Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

This was my instant thought while reading the OP.
3/10, needs much more pizazz to make it into a multi-thread saga.

He was in the same room! How could he not hear what his wife was saying, whether he wanted to, or not?

Why does everyone blame ADHD for everything now?

He already knows it was a misunderstanding but he's sick of them and probably believes they are avoidable.

I dont think that whats coming out of your mouth is the main problem. Its imho OP not realising how hurtful it was.

The thought she had died, as devastating as it was, was in his head for about 3 seconds before he was reassured , and the error explained.

But something like that also brings a physical reaction. That doesn't go away after three seconds and it's not something you can control. He'll still be feeling shocked and shaky for some time.

It wasnt an ADHD blurt, you were having a contextually relevant convo with someone else

Well no, because her sister didn't know what she was on about either, until she also got a notification. So it wasn't contextual, although that is a big, clever word.

Quite
Odd post
I call bullshit

I don’t think he is overreacting. He’s going to think it’s his mum. She’s in the high dependency unit. It sounds like he would be alert to any phone call that comes in. I would’ve thought that would be his immediate thought and you can understand his response.

This and whilst it might seem an overreaction I suspect his narrative of what you’re like might be different to yours

He’s being a twat

Nice

If OP should have some slack cut for her actions, why can't OP's DH have some slack cut for his?

The confusion might not have lasted long, but it's inevitable that the effects of the sheer visceral shock will last.

If your mother-in-law is called Judith and is currently in hospital seriously ill, it seems very strange to me that you would expect either your husband OR your sister to know you were referring to Judith Chalmers the holiday presenter.

It seems more natural that both husband and sister would surmise you were referring to the obvious suspect, eg, your mother-in-law.

I don’t see what you could have done to avoid this, it was an honest mistake. You couldn’t possibly have foreseen that you might blurt, “Judith’s dead”, so you couldn’t be careful not to do it, could you?

It’s unfortunate but just one of those things that happens and we have to get over.

Maybe you could try to have your husband’s problems and feelings a little more present in your thoughts, but even then, unless you’re constantly thinking of nothing else, everyone makes silly little verbal slips sometimes.

@MissMoneyFairy this is a forum for peoples opinions he’s overeating. Sorry my opinion is not the same as yours.

Overeating now too?

This bloke can't catch a break.

The problem with that entire scenario is that it's clear that OP and her sister weren't in the habit of calling Judith Chalmers Judith, because her sister didn't know that that was who she was talking about.

He's not unreasonable to be upset but he is unreasonable to leave the marital home over it. If OP has apologised profusely and he knows her diagnosis he needs to come back home to make up and put it behind them. OP needs an opportunity to apologise again and be her most caring - she can't do that to an invisible man.

"David's dead" 🤣🤣🤣 that still makes me laugh!

Are you sure? In my experience people can always avoid these problems when it really matter to them. Even if OP couldn't, she's known about this issue for decades and has had plenty of time both to get help and to work on herself.

In some ways this thread reminds me of someone I had the misfortune to come across for a mercifully short time when he got himself involved with my employers. He too had ADHD. Within a relatively short time he demonstrated that, whenever anyone had the temerity to question his views or doubt him in any way, he could be unbelievably rude and hurtful. Initially my employers were walking around him on eggshells, saying we mustn't be nasty due to his ADHD. However, it was pointed out that he was an apparently successful member of a profession which had some quite strict rules around conduct, and he really could not have got to where he was if he had been unable to control his rudeness. Fortunately he decided the whole thing was not for him and disappeared, to everyone's massive relief.

My DP came and woke me up with the words “Phil’s dead” when Prince Philip had died.

It was very weird as DP is quite anti-monarchy. I think he tends to use their first names only to show a bit of disrespect, possibly.

I have a very good friend called Phil. I had quite the panic for about 10 seconds.

I have heard people refer to celebrities by their first names only at other times though, especially when they are quite a memorable person. Eg/aah I love Jimmy! - when listening to Jimmy Carr. That kind of thing.

What exactly do you mean by "that is a big, clever word"? Just curious if theres a point beyond attempting to be patronising to strangers you disagree with online?

But for the record, her sister not immediately knowing which Judith she was talking about doesnt mean its not contextual.

Her sister didnt immediately say OMG, your Judith. she was mildly confused then saw the same notification. Not the reaction of a sister concerned her siblings MIL has died. And OP wasnt given the chance to clarify herself.

Its still contextual. She isnt blindly blurting things out, she didnt drop in the football scores and rain prediction, or the death of a presenter from 8 years ago. In the context of a chat with her sister she sees a notification that says a famous person they recognise and have shared memories of watching is dead and starts a conversation about it. Thats context. (That's what the big clever word means)

And any perception it was "blurting" was as a result of her DH listening to her conversation with someone else.

Its completely understandable he heard half a convo and panicked. And its understandable he still feels sensitive and is looking to blame her because probably atm anger at her is easier than the fear about his mum. But this was his misunderstanding.