AIBU to think arriving late and skipping a course was fine?

[Ellenie]

I will say in advance we don’t tend to do very formal meals all that often in our family or circle so this is an unfamiliar environment to me.

Last night we attended a formal/black tie event, arranged by a relative. A meal followed by a showing of his new creative project then some drinks.

DS and his girlfriend arrived about 10 minutes late to the meal, his girlfriend skipped the started opting for just wine instead. They didn’t apologise for being late just took their seats etc.

DH thinks it was very rude for them to be late, not apologise and for DS’s girlfriend to just have wine when everyone else was eating, as this made him uncomfortable.
He is insistent we should “have a word with them”.

AIBU to think it’s a total non issue, not rude and they were fine, didn’t do anything wrong.
They attend formal events much more often than we do, seemed very comfortable and she didn’t make a big deal out of not ordering starter, no I’m dieting/I ate a big lunch discourse, just no starter for me thank you. As for being late I think 10 minutes is within an acceptable range and they didn’t have to apologise as we were also just guests and the host would be none the wiser.
Is DH being dramatic?

I am very anal about punctuality but I cant get worked up about this.

No one was eating when they arrived, no course was missed, no one got pissed. They were a little late due to traffic and didnt hold anyone else up as they were all still sorting drinks out. GF didnt order a starter a she didnt want one.

None of that is worth "a word" at all! I doubt the host even noticed. All sounds a bit poncey though if I am honest!

That's not an opinion I share. Adults do make their own decisions, but I think adults - particularly family - should tell each other when they've been rude.

It was rude. But I don't think that's what you want to hear.

Team dh, bloody rude. Teach your ds basic etiquette.

So you’d be fine with OP’s son telling his father he’s rude to make a judgment about another adult’s behaviour?

Please, stop making excuses for them. You asked if people thought it rude they arrived late and didn’t apologise and the consensus is yes it was rude to not apologise.
Had they apologised, the ten twenty or thirty minutes they were late would just be one of those things!
Manners cost nothing no matter age or culture!
editing to add THAT’S what I would be saying to any of my three adult sons in this situation

In fairness that's 40 mins late, not ten. The half hour window was to allow for staggered arrivals.

Sitting their with their mouths firmly closed against an apology must have taken some effort, as most people would say something to the rest of the table.

It doesn't have to be a novel, just a simple ," So sorry we're late-the traffic was awful" would have done.

If I had been on the table, I would think that, by not referring to it they were both making a conscious choice not to do so.

Still, they were both clearly on the same page and united in their bad manners. Let's hope they stay together and that neither of them settle with someone who would be ashamed of their ignorance.

Would I speak to them. Probably not. They're not children-just unmannerly adults who have chosen to be unmannerly. I think the time for showing your son at least how to behave has passed.

Having been a waitress at very high end events, they were exceptionally rude: No ifs/buts/ands.

Diners are gathered for pre-meal drinks and called in by the Master of Ceremonies to the Dining Room. They should not be either the first or last to arrive under any circumstances.

Once the host has sat down (they are normally the last to enter the Dining Room) then everyone sits or stands (for the Grace).

Even if someone doesn't want to eat a particular course, the form is that they accept the plate, and cut up and pretend to eat that particular course, placing their cutlery on the plate, at approximately the same time as adjoining diners, indicating they have finished.

Their manners are appalling.

What is the issue here? The starters hadn't been served & your son & his partner were seated in time for the meal to begin. I hope this has nothing to do with your DH being against your sons choice of partner. Please don't upset this young couple who have done nothing wrong.

Except that none of what you describe happened. There was no MC, no mingling pre, no calling in to dinner. From what the OP posted, they arrived and went straight to their tables and then drinks etc were being sorted when the DS and GF arrived. So hardly the same at all.

It might have been black tie but that is just the dress code, it doesnt sound like it was high end at all.

this is all such a non-issue

Obviously they were very rude. However having a word is too much. They're adults.

Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unforgivable - in my view..

I can’t tell if you’re joking. They were a little bit late for a function. Why do they need instructions on how to eat food?

I'm a bit undecided OP.

On the one hand I find it worse when people come late and then the whole table stops as they make breathless apologies, but equally gliding in oblivious seems a bit high-handed too. Usually a quick word to those closest (very quick!) seems polite.

The starter seems to me a bit more of an issue if this was, as I am thinking(?), a catered event as opposed to a restaurant? Usually they are asking which starter you want not if, and, especially if you are already late, it seems as though just trying to blend in might have been the better course.

I think on balance your DH is right that a little more awareness wouldn't hurt - and if it is a cultural thing the GF might even be pleased of the pointer.

They were not attending a Pizza Hut/McDs/Brewers Fayre type establishment or function. It was a Black Tie formal occasion.

I think that skipping the starter, if they'd already been served, is more polite than getting them to serve them late.

On the lateness front, this is why (in my experience) black tie dinners usually have a drinks reception beforehand. Because then you aim to turn up at the start of the drinks reception and if you're late then you just have less of a drinks reception, rather than being late for the dinner. I do think being late for the dinner itself is pretty rude.

They were rude to not apologise. Thats basic good manners . The wine instead of a starter is a non issue imo

They should not be either the first or last to arrive under any circumstances.

As for that!☝

How the hell does that work then? Someone has to be first and someone has to be last thats just a fact! Or do they congregate in the car park and then walk in mob handed so they are all first AND last together?😂

They are very ignorant and very rude. That is why. They were Very Late, Everyone was Seated. Only the Host is the last in the Dining Room on these occasions as guests are expected to Wait for the Host, not the other way round.

Even if it was rude, it sounds like they're grown adults so I'm not sure how you're supposed to 'have a word'. They'll likely ignore you.

Very rude....but I'm old fashioned & miss the old fashioned common manners..

I can’t take this seriously. You’re randomly capitalising words; what’s that about?

I dont know if it has been asked but what is his issue with her not having a starter? Feels a bit controlling to be that concerned with what others are eating. And if he doesnt know if they apologised to the host or not, why is he worried?

I personally dont like being late at all and if I were, I would likely say as I sat something like apologies for being late etc but the issue with someone else not ordering a starter is strange, not everyone wants or needs a 3 course meal and I would much prefer someone not to order more food than they want just to appease others as I hate food waste so much.

AI at a guess