Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

I agree with you loislovesstewie

Saying sorry isn’t really a quick fix for someone’s pain.

You seem genuinely upset that you caused him such distress but as others have said his reaction is understandable given the circumstances. If he doesn’t want to talk, why not write him a sincere apology note and drop it round discreetly. Let him know how sorry you are for causing the distress - probably best not to mention ADHD - and how sorry you are that his mother is so ill etc. He will need your support if the worst happens. Good luck with mending fences.

Yep, it’s embarrassing the twists and turns that are being made for op on this thread!
“how DARE he be upset by thinking his mum has died!!! Doesn’t he know he counts for nothing and it is only you that matters!! Poor op! You are absolutely in the right to be upset and complain about his lack of care, compassion and sensitivity here!!” 🙄

You were thoughtless, and you know this. But you then don't seem to want to accept the consequences, so I'm with your DP on this, OP. It can be hard work living with someone blurty.

I dont think he overeacted at all. What a horrible experience for him.

Because the BBC spam you with so many minor stories.

If this really happened and it just slipped out because you didn't think/can't control it/have adhd/whatever then surely you can see objectively that because his mother is called Judith and is in hospital right now that what you did caused your husband to panic, and his reaction is valid and shouldn't have to be downplayed because you think it's too much.

What I don't understand is why you've created a thread about him over reacting, but your allowed to not think before you speak/put your foot in your mouth and its all okay but hes not allowed to react and needs to reign it in.

This sounds completely deliberate on your part.

Generally on threads like this the op is Seeking mumsnet “hes a bastard!!” validation and the poor you martyrdom crown!

I'd also expect someone listening to one side of a conversation to realise from the intonation that his partner wasn't saying "Judith's dead? " as if it was news she has just been told, as opposed to "Judith's dead!" which was news she was imparting to someone else.

According to the OP, she does blurt things out sometimes so he presumably thought it was something that could happen.

She did that already--in the OP.

I think it might be that he's generally feeling on edge and sad and fragile because his mother is dying - which is a huge, life-altering thing - and you blurting out 'oh Judith's dead!' to your sister not only frightened him in the moment but was also the last straw for him generally.

I kind of get this because I am the same, a very unwell parent, months of worry. I have a short fuse with people being dicks, to be blunt. It all feels very heavy and people carrying on about silly things like a celebrity they don't know dying would annoy me.

I know you didn't mean it, but blurting out his mother's name in that context - about a celebrity - is pretty thoughtless. It's not the end of the world but you need to try and understand that when a parent is dying it's a state of constant vigilance and unease that never really stops and he's in it right now.

I know some people are saying ADHd can get worse the more responsibilities are piled on but it can also get better with age if a person gets good with techniques and systems in place, like alarms and technology etc.

I do wonder if there is another diagnosis in this situation though as I know quite a few neurodivergent people, and there can be two or three things going on hand in hand.

Who would "everyone" be? Is it normal for him to canvas outside opinion on any disagreement you have?

Your comment sounds accidentally mistimed.

Goodness there are some nasty, patronising comments on this thread. I think OP and her DH both need to have a bit of compassion for the other whilst being aware of their own challenges.

Slight over reaction from dh but also very surprised your friend knew you meant tv lady and not mil

I got it too! I also said out loud ‘Judith chalmers died!’

I am with your DH. You know his mum is called Judith. You know she is very ill.
If you meant to say Judith Chalmers is dead you would say that. Her full name.

You said Judith only as if you were talking about someone you all knew. You didn’t say her surname.

And no, you didn’t really expect her to say ‘Judith who’.

You were causing a drama and I think you knew it.

If you feel your ADHD meant you cannot engage your brain before opening your mouth then at least engage your brain to be considerate of your other half first and foremost.

You did nothing wrong, OP. Normal people would just say phew and maybe even laugh about it. Also I’m sure that if you’d had a text telling you his mum had actually passed, you wouldn’t have told him like that. Furthermore I’d expect him to receive the news before you, anyway.
He sounds like hard work and to be honest seems to making excuses for having a problem with you - does he even like you? I just get the feeling this guy doesn’t and you might deserve someone who actually loves you. Just my opinion, but either way I don’t believe that you are the problem here 💐

Unless she was a relative or a close friend, I don’t understand why you’d refer to her as just ‘Judith’. Very odd!

I didn’t get a day - my dad passed with a highly unexpected cardiac arrest before my eyes, but carry on making blanket generalisations about those of us who don’t agree with your perspective on this situation.

What a long winded way of saying the OP is a princess who deserves to be pampered. Maybe that's the problem.

She was a household name for those of us who grew up in the 80s, and in the area I’m from it would be perfectly normal to initially refer to someone like that by their first time - people would generally know who you were talking about. It sounds like the OP is from a similar sort of place.

I don't get why the name 'Judith' was used without the 'Chalmers' part.

Makes no sense.

If it was Madonna or Elvis, I'd get it.

ADHD or not, this makes no sense to me.