Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

Which may well be just because he's irritated by her because the relationship isn't going well, doesn't mean she's doing something wrong, he may well have liked that about her before, other men could find it endearing, if a person doesn't like the way you are or how your brain works that does not necessarily mean that you're doing something wrong.

My husband has ADHD, late diagnosed. When we got together 20 years ago he functioned fine, but as time has gone on and responsibilities have been added to our life he has worsened significantly, as is often the case. It is exhausting. The lives of our entire family revolve around his incapacity -everyone has to overcompensate for the things he doesn’t do, the children have long since learned not rely on him for anything and he is also a member of the “it’s just the way I am club”

I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of the OPs marriage but given her husbands reaction I suspect he may be similarly tired and he’s just had enough at a time when he is already highly stressed and emotional.

Yes, ADHD is awful for the people who suffer from it but it’s also terrible for the people who live with them and sometimes, as happens to everyone, things get on top of you and you snap. If she deserves grace, he deserves it too. Suggesting that her husband is BU during a time of immense stress for a normal human reaction to what is probably the latest in a long line of incidents where his feelings have been completely disregarded is ridiculous.

I can't believe that people think that the OP is being reasonable. I understand she has ADHD, my adult DS has it too, but she's caused panic and distress to her DH by thoughtlessly shouting a remark. He obviously thinks his mum has died when hearing the name. Yet somehow he's at fault? Dear God!

My commiserations. Dh, who I love dearly has a similar history, all good when we were younger but much more difficult for us all to manage now. It's slowly killing me tbh.

For me what comes through with OP and other ADHD / autistic impulsivity is that due to the fact the person isn't considering what they're saying, it's not just what they say but that lack of human or emotional connection in that moment and often afterwards. The words and impulse are dominating and loving connection is absent as it's overridden by the thoughtless, cold and harsh remark. I'm guessing Op's dh is suffering from chronic lack of empathy and kind consideration from his very own partner. It's exhausting.

This is honestly one of my first memories as a child but the exact same thing happened to my mum when Princess Diana died except it was her friend rather than mum. My step-dad shouted “Diana’s died!” to my mum and she ran down panicking to shit thinking her good friend was dead.

I think it might have been nice to add the surname in. I wouldn’t have had a clue who you meant if you’d just said Judith.

I can't believe how intolerant MN has become in the past few months.

She did not intend to make him think that, she has apologised and said she feels awful. That's enough. She should not be made to feel like she's done something terrible and needs to change who she is.

Fgs she did apologize!

Strange lapse, OP, as even if you and your sister were huge fans I don’t get why you omitted her last name! But, ADHD etc.

On the other hand, your DH can only have thought it was his mum for less than a second before realizing the mistake. He will hopefully come back soon and you can apologize again!

I think your husband is being ridiculous.

The hurt and damage this kind of chronic thoughtlessness and impulsivity can do in a relationship is immeasurable.

A neurodivergent person may not be able to stop themselves saying insensitive things in impulsive moments but if the relationship is to work, there needs to be a genuine effort to repair the situations that occur. So if by and large Op has been genuinely supportive of her MIL before blurting this out and continues to provide emotional support to her dh by showing compassion and understanding regarding MIL, it will probably be ok as the base line is connection and care. If OP is generally detached and dissociating from her partner's experience in, it will further damage the relationship.

A relationship can also be damaged immeasurably if one person cannot accept the other.

A genuine effort to repair is to apologise and to say that she felt awful. She does not need to engage in self-flagellation.

A partner 'needing space' and staying elsewhere can be a huge thing in a relationship. I wouldn't be ok with that either unless I had intentionally done something wrong.

Sorry, OP but you sound like a nightmare to live with. Your DH was not overreacting and your referring to Judith Chalmers as ‘Judith’ is utterly ridiculous - she wasn’t ’Elvis’ for God’s sake.
How many times you must have done things like this to make your DH finally lose it. Sounds like this was the last straw.
And being sorry just doesn’t cut it.

He's not treating her badly. He has removed himself from the situation and is spending time with close family who can support him better at this difficult time, and who are going through the same loss. That's a pretty mature response I'd say.

