Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

I completely agree.

In the DH's shoes, I'd find it very hard to keep my attraction to OP if this sort of thing is a feature of their relationship, which it appears that it is.

I think it's utterly ridiculous that OP said what she said. ADHD does not render you incapable of controlling what comes out of your mouth.

This is such an ableist thread. Basically, the gist is, stop feeling comfortable in displaying your ADHD traits as society hates that and ensure that you mask as heavily as possible at all times as that makes neurotypical people feel happier.
so if this means then they are rude, controlling, generally horrible, it’s “not being kind” to mention this or not accept it?

It may well be her choice to leave.

Leaving the family home for space can be a nuclear option, not just for the person leaving but for the one who has been left. I disagree that it's the mature option.

Am I sure? No, none of us are sure, we weren’t there and are giving our opinions based on how we are each picturing a situation described by OP. We all picture it differently, which is why we all give different answers. It’s up to OP to look through them and see which ones resonate with her 🤷

Sorry to hear about your experience with your colleague. Are you suggesting that’s how all people with ADHD are, or just that you don’t believe in ADHD and think it’s an excuse for rudeness?

Haven’t you ever spoken without thinking and then immediately felt awful and apologised? That’s all that’s happened here. Very normal and always mortifying, which hopefully helps our brains not to do the same thing again. It’s really unfortunate and I feel for OP’s husband, but that’s pretty much all we can sensibly say, isn’t it?

She did show understanding, that does not mean that she has to agree that she deserves to be treated like she behaved truly terribly.

Do you disagree that if in general she is caring and attentive with her dh and especially on the topic of his mother who is unwell, if she shows interest and compassion generally, then an 'oopsie' moment as described by op will not have such an impact. If she is disengaged from his experience and worries around MIL this may well have been the straw that broke the camels back.

Yes I disagree, She may well be supportive and compassionate about his mother generally and he just might be irritated by her or the relationship may not be in a good place.

Of course if she hasn't been supportive generally about the MIL that is different but there's no way to tell from the post, and someone making a silly slip like that does not mean that they haven't been supportive.

Yes, it's a terrible overreaction when someone says to you, 'Your mother's died. Oh no, my mistake, just some random celebrity.

I admired Judith Chalmers. I remember her as a young BBC announcer. I would always say, 'Judith Chalmers.' As I would say, 'Claudia Winkleman.' I don't know either of them and I wouldn't expect anyone else to pick up the reference if I just used the first name.

The shock that must have given your DH will have been massive. To him, it must have seemed as though you didn't care about his concerns and worries over his mum. Big apology needed.

@allthegoldicouldeat

yeah, sod his dying mam. She has the nurses with her…who does OP have??

No it is very much the mature option when you're living with somebody like the OP.

He's probably constantly overwhelmed.
I genuinely think him leaving is the sensible option. Honestly I do.

There's no thrashing it out. It's insolvable. He should stay away for both their sale's.

He must be under enormous stress as it is.
I generally think that in the absence of abuse people should at least try to make a go of it. Not here.

There is far too much projection going on in many of these posts. You cannot possibly know what their marriage is like.

Maybe you could point me in the direction of the part where the OP was being ‘rude, controlling, generally horrible’?

Disagree.
ADHD is defined by certain behaviours else it would not be a condition.
It's shorthand for saying that this person will display certain behaviours.

It absolutely does count for violence if you're the parent of a child who has violent meltdowns.

His mum is dying - my dad dying was the worst thing that has happened to me. I think his reaction is understandable.

I am 46 and very much know who Judith Chalmers was - I have never just said ‘Judith” if talking about. Do you think you may have (subconsciously) done it for effect??? My friend does stuff like this a lot - it’s fucking weird.

Why have you inferred my post is solely about the ops? Are you referring to the whole of society in your post?

Cool.
I think she should leave him seeing as by the sounds of it he doesn't accept her as she is.

Disagree - he will be completely overwhelmed. He could have raged, or left. He choose the mature option

It either didn’t happen or she said it on purpose to cause drama/hurt her DH.

I’ve never known anyone to ever refer to Judith Chalmers as anything other than Judith Chalmers. Full name, every time.

To just say ‘Judith’ in this context it would have to be a deliberate attempt to make DH think his mum had died, ADHD or no ADHD. Horrible.

And hopefully he will leave her, given some see that he should not be allowed any emotions of his own, and must ALWAYS consider her and her feelings, while accepting she should never be expected to reciprocate?

Yes hopefully he does leave her based on that scenario that you've just made up in your head 😂😂

What the scenario where you say he has to accept her doing whatever she wants? think she should leave him seeing as by the sounds of it he doesn't accept her as she is.? If “as she is” is being insensitive and the hurtful blurting?

Maybe most of it isn't insensitive or hurtful. Maybe he just doesn't like it.

I would agree with this.

Op maybe thinks that because the upset wasn't intentional it doesn't matter?

If he needs some time away that's fine & it might do them both good to reflect.

God, how incredibly insensitive. I wouldn't be surprised if he never forgives you. Nobody calls Judith Chalmers ‘ Judith’. I think any attractiveness you might have had to him will have just disapeared. You aren’t emotionally a safe space. I’m amazed. Horrible.

ADHD is extremely variable in how it presents!

Just a few examples of findings from the health literature:

1. 'The multifactorial causation of ADHD is reflected in the heterogeneity of this disorder, as indicated by its diversity of psychiatric comorbidities, varied clinical profiles, patterns of neurocognitive impairment and developmental trajectories, and the wide range of structural and functional brain anomalies'. - Luo Y, Weibman D, Halperin JM, Li X. A Review of Heterogeneity in Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Front Hum Neurosci. 2019 Feb 11;13:42. A Review of Heterogeneity in Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) - PMC (594 citations to date).

2. 'The present results [of this study] show that the ‘average ADHD patient’ has limited informative value, providing the first evidence for the necessity to explore different biological facets of ADHD at the level of the individual and practical means to achieve this end'. - Wolfers T, Beckmann CF, Hoogman M, Buitelaar JK, Franke B, Marquand AF. Individual differences v. the average patient: mapping the heterogeneity in ADHD using normative models. Psychological Medicine. 2020;50(2):314-323. Individual differences v. the average patient: mapping the heterogeneity in ADHD using normative models | Psychological Medicine | Cambridge Core (248 citations to date).

3. 'ADHD is heterogeneous both etiologically and phenotypically... ADHD syndrome is thus analogous to hypertension or obesity: defined by applying to a trait a clinical cut point with actuarial but not ontological meaning... One issue is that the symptom-checklist method of diagnosis in DSM-5 and its precursors structurally ensures some degree of clinical heterogeneity in most disorders... Overall, views of psychopathology are rapidly evolving away from an assumption of discrete disorders. They are [now] converging instead on a consensus view of psychopathology as an extended family of overlapping syndromes linked by crosscutting traits'. - Joel T. Nigg, Margaret H. Sibley, Anita Thapar, Sarah L. Karalunas. 2020. Development of ADHD: Etiology, Heterogeneity, and Early Life Course. Annual Review Developmental Psychology. 2:559-583. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-devpsych-060320-093413 (252 citations to date).

I hope these are useful! I've found them very interesting - they help me understand a number of personal and working relationships much better!