his sister feel unsafe and uncomfortable?

[Resini]

Hi all, last night for our anniversary DS and DD along with DS’s girlfriend took us out for dinner and to see a show. Afterwards DS and his girlfriend suggested we go for some more drinks, they are both members of a private members club and could take guests so suggested we go there.
DH and I don’t go out late very often and don’t enjoy drinking very much so we didn’t stay too long but DD did.
DD is only 21, she is quite young for her age, has only lived at home, where as DS is 28 and his girlfriend 25. Obviously DD can handle herself and doesn’t need her big brother looking after her but it wasn’t her normal environment either.
Today DD has told us, that both DS and his girlfriend got very drunk and both used cocaine. Now of course I’m not naive they are young adults (albeit professionals DS is a solicitor and his girlfriend works in policy research!) and I know these sort of things happen in professional circles in London.
DD ended up going back to DS’s girlfriends flat to stay the night as it got late, she missed the last train (we are out in Surrey) and didn’t want to try get a cab that far. DD told me she felt really uncomfortable as they also invited one of their friends back to stay at there’s and this friend has been flirting with DD all night, she felt he wasn’t listening to her saying she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be stuck in the same flat. She says she told DS this and he told her she was being silly and that the friend is “docile”.
DD ended up not sleeping at all, she said she felt on edge the whole time and left very early.
She has asked me not to say anything to DS as it will make her look pathetic, but I’m really disappointed in him, both in the getting so drunk he had to “have a tactical vomit” on the side of the street, using cocaine and not taking into account his sisters safety or comfort.

AIBU to think I should send him a message explaining that he made his sister very uncomfortable and owes her an apology?
I don’t want to be overbearing but I also think the behaviour last night was out of order.

She asked to go to his flat, which was doable. He refused and told her the friend was ‘docile.

She asked if they could go to his flat & presumably he didn't want to leave his gf & Op's daughter didn't want to go alone?

I’m not saying DD is flawless.
She and DS are very different, DS decided to board for sixth form, moved away for uni, did a year abroad etc.
DD is much more a home girl.

Why did he decide go to boarding school?

Hi school was mixed day and boarding, he was a day student until 16, but in sixth form he wanted to be with his friends.

I'd encourage DD to send the message to her brother. Perhaps the message would be better coming from her. You can help her construct it but it doesn't have to mention you at all, and probably shouldn't.

You could then see how (if) DS responds to it and then decide whether to become involved or not, though I would guess that there might be no need.

Honestly, while cocaine use among young professionals is depressingly rife and largely normalised, I think an indicator that this has strayed into being an actual problem is exactly as someone said previously - it wasn’t a night with mates, it started as dinner with his parents, and continued with his sister. That’s not the ‘typical’ situation where they’d be snorting cocaine, so the fact it still happened does suggest he’s got or is well on his way to having an addiction.

I know that’s not what you seem to want to hear but it’s the reality. And yes, I would be giving him both barrels if he was mine. If that’s how his nights end up, that’s none of your business - but he absolutely should have said no to his younger sister tagging along, clearly not knowing what she was getting herself tagged into. That’s where it’s crossed into being your business in my opinion.

Yes he is. Smartypants professionals doing coke are as pathetic as street spice addicts, and it doesn't take a lot to go from one to another.

That’s exactly what I thought, I had to check the date to see if it was an old post!

Yes, I have a DS26 and if he was doing coke and in that kind of profession I would be asking him how much he wishes to remain in that profession.

I remember that one now, too! 😂

I wouldn't be comfortable with that and I'm a 37 year old woman who left home when I was 19.

People who use cocaine are selfish wankers. Don't give a shit if they're professionals or on the dole. We know enough about it to know the human misery it causes.

I've not read every post so apologies if this is a repeat. I think your DD is old enough to have that conversation with her brother without a parent getting involved. In fact it might do her good to take that responsibility if she wants to say something to him.

Your DS's involvement in heavy drinking and cocaine while working in professional capacity is dangerous. You don't need to sit inthe park and drink white lightning all day to be an alcoholic, however going out and getting blind drunk might be a sign he's going that way. It is in the inability to stop or say no to a drink that is key. You can be an addict or misuse alcohol and only drink in certain circumstances and infrequently. The cocaine at the same time is problematic and yes it's the culture especially in professional circles but that doesn't mean he is addiction proof or that he can't misuse it to the point he gets into a serious situation, or that his company will be forgiving if he is ever caught.

