Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

People make mistakes and arguably people with adhd make more mistakes than some. But. I’m exhausted with an adhd daughter and partner and when you said the stuff in your op about how you just do things like that and have adhd - and seem to think he doesn’t get to have feelings about your mistakes because you have adhd - i was a bit irritated on his behalf. You didn’t mean to upset him, but you did, and the upset doesnt just go away because adhd. I’m so tired of arrangements going wrong and things being lost and broken and wveryone looking to me like “fix it or deal with it, I have adhd”. When mistakes get made I can understand and I can help but I still have feelings and I can’t help that. Maybe he feels the same

one of the things I am really sick of is inconsequential things suddenly being barked out like important urgent announcements. Seriously just think whether everyone needs to jump to attention to your thing, the confusion with his mum was what made this one awful but it’s maddening to constantly be bombarded with things that just don’t matter as if a hurricane is coming and we all have to leap up and batten down the hatches

Is the grace that you want other people to show towards those with ADHD a one-way thing, or should people with ADHD also be aware of the impact that can be caused by them saying whatever it is that's just come in to their brain?

@colachive

Maybe the op’s dh should take your advice and ditch the ‘bellend’ he married?

Try having ADHD for 1 day, then maybe you’ll be less sanctimonious about an honest (and minor) mistake

When DH's dad died I phoned my sister and literally said "Name is dead". She knew who I meant. When I called my work to take time off I referred to him as my FIL.

Cultural icons get full named.

FFS how nasty his mother is seriously ill your lack of empathy is astounding for someone in his position and the shock he must have got.

Got it. OP should be given a free pass for her mistakes, OP's DH should be hung out to dry for his.

This x10000

Honestly, I can imagine that kind of behaviour becoming very wearing when you're married to it. Sounds like you definitely need to try harder to be more careful.

I have ADHD and I don't have this issue.

Do those of us who had to leave a relationship because of the impact of someone's ADHD are allowed to comment?

Good for you I guess?????

So the DH was led to believe that his mother, whose name is Judith and is in ICU, has died and is an arsehole for being upset, and the “poor OP” is apparently a victim because “ADHD” means she’s absolved of responsibility just like everyone who is apparently neurodivergent on here is.

Having ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t also be an arsehole. In fact I suspect a lot of abusive partners use their condition to excuse away their behaviour. Just look at the relationships board for that.

If this thread was the other way around and an OP posted “my mum is currently in ICU after having been in and out of hospital for months, her name is Judith. Yesterday my DH was on the phone to his brother and he suddenly said “OMG Judith is dead.” And although he apologised I was really upset. He’s got ADHD and while I understand the reality is that he constantly opens his mouth without any consideration as to whose feelings he hurts because of what he says.”

he would be the one being ripped apart on here. The words “ADHD is no excuse for being a dick” would have entered the first ten posts.

But because he’s a man he’s obviously in the wrong, even though it’s his mother who is dying, the OP knows this, and referred to her namesake (IMO deliberately) to provoke a reaction.

If this was a woman I would bet money people would say this wasn’t the first time and she should LTB.

Yup

Its almost as if ADHD affects people differently.

I wouldn't know who Judith would be if you didnt say her surname

Given that his ill mother has the same name as the presenter, you REALLY should have been very, very careful. You don't just blurt out "JUDITH''S DEAD!" because you have ADHD. And what's with the first name basis? My entire family would sit down together to watch Wish You Were Here every week, but my sister wouldn't have a clue who I meant if I called her and yelled "Judith's dead!" It's not like "Cher" or "Madonna".

Breathtakingly insensitive and just horrible. You scared him witless. I can't believe some people are defending you and painting him as the baddie.

I will ask for this to be taken down I feel awful for upsetting dh. I know adhd is not an excuse I was trying to include everything relevant for context. Anyway I’ll step away now I’m going to apologise to dh again and try to sort things out and hope that medication might help me for the future.

I didn't ask for grace from anyone.

It has nothing to do with having more awareness of the impact, Awareness of the impact just makes it all the more exhausting to self monitor and frustrating to get it wrong and carry those recriminations, which never leave. I wake on many days mortified by recollection of things I said decades ago.

That is the reality of ADHD.

As I said, try living one day with my reality of monitoring every syllable that leaves my mouth and you'd understand what that means.

I believe the OP posted as a kind of confessional to relieve herself of the burden of what she has done. She chose the wrong outlet.

Living with someone with adhd is exhausting and I’ve been upset so many times and had to grin and bear it

but I always remind my daughter that adhd May be the reason for her behaviour but it doesn’t excuse it

He thought his mum had died and you think that's a minor mistake?

Are you on some kind of wind up?

And this is the problem. People who have ADHD will now be judged according to the OP’s nasty behaviour which we are all expected to excuse away because she has ADHD.

It’s not an excuse, you don’t get to hurt who you want because you have a condition. Does that count for violence as well? Nope didn’t think so.

The reason why so many people with disabilities get a hard time is because there are a minority who use those disabilities as an excuse to behave however they want and everyone is expected to understand and not be upset by it.

Plenty of people with ADHD don’t behave like arseholes with no consideration for anyone but themselves.

Plenty of arseholes with no consideration for anyone but themselves have ADHD though, the two things are not mutually exclusive.

Id be really pissed of its just the lack of consideration and if you do stuff like this all the time it would just feel like you did it on purpose

The problem isn't so much that OP has ADHD or even that she said what she did, but the fact she expects her DH to just suck it up and get over it.

This is the problem with the current 'over popularity' (for want of a better phrase) of neurodiversity. OP words may be as a result if a condition she can not help having, but the resulting hurt felt by her DH is nonetheless real, and his mental health and feelings matter just as much even if he is neurotypical.

You owe him an apology. You were incredibly insensitive. You can't blame your adhd for that