Saying she feels awful make zero difference as it's not about her or how she is feeling (she wasn't the one who got hurt by her outburst) it's about the hurt she caused her loved one. Do you disagree that if in general she is caring and attentive with her dh and especially on the topic of his mother who is unwell, if she shows interest and compassion generally, then an 'oopsie' moment as described by op will not have such an impact. If she is disengaged from his experience and worries around MIL this may well have been the straw that broke the camels back.

I am wondering if OP is on ADHD medication?

She does not need to engage in self-flagellation.
I didn't read anyone suggesting this. It's not about OP beating herself up as that too is self-centred, it's about nurturing the connection with her dh. In this case as she caused enormous surprise and hurt, it may be better to show understanding to his feelings.

So there is no filter which = no responsibility for inappropriate behaviour/words used. Does that mean there are types of employment that wouldn’t be suitable for someone with adhd then? Or should people be ok with being told their doctor/lawyer/police officer/teacher/nurse/plumber/shop assistant and so on infinitum is going to say cruel, upsetting, thoughtless things, but that’s ok and if they’re upset/angered/offended then they’re the horrible ones?
It’s an absolute insulting nonsense to have everyone with ADHD given the sticker of “shucks that’s just how I am and you have to accept it or I’ll be upset!”
as you can see by this thread many mnetters with adhd don’t agree with that!

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry 🌺🌺🌺

I had a similar situation when the Princess of Wales died. I popped into my parents flat and called "Wow, Diana has died". My poor DF turned white thinking I meant his sister. But the relief when he found it wasn't her was enough to fix my faux pas.

Were you on first name terms with Judith Charmers?
She’s not exactly a figure who was well known by her first name.

Your poor husband just got a fright.

I think it's possible that there will be shown to be a link with Tourettes. The major differences seem to be the level of controllability and the level of offence of the words. From what I experience and what I read about Tourettes, the compulsion to speak is shared. The brain simply activates the mouth, it's done before you can think about it. The only solution I have found is simply to stop talking to people. Writing things down for a forum is a great solution.

For the people making some very valid comments about relationships, it's really common for someone with ADHD to link up with someone ASD. My partner is, my best friend is. The traits of each allow them to never feel, or to ignore, or to tolerate the double of the other.

Foibles, not double.

That’s not great but it’s more understandable because people did call Princess Diana just Diana.

And she was very much talked about at the time and your aunt wasn’t ill in hospital either.

You did this on purpose, surely? I can’t figure out why though. No one refers to a celebrity by their first name unless it’s Cher or Madonna and even then if your MIL what called Cher you would say ‘the singer Cher.’

Also, he should have known that you weren’t referring to his Mum because how the hell would you know she’s dead without him knowing himself? The whole situation is weird. For whatever reason you were trying to upset him / wind him up and he knows that.

I watched Judith Chalmers avidly as a child and thought her and the programmes she presented were awesome but I couldn’t even remember her name yesterday for a moment when her face flashed up, she hasn’t been in the public eye for a very long time. This wasn’t ADHD, it was something else.

I think that's odd too, but to be fair if we are getting forensic about it, I also wouldn't expect a man to automatically think of his mother when someone says her first name unless he and his partner routinely referred to her as Judith. Even somebody else asking after her would normally say "how's your Mum?" not "how's Judith?" In fact, the fact she said the name at all suggests that they did not routinely use it as a couple to talk about his mother.

I'd also expect someone listening to one side of a conversation to realise from the intonation that his partner wasn't saying "Judith's dead? " as if it was news she has just been told, as opposed to "Judith's dead!" which was news she was imparting to someone else.

He's obviously feeling very fragile about the situation and his reaction was completely understandable. It might just be a result of the current situation, or they may not be well matched. I wish both of them well, anyway.

@BronzeHare and @knittedbatman I identify with both of you.

I agree that it is utterly and completely exhausting. When my children were small I couldn’t even guarantee they were safe (gates being left open, hands not being held, etc).

It looks to me as though OP’s husband is reaching a point where he just feels he can’t go on. Let’s hope not.

Apart from medication OP, meditation is also very good for calming your thoughts and slowing down generally. It’s something I’d strongly recommend.

Agree with this.

He is allowed to be upset in the circumstances without OP minimising his feelings because she doesn’t like them.

He’s a man. That’s all that matters for many MNers.