AIBU to think arriving late and skipping a course was fine?

[Ellenie]

I will say in advance we don’t tend to do very formal meals all that often in our family or circle so this is an unfamiliar environment to me.

Last night we attended a formal/black tie event, arranged by a relative. A meal followed by a showing of his new creative project then some drinks.

DS and his girlfriend arrived about 10 minutes late to the meal, his girlfriend skipped the started opting for just wine instead. They didn’t apologise for being late just took their seats etc.

DH thinks it was very rude for them to be late, not apologise and for DS’s girlfriend to just have wine when everyone else was eating, as this made him uncomfortable.
He is insistent we should “have a word with them”.

AIBU to think it’s a total non issue, not rude and they were fine, didn’t do anything wrong.
They attend formal events much more often than we do, seemed very comfortable and she didn’t make a big deal out of not ordering starter, no I’m dieting/I ate a big lunch discourse, just no starter for me thank you. As for being late I think 10 minutes is within an acceptable range and they didn’t have to apologise as we were also just guests and the host would be none the wiser.
Is DH being dramatic?

It is poor to arrive late and not apologise. I think I would have accepted the first course and eaten what I could without shovelling it in.
It was a formal event and as such ten minutes late is a bit rude. They didn’t book a taxi in enough time. A casual event that they were paying for themselves for it would not matter so much.
Your DH needs to speak to your son. Nothing heavy going. But just to explain he felt awkward they didn’t get there when everyone else did. He doesn’t speak to his girlfriend. It was your son that should have made sure they arrived on time.
I assume as guests that this event was all paid for by the relative. So your DH may have been embarrassed on that front.

So they were 40 minutes late? Yes they were rude. If it were my dc I’d tell them that I expect them to apologise to the host.

As for your DH being “uncomfortable”. What a load of old tosh. He was hurt annoyed they were late. Tell him to get a grip.

For all we know they may have apologised to the host, I don’t think it’s our place to tell 2 adults to apologise to the host. They were invited on their own, separate to us and I don’t view them any differently than any of the other guests there.

cant abide any lateness it gives the impression you think your time is more valuable than the person you are meeting but for a formal dinner it’s very poor. If arrival was 6:30 then they were more than 10mins late. I’m not surprised your husband feels embarrassed. Very stressful for the host

DH is being weird - her not eating a starter made HIM uncomfortable? He wanted them to apologise to HIM (I assume, as you've said you don't know if they apologised to the hosts)

Weird behaviour

I have no idea why you think it's okay to be late for a dinner function. No wonder they didn't apologise with the upbringing your son has had.

For all we know they may have apologised to the host, I don’t think it’s our place to tell 2 adults to apologise to the host. They were invited on their own, separate to us and I don’t view them any differently than any of the other guests there.

Why even start this post if you are so insistent they weren’t rude?

It’s a bit weird that a black tie event would go straight to seated meal and they probably (correctly in most cases) assumed that arrival time was give or take a bit, which it should be for a formal event. It’s fine to not order a starter. They should apologise to the host, but that isn’t you. Your Dh is being a bit unnecessarily twitchy about all of this. I wouldn’t say anything.

I loathe people being late, it shows a lack of respect for others who are waiting for them. However, occasional lateness because of traffic issues are excusable. People should not be forcefed starters but it would be polite to apologise to those around you when you arrive.

I can’t bear lateness either, but I was definitely taught that when unavoidably delayed you should slip surreptitiously into your seat causing as little disruption as possible and apologise privately and discreetly to your host later.

That’s ridiculous as well.

Anyone being 40 minutes late would be rude but I wouldn’t know anyone else well enough ti tell them so.

Anyway, this is one of those annoying AIBUs where the op knows with 100% certainty that they are NBU and everyone else Is left wondering why the hell they bothered to post.

OP has updated - it didn't go straight into a seated meal @mindutopia there was a 30 minute window that they also missed

Skipping the starter is fine. Arriving late and not apologising - both show a complete lack of basic manners to be honest. If your view is that its no big deal, then I guess no surprise that your son thinks the same.

My husband would have been furious if I refused the starter that was paid for. He would have wanted me to get it so he could have two 😂 he doesn’t drink so he would have had two starters and me two wines

Well then, they weren't actually late.

No drama.

Being 10 minutes late wouldn’t have been rude.

They were actually 20-40 minutes late which was a little rude.

However it would have been far more rude if they had made a big fuss about apologising. In those circumstance they should have apologised briefly and quietly to the host, ensuring not to disturb him or cause a scene, and slipped quietly into their place at their table causing minimal disruption. It sounds like this is what they did.

Skipping the starter is obviously not rude. Again, it’s about not causing a fuss. If easy to decline it then fine, otherwise accept it and just don’t eat it.

And, as they are grown adults, it is absolutely not for your husband to comment.

Yes it was rude
Yes they should have apologised
but so what? Hardly a big deal is it. It’s hardly like they stood on the table, mooned and farted at the assembled masses is it.

That's irrelevant - but makes it easy to blame the GF. Your DS arrived late and he was the one invited.

Jaw dropping 😂

are you Hyacinth Bucket?

They obviously weren’t raised to have manners, but they are adults now so I’d say no they don’t need a talking to. What’s done is done.

So they didn't leave until the last minute. Careless, , but maybe the host barely noticed.

I'm guessing they won't be invited again.

Yes, they were rude. They were late, but then didn't bother to apologize. Black tie dinners are formal, not casual and not just show up whenever.

Yes they could have apologised to the host but you don’t know if they did or not? I would have apologised for being late
The starter thing is ridiculous, people can eat what they like so your husband expect her to order it then leave it untouched in the plate or maybe eat it to please him and other random people

I go to quite a lot of black tie events for work. There is usually at least one person who turns up late for whatever reason. Most people would discreetly apologise to the host and to their table and crack on.

It's normal and fine for people to skip either the starter or the dessert - if they attend these a lot then they may be trying to keep the calories down. Normally though, they would accept the plate and leave it untouched, nobody would comment on this, and it would be cleared with the other plates.

I would be embarrassed if my son arrived late, and then sat down without apologising to the table. Just an ' I'm so sorry, I totally miscalculated the journey, apologies everyone' would be polite.