Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

@Sassylovesbooks that's a lovely and humane post. I learn a lot from Mumsnetters like you - I hope your recovery is going well 💗💐

You're not alone OP. I did a similar thing with "Andrew's been arrested".

I see the usual advice to ADHD people is doing the rounds. In essence: "Have you tried NOT having ADHD?".

Sounds like there’s more to it from this and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back for him.

And the unsympathetic response to the male of the situation!

Nope.
I am always reminded of a TV show I watched- think it was House - and the advice to a warring couple was: sometimes two people just don't get on.

She can't change but he shouldn't be expected to tolerate it, either.

The enormous stress of living with her will probably send him to an early grave if he continues to do so.
This was probably an 'enough!' moment.
(Interesting how his relatives's just taken him in. They must be aware of how it is for him.)

Constant chaos and misunderstandings.

A day that goes as planned is a rare event.
Peace is a rarity. Simple pleasures impossible in their presence.
No just settling down to watch TV feet up in peace.

You both need to apologise and move on- blurting like that was stupid and overreacting was stupid.

@Monty36

what are you even on about? What are ‘bots’?

Ask the poster who I responded to.

Sorry I misread your posts @cherrytree86

Ok @childpassporthell

what are bots?

I don’t think you sound very compatible, OP. Maybe break up…enjoy being single or meet someone else!

I don't know and really don't care. I see people using that as an excuse every time they read something they don't like.

Flipping hell. Sorry I've done it again. Will let that poster answer.

He wanted an excuse to be somewhere else.

Yes probably with his terminally ill mother.

This is such an ableist thread. Basically, the gist is, stop feeling comfortable in displaying your ADHD traits as society hates that and ensure that you mask as heavily as possible at all times as that makes neurotypical people feel happier.

The amount of shame being piled on the OP for daring to have a conversation with her own sister, in her own home where she was truly being herself and not monitoring every word is unreal! Yes she upset her partner, entirely unintentionally. She has apologised to him for that and, given he is her partner, he’s the one who should know whether the OP is someone who is generally a malicious person and probably meant harm or not.

Imagine having to spend your whole life monitoring everything you say, whether you interrupt, whether you’re speaking too quickly, whether you’re giving enough eye contact/too much eye contact, whether you’ve asked enough questions/too many questions, are you too full on, too loud - trying to keep your volume at a level so people don’t tell you off. It’s exhausting and why so many neurodivergent people cycle in and out of burnout so frequently. Think about how even being at home isn’t a safe place where you can switch off and be yourself because you’re shamed for that there too. Research states that by the age of 11 a child with ADHD has heard 20,000 more negative messages than their neurotypical peers. That continues for the rest of their life. Judge the intent behind a situation, not the outcome. OP has apologised and acknowledged how the comment made her partner feel but some of these posts won’t be satisfied until she sheds blood for it!

And that’ll bring out the “under his mummy’s thumb, how selfish for him to abandon you when he’s upset you so much!!” remarks….

@allthegoldicouldeat

yes, probably at the hospital with his mum. Or do you think he should have stayed home to placate and soothe Op?

Imagine having your day ruined because a simple task was not completed by your spouse. A task a typical 10-year-old could do in minutes.

Imagine piles of empty bottles just strewn about the living room after you've cleaned it. In spite of there being a bin next to the bottles!
Imagine having to navigate your way through the hallway of your home because the junk they meant to take to the recycling centre is STILL there weeks later.
Imagine having to live in chaos because there's not one corner of your home they haven't managed to make a mess of.
Or if there is a room you have free of shit, you have to constantly defend it from encroachment of their stuff.

Imagine having a hole in your roof pissing water through the ceiling because in spite of you giving them half the cash and money is very much available to fix it and them saying they'd call the roofer but haven't so you get into a big argument because they get annoyed if you say you'll do it.

And then, after another day of this, you can't even watch your favourite TV show cause they talk all the way through it.
F*ing endlessly.

You can say it's nobody's fault and I'd agree. Nobody should have to tolerate this behaviour from another adult in a marriage, though.

Of course he should. She’s clearly a very troubled soul.

@QuintadosMalvados but this isn't what the OP was talking about.

I'm sorry if this were your experience and situation. I hope you resolved the relationship and that you are doing well now. But it's not the experience of every person in a relationship with someone who is not neurotypical.

Not sure at what point I did say any of that had to be tolerated? I was referring to the OP’s situation. If that is your situation then I can understand why that would take its toll on you. There comes a point in a relationship with a neurotypical or neurodivergent person where you need to decide whether it is viable or not. Neurotype may explain difficulties but it doesn’t mean that anyone has to stay when they are unhappy.

I can no longer identify mn sarcasm….🙃 hopefully this is!

Yes apart from Diana or Elvis I can’t think of anyone where just a first name would used ( except obvs stage names like Bono, Cher etc)