Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

Having ADHD is not a free pass to say whatever you like and there be no repercussions?

You did nothing wrong. Sorry OP. He's taking his worries out on you. Understandable but not acceptable.

Your poor husband. My mum's in her eighties and though in good health it's a constant fear that it will happen.

He didn't over react - he reacted, and understandably with shock.

I absolutely see why he was so distressed and it reads as though you're expecting him to just suck it up and accept that's just the way you are 🤷‍♀️

Was this the latest in many incidents Ike this? It may feel right now to him like the last straw.

Neurodivergent people can learn and change and improve - time to start, and stop expecting him to put up with this.

Put up with this?

She did nothing wrong.
She was chatting to her sis on the phone, not her husband.

Her husband has totally blown it out of proportion. Most people would calm down quick when they realise it's nothing to do with his mum or him. Don't listen to other people's conversations perhaps? Then wouldn't get the wrong end of the stick.

'Judith's dead'
Of all the conversations that could be had about the Late (tanned and always amiable) Judith Chalmers, this was one I could never have predicted.
RIP Judith (not that one!)

Fuck me. Why are you this invested in a television personality? Grow up.

‘Listening’ isn’t the same as ‘hearing’ ffs!

He was in the same room…he could hardly not hear her on the phone to her sister could he?? 🤦‍♀️

It’s clearly not just this incident but it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. You need to both have a conversation about what the underlying issue is. Your DH reacted with deep anger to this not in isolation but because he harbors a substantial resentment or dissatisfaction with your relationship or an aspect of it. This is what you need to get to the bottom of.

No of course not - but it is a free pass to have a private conversation without fear of being vilified for a completely out of context, unrelated, unintentional remark. The sanctimonious twats are out in force tonight!

Judith Charmers really does not deserve to be caught up in a nonsense thread like this. RIP Judith.

I’m veering to this as well.

Why on earth would OP’s sister know before him if his mum had died?!

Fair enough if he had a moment of fear but to carry it on for so long shows that on
some level he is enjoying having this over OP’s head.

She doesn’t know about the thread.

I’m surprised by some of the reactions here. Surely if his mum had died he would be the one to be notified first rather than you? I think he over reacted probably due to being emotional over the situation in general which is understandable. But I don’t think you did anything wrong either, you weren’t having a conversation with him, he just unfortunately overheard something out of context and panicked. It was a simple misunderstanding and I don’t think you deserve to be raked over the coals for it.

If your MIL had died and for some reason you knew before her next of kin, surely you would tell him (kindly) before your sister.
Although his panic brain won’t have registered that.

Who the heck is Kylie Kardashian?
I immediately thought Kylie Minogue!!
I appreciate not the point of the thread.😆

This sounds very contrived to me. You either made it up or did it to hurt your DH deliberately.

If its true (which I don’t believe for a minute it is) you need to stop just excusing your thoughtlessness and damaging behaviour by saying ‘My ADHD is the reason for my thoughtlessness, its just how I am’ and seek help for it and really work on the things you know you do that are hurting your family.

Yes. You need to apologise, and you need to learn to think before you speak. You have no excuse. For heaven's sake, you made your DH think his mother had died, and from what you've said it seems likely that there have been a few things that you've said that have upset him recently.

Tell him to get over himself how are you expected to know he was lurking nearby eavesdropping l.
you haven’t killed his mum mate it was a throwaway comment read from a notification whilst chatting you didn’t purposefully set out to hurt him.
By fucking off in a sulk he is of course purposely hurting you. 😔

why would he imagine you’d hear of his s mums passing first or that you’d casually inform your sister 🙄 he didn’t and doesn’t

That’s about as likely, or helpful, as asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon.

His mother is in HDU, you should be cutting him lots of slack, apologising and being gentle with him. "It’s how I’ve always been" is not an excuse, it's what selfish people say.

Oh, but they could try. 🙄

It sounds line a few things:
dh is on edge about his dmum
dh is frustrated with OP
dh used the situation to vent his frustration with op

sum: there are issues in the relationship between dh and op

Unless you know how genuine ADHD affects you as a person, I'd suggest you button it.
OP, you were talking to your sister I think this is a genuine mistake and your husband is going through something many of us have gone through, and us taking it out on you.

@CaesarAugusta but equally, it doesn't seem as if it was unreasonable of the OP to think her sister would know who she meant, or to catch on pretty quickly.

When I talk to my sister, I don't assume that she thinks of my in-laws automatically when I'm chatting, and mention names that overlap with theirs. She sees them very rarely and they just wouldn't come up much in conversation.

It sounds as if the husband was irritated by her talking to her sister on the phone, chatting away, while he was there. He might be just feeling the strain, or he might be more fundamentally unhappy in his relationship and using this as 'the reason'.

If the OP is a speech clutterer (the blurting and speed she describes are consistent with it), it's not a matter of being thoughtless and morally-deficient, but having a speech disorder.

Do you think people without ADHD don't have to check their mouths before they speak? Pausing for 5 seconds before saying the first thing that comes into your head is a good idea. If I articulated every thought I had, lordy help me. I have to rephrase things so I don't offend people. It's not this magic automatic thing non ADHD people have.