AIBU to think arriving late and skipping a course was fine?

[Ellenie]

I will say in advance we don’t tend to do very formal meals all that often in our family or circle so this is an unfamiliar environment to me.

Last night we attended a formal/black tie event, arranged by a relative. A meal followed by a showing of his new creative project then some drinks.

DS and his girlfriend arrived about 10 minutes late to the meal, his girlfriend skipped the started opting for just wine instead. They didn’t apologise for being late just took their seats etc.

DH thinks it was very rude for them to be late, not apologise and for DS’s girlfriend to just have wine when everyone else was eating, as this made him uncomfortable.
He is insistent we should “have a word with them”.

AIBU to think it’s a total non issue, not rude and they were fine, didn’t do anything wrong.
They attend formal events much more often than we do, seemed very comfortable and she didn’t make a big deal out of not ordering starter, no I’m dieting/I ate a big lunch discourse, just no starter for me thank you. As for being late I think 10 minutes is within an acceptable range and they didn’t have to apologise as we were also just guests and the host would be none the wiser.
Is DH being dramatic?

I think it totally depends,on whére in the world you are 🤦🏼‍♀️

Holy F. I hope this is a joke.

Being late: rude.
Not apologising: ruder.

Not having a starter rather depends upon how the meal worked. You say order, so presumably this was in a restaurant rather than a catered meal? By that I mean, was this something whereby the host has engaged a caterer to provide x number of courses for x number of people and so the food is ordered and paid for in advance? (Like a wedding). Rather than going to a restaurant when the food is charged based upon what people order at the time?

if the former, then rejecting a course that the host has already paid for is rude. If the later, then that’s fine to skip a course.

Sounds like your DH has a bigger bugbear with their lateness generally and is using this 'formal' event as an excuse to air his grievance as there's perceived rules he can hide behind. I would go nowhere near this, rude or not. As you say, they might have apologised to the host independently. Also, they are mid 20s and we're invited separately, so this is really nothing to do with you. They are grown ups and stand or fall on their own behaviour. Your DH is being ridiculous about the starter. Why should she eat / stare at uneaten food when she doesn't want it? She wasn't hurting anyone and she ate the main. Who is he, the food police? In terms of lateness, this always sends MN wild. They were barely late. They were there before the starter arrived, and presumably nobody else cared. If this is natural in your son's girlfriend's culture, then it will be a very hard habit to break, even with the best will in the world. It will possibly also feel that DH is having a go at her culture. You have choices. Make your own plans more fluid in future so it doesn't matter...buffets rather than sit down lunches etc. Or, you (or DH) can bring it to a head, but only if you're prepared for your son to choose his gf over you if you make her feel uncomfortable /unwelcome. It's not a choice I would want to force my child into. If DH decides to go for it, I would be making it quite clear that it's him alone and would make sure your son knows too, if only for the sake of your own future relationships.

Also, they are mid 20s and we're invited separately, so this is really nothing to do with you.

His son's rudeness does reflect on his dad and OP. His son also represents his family, his father and OP, at a formal event and he couldn't get there on time or make a quick excuse to the table. That's rude. We don't know if he made an excuse to the host, if not, 😬.

It's got everything to do with your DH if it was his invitation and he's the father of your son. As parents you probably brought him up to apologise if late, and he didn't. It was ptobably embarrassing for you and your husband, especislly at a black-tie event. He should be spoken to.

They're young, they only learn by being told these things.

OP said the son was invited in his own right.

Parents don’t get to control their adult children in any case.

I think its rude but would have let it go. Just join in completely ffs

Woah steady on!

I agree with the following comments about the way the meal was structured. it was rude to decline the course if it was a pre-paid menu with options therein:

rejecting a course that the host has already paid for is rude. If the later, then that’s fine to skip a course.

They don’t have to apologise to you or your husband for being late. They are grown ass adults and can do as they please. I always skip the starter, I can’t eat a 3 course meal.

I’m expected to eat food just because someone has paid for it? Nonsense.

Yes, that’s actually how it works in civilised society?
You can always decline any invitation you have an issue with.

Did they arrive after the food was served? If so rude.
If people were getting seated not rude.
Up to her if she doesn't want a starter, was it a set menu? Maybe she didn't like it. It's not rude to skip a course.

"Jaw-dropping"??!

“Unspeakably” 😂

You generally don't eat it all - just enough to look like you didn't reject it outright but, yeah, in those circumstances you are supposed to not refuse the plate. It isn't dissimilar to being a guest at a dinner party.