I don't think you need worry about your DD, she looked out for herself, and probably learned something about what to do if it happens again. DD is sensible, spotted potential probelms and mitigated them within her personal experience.

Your son on the other hand is in need of help before his problems get worse.

What is not being said here is he allowed her to get drunk, and hence allowed her to get into a position where she could not consent. If the intent was to have sex then he should have stopped her from drinking/ taking cocaine before she could not consent.

The best reply 👌🏼 You nailed it x

I’m 52 and have never seen anyone taking cocaine (apart from on the TV). I have never smoked cigarettes but I have drunk wine before at a wedding and the odd night out!
Why would you want to put that muck in your body is something I don’t understand. I think your daughter was put in a really uncomfortable position and your son should know better.

Your daughter felt uncomfortable when her brother and his girlfriend were using drugs and drunk. It was at that point, she needed to have left to catch the last train home, get a cab or go to a hotel for the night. Why didn't she leave? Was it a part of the city that she didn't know, and she was too nervous to go by herself? Once you add in the fact her brother's friend had been flirting with her and she'd told him she wasn't interested...again why didn't she leave?

Your daughter is an adult, and at 21 she needs to have the confidence and know-how to get herself to safety. One thing is very clear in all this, your daughter can't rely on her brother. He was drunk, had taken drugs and had zero concept of the fact his sister was expected to share the living room with his friend, who she didn't know and might feel uncomfortable.

It's your daughter who needs a conversation with her brother, not you. I appreciate you want to help her, but you can't fight her battles. Talk to your daughter, ask her why she didn't leave when her brother started taking drugs and was drunk? Talk to her about what she could have done to get herself out of the situation. Ultimately, she has to take some responsibility, her brother didn't make her miss the last train home or force her to stay at his. She could have left at any point. You need to find out why she didn't.

You’re right to feel the way you do but would be wrong to interfere. Your DS and DD are adults and she has asked you not to interfere. If she refuses go go out with them again he'll get the message.

But I’m sure I recognise this scenario…

Why are you minimising your son's use of a Class A drug, with all that tosh about him being a city professional?

Does he know the misery that is caused by the drug supply trade - vulnerable people being trafficked?

He is bang out of order to be using it at all, let alone where it puts his sister in an awkward position.

Telling someone to fuck off if they "try something on" doesn't really work for rapists, not saying this guy was one but the brother doesn't know this and didn't listen to his sister voicing her worries.

So to be clear from your update:

• did your son actually invite his sister to sleep over or did she just decide to?
• once the decision was made, did she check with him that he was staying at his flat that night/had a bed for her and was happy for her to stay?

It does make a fairly large difference if he wasn't expecting to put her up. It doesn't at all excuse your son's drug taking or only offering her the same room as the creepy friend - but at the same time your daughter shouldn't have made arrangements that rely on him without checking first

Absolutely this, I said at the start of the thread, she needs to think about how she was going to get home, the minute you feel uncomfortable or unsafe you get out of there. Sleeping all night while staying awake isnt going to protect anyone if this person wasnt going to be 'docile'

Im amazed that people cant seem to risk assess accurately by saying it would be unsafe for her to get a cab home, in preference to staying out with people you dont know it certainly is safer to get a cab.

Others have suggested a hotel which is another option.

She could have got one of the night buses as far out as she could to Croydon say, and then got a cab from there even if she didnt want to go too far in the cab.

It’s funny how you’re so disappointed on the one hand because of how his behaviour impacted his sister, but happy to minimise his behaviour in other ways. ‘I understand Cocaine is used in precessional circles’ yes, sure. It’s also used by pimps and crack heads.
‘I wouldn’t call him a druggie’ why not? When hes a drug user?

Your daughter is a grown adult and doesn’t need to make this awkward for her. So no, don’t text him. But your son is a bit disgusting, vomiting (intentionally?!?!?) in the street? That’s extremely anti social. He’s not the good egg you think he is, he’s just as bad as other ‘druggies’, even if you think he doesn’t deserve the label for some reason.

He actually put her in serious danger so if she doesn’t want to read him the riot act I would. I’d sell him he clearly doesn’t respect women and doesn’t understand how unsafe it was for her, that he’s a fucking moron and that it isn’t random faceless men who rape people, it’s men we know. That women have instincts for a fucking reason and that he should reconsider his friendship with creepy weirdos.

Oh I get that, but at 21 it would have been a risk I would have taken after a night out (and probably did on many occasions) My point is that it’s ok for a 21 not to accept that (and quite rightly)

Is that when the coke started?.