Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

I guess the converse is that we cant, and wouldn’t, wish the stress of a loved one critically ill on those who can’t grasp the husband’s reaction.

It’s great - albeit surprising given the claims about having no control over words or actions - that your reactions in such circumstances have been perfect. Perhaps we could cut the husband some slack however.

its weird that you referred to Judith chambers as just Judith as if you are pals.
I just can’t figure out why you’d say this.

For real?

Watching the programme in the 90s doesn’t mean that when you say “Judith” to your sister she would instantly know you meant Judith Chalmers, especially when your own (very sick) mother in law is also called Judith. It was a very very odd thing for you to say. The notification said “Judith Chalmers” yet you dropped the surname for no apparent reason. Bizarre.

Really I think the point is that it's very likely his mother is dying. I mean it must have been obvious that she was on the phone to her sister so why would she alone know that her MIL had died and be telling her sister. Yes, it would have have given him an initial shock. I think he is concentrating on OP's inadvertent faux pas to avoid the real issue that his mother is possibly dying.

This wasn't 'behaviour'.

Not how the very basic concept of human perception works, the type of thing most learn very young.

You hear things like your own name, or things that are very relevant to you at that time, or your profession, or home town etc, etc clearly even from a crowd of noise where you can't make out anything else at all. Pretending this was deserved when everyone knows this basic fact is pretty childish.

Yes they could try I agree, but following work I have done in this field, impulsivity & spontaneity is, if not an over-riding side effect, whilst certainly not over-all, it does appear to be a common one. The ‘looking before you leap’ (or speak), simply doesn’t factor in. Those with ADHD often wish there was a filter.

OP you made a mistake and apologised, so don't beat yourself up, but equally your DH is under a lot of stress and had an awful shock, so he may need a bit of time, and he's not unreasonable to feel that way. Neither of you are really in the wrong, it's just a really difficult stressful time so nerves are going to be a bit frayed.

He definitely did overreact.
It's one thing to have got a shock and became upset but it's quite another to treat her as if she'd done something awful.

ND people don't have to change just to suit NT people.

And OP is also allowed to be hurt by his response and to deal with that in her own way also.
I would be very upset if I accidentally made someone feel that shock and panic for a moment, however I would not be ok with them treating me like I had intentionally done something badly to them.
The right to have feelings and a response doesn't stop at her partners response.

OP feels awful about it and apologized to him.

She doesn't need to engage in self-flagellation. She's allowed to not be ok with his reaction.

Sorry, I wasn't clear in my sarcasm. I was siding with your comment. ☺️

There's two weird things at play here...

1. The fact you just announced her as Judith rather than her full name. As others have said, she's not been relevant for years.

2. Why would you even know this before him, and especially by a notification? Surely as the son, and NOK, he would be notified first if his mum died? I'd expect the hospital to call with such devastating news.

We know you didn’t mean to hurt him.

But you really, really did hurt him. He is allowed to feel the way that he does about his mother dying. And while he might normally understand that you aren’t good at thinking before you speak, he’s absolutely allowed to be really upset about it this time.

That’s not blowing things out of all proportion. The ‘proportion’ is that he thought his mother had died and that you’d told him in a really offhand way.

You need to work harder at understanding why he reacted the way he did and work a lot harder at not upsetting him, or anyone else, again in the same way. It’s not okay. And it’s definitely not okay to tell him he’s overreacting.

@bridgetreilly
Your comments are not ok.

They're disgraceful actually.

I still can't get over anybody ever, in the 1970'S or now referring to Judith Charmers by her first name alone.

Madonna yes. Cher yes.

But Judith Charmers?!

I think if this was a once off mistake, that’s bad but you must be doing things like this all
the time for him to be this upset.

(still though, my gut feeling is that everyone on earth would have said her full name, and only her family would say just Judith) have you other diagnosis also?

Has anyone given any thought to the possibility that OP said "Judith" because her ill MiL was on her mind, too? I really din't think it is that far of a stretch. It's certainly nothing to be chastised for. DH freaked, understandable, but OTT, both should apologize.

BUT SHE'S GOT ADHD!

So yes OP, you knew exactly what you were doing and you are not being "unreasonable", you're being a dick.

uup. Apparently her name is Jenner? 🤣🤣

That was the comment I was responding to:

If you said "Kylie's dead" or something, most people would think of the popstar.
But Judith Chalmers is not a current celebrity and people never have used a mononym about her. It is pretty obvious in the context how he would take it.

soooo… doesn’t even work with Kylie seeing as the comment section can’t agree on which Kylie we’re talking about.🤣

It's the one who are doing the judging who are the problem. That's what is nasty behaviour.

No not necessarily, just because he's upset that doesn't mean she's doing something wrong, it could just mean that he doesn't like her very much or the relationship isn't in a good place.
People are often irritated by their partner if the relationship isn't in a good place.

But he said ‘you don’t think before you speak and I’m fed up of you doing this’

Sure. Just as he's allowed to not be ok with her thoughtlessness.