Bf stayed night at mine whilst I was away.

[Hereforadviceee]

I don’t know if I am overthinking this but this feels off. I’ve been with my bf for a year but we actually broke up a couple of months ago so we’ve been seeing each other more casually. He lives literally a minute from mine a couple roads over. I took my little ones away to go camping and had an order of plants from a month ago be delivered that evening ( the delivery was an estimate and they send roots for example that could dry out) with the heat at the moment, I was worried they may all dry out before we got home and asked my bf as he has a spare key for incase I loose mine etc, if on the way home and it wasn’t too much trouble, could he just place the parcel inside the door as they left it on my driveway. He said sure no problem.

He joke about staying over and watching my streaming services and I thought he was joking and he said he might as well get something out of it for coming over and I still thought he was joking. On my ring door bell I get notifications I saw his car go and thought he stayed an hour then left. Then this morning I can see his car is on my driveway and he stayed the night!?

he told me he watched marvel films all night and got a takeaway/ an now I’m picturing the home being a bit of a mess when I made it nice to come back to. It may be clean but I’m just picturing him slobbing out at mine with takeaway stuff left in the kitchen as this is what he’s like and I just feel off. He lives walking distance from our home. But lives in shared accommodation.

Am I being ridiculous?

Have you told him to leave before you get there. Most of this is lack of communication and presumption between you.

Being there when you're there, too, no I can understand that.
I don't really get the problem with him staying overnight when you weren't there to watch your TV and after having done you a favour.

So tell him to leave, that you don't want him there when you get home and to clear up any mess he's made. I do think he was cheeky, and sounds like a bit sneaky too. I'd take your key back.

Send him a message “did you stay at mine last night? I didn’t agree to that” I’ll be back at 12 can you make sure the house is as you left it and post the key - thanks”

Then review your relationship.

He drove two streets??

From his angle. He told you his plans. You joked it was cock lodger. He took that as a joke and assumed you were fine with it.

😄

Its creepy and he's a piss taker.

Just get your key back or better still change the locks.

Yeah he’s massively overstepped boundaries. You’re no longer even a proper couple, taking a parcel in for someone doesn’t equal sticking around in their house all night to watch their Disney+ and order a takeout. Get your key back.

Change your locks and check for cameras!
That’s totally off and if he’s that entitled to your space now, where will it end?
I guarantee he’s snooped through all of your personal and private things.

It’s wrong of him to do it, but you seem completely unable or unwilling to speak up about what you want or don’t want. Perhaps you are blurring the boundaries?

If this was me, when he joked about watching my streaming services I would have said straight back “please don’t do that, I don’t want you staying in the flat while I’m away”

When I saw his car still there an hour after he came to do a 2-minute job (moving the delivery in) I would have asked “I can see you are still there, is everything ok?” Then asked him to leave.

This morning, believing him to have stayed over, I would have contacted him and made it clear he should not have stayed over, that he needs to clean up and leave before I get back.

You seem to be annoyed with him but not willing to express this to him.

Your title says he is your boyfriend.
He has your key.
You asked him for help which including going to your house.
He told you his plans on watching TV.
You did not say anything against it.

What is the problem him staying over? Assuming he won’t leave a mess of course.

If you have boundaries, which it doesn’t seem like you have. you need to express them outside of your own head.

He shouldn't have a spare key - he's your boyfriend of a year - with the last few months being casual and you have kids. Can't you give it to family member or friends, or whoever had it before you met him?

I understand your feelings, OP.

And for people saying “Well he has a key”…. My neighbours have a key and so does my cleaner. I dont expect them to have movie nights at my house when I’m away. And it’s your children’s home.

He sounds immature. How old is he and why is he still in shared accommodation?

Personally, I’d take the key back and leave it with a nice neighbour (you can water each others’ plants when youre away).

He is not OP’s cleaner or neighbour though, he is her boyfriend.

