Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

No, hence why I started it with ‘this post is so ablist’

I think of you are living with someone who is unable to stop themselves from saying things then it’s quite a sensible decision to remove yourself from the situation when you are upset.

So it’s ableist, to not accept being spoken to with impunity, to not accept your partner having total disregard for you and your feelings?
I would have thought it’s a helluvah more ableist to suggest if you are ND you have absolutely no control over your speech and interactions and everyone has to accept this.

Again, you've just made this up in your head.

I expect the OPs DH is on a knife edge about his mum and whether she is going to pull through.

I expect that has made him snap and nobody should blame him for that, the OP has failed to control her too fast brain.

I hope that he will regain his equilibrium and remember that he loves the OP because people like her can be great fun to be around with their love of new experiences and spontaneity. The good can balance the downside in an equal relationship.

If not, then they are and unmatched pair and this will split them up, which, if so, would probably be for the best for them both.

Goodness, if you’re so determined to misquote me I will have to leave you to it. I’ve never said that people should have no recourse for their actions or their words. My concern is the blatant misinformation being bandied around about ADHD - which suddenly a lot of people are experts about and can definitively say that certain behaviours are/are not ADHD related. It’s wild that the OP has been accused of doing it deliberately, it’s been suggested that she’s abusive and some people have created their own versions in their heads of how the OP’s relationship is with her partner solely based on a snapshot of a few bits of information.

What does accepting someone as they are even mean? If you arrive at that point, the relationship is over. Either you like and love the other person and wish to be with them or you find them off-putting, if the latter..... well

I love my audhd dh, he is unique and he is for me, I can't imagine being with anyone else. But I am paying a high price for his funny ways as the dysfunctional aspect of his behaviour drags me and the whole family down, it messes with my own cognition and it isn't something I would have chosen had I know what this would be like. But I am not accepting him as is, I simply love him and that's that.

It's really funny, when I briefly speak to my dh in the exact way he speaks to me and ask, would this annoy you, he's like hell yes that would annoy me so much 😂and I have to experience every day.

It's all about the connection at the end of the day. Does OP love her dh and she is crazy about him? If yes she has some amends to make, it sure as anything isn't easy living with someone who has social and communication problems. Because, the affect their loved ones deeply.

I'd never just accept someone for who they are, sounds off putting, if I don't like them, they're not for me and I don't waste my time.

Sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg. I don’t think he overreacted in the moment, but the comments he has made show he’s not happy with other things too.

Sounds like DH has already made his choice to LTB, at least temporarily …

“Families have their own short-hands and slang. Sisters have known each other their whole lives. The fact that you wouldn't know doesn't mean the sister wouldn't know“

Absolutely - but in this case, as the OP makes clear, the sister did not associate ‘Judith’ with Judith Chalmers but with Judith the MIL

So let me get this straight, he was listening in to a one sided conversation, a conversation you were having with your sister and only heard a very small portion of it. Hes then blamed you for miscommunicating something to him...? You havnt done anything wrong at all. You werent even talking to him. He has massively overreacted.

No, they were in the same room.. op shrieks… “Judith’s died!”

I can see why he was initially upset but you didn’t mean it, you corrected it immediately & he has massively over reacted to this in my opinion.

Doesnt matter if he was in the same room or not, unless the phone was on loud speaker or it was somehow a 3 way conversation (which if it was, he woukd know they werent talking about his mother), then he was listening in and only getting a piece of the conversation. Hes overreacted. It could all have been straightened out over a few simple sentences and an apology.

If it makes you feel any better, when I was a teenager, my mum came into my room desperately upset, woke me up in tears to tell me Diana had died. She meant Princess Diana….. however my best friend was called Diana, so obviously I thought it was her. It was only until I asked how (and the crash details came out) that I connected the dots as I knew my bestie wasn’t in France. In the moments before the realisation I was very shocked and upset. Mum obviously omitted the “princess” part of her name. It’s easily done.

Try not to beat yourself up. Your husband will settle down and process his shock and rollercoaster of emotions that were triggered in that split second moment of misunderstanding, and hopefully you can both have a calm, kind chat and repair once the heat has died down xx

To quote the OP, she said, in the middle on a conversation to her own sister

‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘

Why on earth would her husband think that she had just seen on her phone that his mother had died? Is he even one of the small proportion of men who call their own mother, or discuss her with others, using her first name? If I said "Mary's dead, I've just seen it on my phone" to someone on my phone my DH would not associate that name with his mother, he called her Mum and everyone talking to him about her called her "your mum". That's normal I think.

He shouldn't have been listening to your conversation. And should know better than to react to something like that.

He's on an edge - of course it's obvious it wouldn't be his mum you'd be talking about because if it was her somebody from the hospital or another relative would have phoned him.

So it's about something bigger - sometimes thinking before you speak is important, but you could agree to take phone calls in separate spaces so he can't hear you so you have freedom to talk as you wish.

Because he's extremely worried about his mum and wasn't thinking rationally. He heard his wife say 'Judith's dead' and thought she was talking about his mum. He had a moment of panic. In addition he's probably used to the OP just blurting things out without thinking.
And if she doesn't want others listening to her conversation then she could go into a different room. It's impossible to not listen if a person is talking in the same room.

If this wasn't so serious it sounds like something out of Withnail and l .

You know where they accidentally went on holiday by mistake.

Anyway it didn't seem to bother your MIL too much and she understands.
She seems like a good ,forgiving type.

Lucky for you.

Am I the only one who really did laugh out loud. Sorry OP

OP I think what this comes down to is that your OH is going through a very difficult time and likely feels very vulnerable. It doesn't sound like you meant any harm but even if he acknowledges that the consequences are still there. There can be the rational part that understands the reasons why another person can behave as they do but there is also the part that wants to avoid hurt whether it's intentional or not.

He isn't unreasonable to want some space and to stick to people who are less likely to to hurt him during this difficult time with his mum.

hmmm…a little strange you referred to her as Judith. Something doesn’t add up here tbh.

As I’ve already said, I don’t believe this happened. If it by tiny chance did, it was a deliberate attempt to create drama.