This is because it sounds like neither of you have properly drawn boundaries - 'causally seeing each other' - what does that mean? As friends? Or a casual boyfriend? I don't call my friendships 'casually seeing people' - it implies dating. and if you are dating then you haven't broken up, have you? I think it's always better when there IS a break up to draw an immediate line - there might be opportunity for friendship later - or more if you both want - but not straight after a break up, a break up literally means that you break previous arrangements. So you ask for the key back, you don't ask for favours and you give each other some space. I think you are both daft here - you let him keep your key and asked for help, he seemed to think that it gave him free rein - as your 'casual boyfriend' to stay the night. He even said that was his plan - twice, whether it was done jokily or not. Many a true word spoken in jest and all that.

The difference between is that with neighbours or cleaners there are clear, if unspoken, boundaries and expectations. Giving your boyfriend the key to your home, when you are in an intimate relationship implies other things. He doesn't need to have a key, even for emergencies, I'm sure OP had arrangements in place before she met him. Yet she choose to upgrade his status by giving him one, probably to placate him or make him feel important/loved.

Have you messaged him telling him to clean up and get out?

My point (and reading it back i didnt articulate it very well) is I’d ask these people to do me a small favour like take in a parcel and they wouldnt expect any recompense.

Her “boyfriend” sounds very entitled if he thinks he needs to “get something” out of every interaction. I’d hope a boyfriend might even do some kind things just because he cared.

He sounds as if he is out for what he can get/on the make - and that’s very unattractive.

Hiya so got back. I tried to
call him and he didn’t answer came in to him waking up on sofa and him going wow your back early and I said I didn’t know you were staying over. He said he didn’t mean to he fell asleep. Turns out he took in the parcel. He drives past mine on way back home from work that’s why I didn’t see it as a massive favour to be honest. He stayed for about two hours, drove to get a takeaway so he could save on delivery money, but the takeaway he chose was just across from where he lives and I said why didn’t you go home at that point and he said he wanted to watch another movie. So came back with food and yes it was a mess and the room just stink, he taken all the bedding from upstairs I’d just put on and made himself comfy on sofa he did put it back upstairs before he left to be fair. But I said it wasn’t on and he hadn’t told me he was going to actually stay the night and need to ask and confirm that.

I guess it feels like a pisstake as the issues we had previously were based on how frugal he is and I think being a single mum trying to support two kids without much support when he acts frugal it grates me. For example he he stays when I don’t have the kids on a weekend and we go out he will want me to drive everytime so he doesn’t have to use his own fuel. He only wants to take me out where he works most the time as he can get free tickets so if I suggest anything else it has to be my car because it was my idea. He makes more than me and if he stays I end up buying the food shop but he will take a few things out the shopping to buy to look like he’s chipping in. I’m frustrated I can never have the luxury to go to his as he’s in shared accommodation as he wants to save as much of his income as possible which makes sense but the relationship felt very one sided. I’ve wanted to cool things the past few months also for my kids sake. As it’s 3 years since the family split and I realised it was too much with the pace of the relationship. My child locked him in the garden as clearly didn’t want him here and that was her way of saying that.

I just don’t think this is right for me or my kids and think I’m very sensitive to people taking liberties. It may sound over the top to some and not a big deal he stayed but it’s been a fragile situation we were supposed to be dating again and I feel he’s slipped right back in. I’m going to ask for the key back and have said no to meeting up tomorrow.

Why did you let him in?

He said he would stay and watch a film not the night and I said that’s a bit cock lodger of you

Seriously, put MN down and start thinking for yourself.

You haven't been clear and he's using that to his advantage. From what you said, he could have thought it was ok for him to stay in your place.

You're with your kids and they don't want him there, they want time with you. Change your locks, he really likes your place. I wouldn't like this one bit. He feels entitled to the use of your home and I would break up over this whether he's left a mess or not.

I missed your update. He's a cheap ass bf living in shared housing. Girl, he wants into your place. He left your place a smelly mess. I'd be furious. Plus, your kid doesn't want him there. Locked him in the garden, 🙃

Dump.

LTB AND TELL HIM WHY

BROKE BUM 🤢🤢🤢🤢

I didn’t let him in. He had a spare key. I dont have anyone else close by but now I’m going to just get a key safe as that’s surely the best way forward.

I’ve made some bad decisions clearly and not been as straight forward as I should have been.