AIBU to think arriving late and skipping a course was fine?

[Ellenie]

I will say in advance we don’t tend to do very formal meals all that often in our family or circle so this is an unfamiliar environment to me.

Last night we attended a formal/black tie event, arranged by a relative. A meal followed by a showing of his new creative project then some drinks.

DS and his girlfriend arrived about 10 minutes late to the meal, his girlfriend skipped the started opting for just wine instead. They didn’t apologise for being late just took their seats etc.

DH thinks it was very rude for them to be late, not apologise and for DS’s girlfriend to just have wine when everyone else was eating, as this made him uncomfortable.
He is insistent we should “have a word with them”.

AIBU to think it’s a total non issue, not rude and they were fine, didn’t do anything wrong.
They attend formal events much more often than we do, seemed very comfortable and she didn’t make a big deal out of not ordering starter, no I’m dieting/I ate a big lunch discourse, just no starter for me thank you. As for being late I think 10 minutes is within an acceptable range and they didn’t have to apologise as we were also just guests and the host would be none the wiser.
Is DH being dramatic?

When I'm being very strict with the gym etc I'd definitely be up against whether to have a starter or a glass of wine and not really be keen to have both.

Arrival was from 6.30, meal at 7, plenty of people arrived just at the 7 mark, they arrived about 7.10.

Sounds like a big deal about nothing much. Ten minutes isn't late enough to have to apologise profusely - did the host even notice or care?

So they were more than ten minutes late - I think you have tried to minimise this here

Late with no apology is very rude. Skipping a course is absolutely fine, so long as she did it politely.

Being late because there were transport or cab issues is understandable. It was only 10 mins and hadn't disrupted the event really because the meal hadn't been served etc so that seems fine. And if the gf didn't want to have the starter that seems fair enough and having a glass to wine to sip whilst others are eating seems fine to me. She ate the rest of the meal, maybe she wasnt hungry maybe she didn't like the starter who cares.
DH is far too bothered as he wasnt the host so was not the person to apologise to !

Being late sometimes can't be helped, but not apologising is rude. I'm surprised though that if the invitation said 7pm that at 7.10pm everyone was already sat down and ready for the meal. That's surely quite unusual, unless it's in a restaurant where there's nowhere for a pre-meal mingle/drink.

Not having a starter is a non-issue.

That said, they are adults, and it's not up to you to 'have a word'. Are they regularly late to things? Is that why your DH is so annoyed by it? My sister is always late, and I used to find it quite funny, now it just gets on my nerves a bit!

I guess I don’t class that as late and DH agrees they were only 10 minutes late. It was made very clear you could arrive from 6.30, the meal would start at 7. I’d say a large chunk of people didn’t arrive until 6:55/7, were they also late?

DS’s girlfriend isn’t British, she’s definitely from a culture where start times are more of a suggestion than a rule and it does show sometimes!

Arrival was from 6.30, meal at 7, plenty of people arrived just at the 7 mark, they arrived about 7.10

That's a bit different then - yes, they were rude to be late, and rude not to apologise. They are not 10 minutes late, they are up to 40 minutes late. Problems with traffic and cabs is why there is a 30 minute window built in, which they seem to have ignored

I think a quick sorry we are late is reasonable and it would have irritated me that they didn't say that.

DH is being ridiculous about the starter. Why should the gf eat something she doesn't want. And why would it make someone else uncomfortable.

10 mins isn't long especially if most of the people were still only giving their orders and sorting drinks when they arrived and also most of the other guests only arrived at 7pm, If she didn't want a starter that's ok, you read on here plenty of times about people being greedy fuckers for eating more than one course. I'm sure the host didn't even notice.

Yeah that's different they really were late and had a decent window to arrive, I'd have been apologetic in their ahoesy

I don't think 10 minutes is to bad now if it had been an hour that would of been different. Id expect after 10 minutes people are still getting their jackets of greeting each other getting their seats and getting a drink I wouldn't expect them to be already eating

I would have expected them to apologise to the host for being late, but not to you and your DH. If they did that then it’s not an issue for you to be involved in imo.

No they weren't, they arrived before 7 and were ready to be seated at 7. That's the distinction.
So yes, I agree my wording was not accurate but neither was yours when you stated it was straight into dining on arrival - it wasn't, because those arriving at 6:30 weren't dining until 7 with everyone else.
If it was made clear that the meal started at 7 and there was scope to arrive beforehand and mingle then I still feel it is rude and disrespectful.
The starter thing isn't an issue though

Tell him he can have the talk if he wants to but you are not getting involved.

I think if an invite is from 6.30 with meal at 7 then 7 is the absolute latest you can arrive without apologising because it’s clear by this point people will be sitting down to eat.

I still don’t think you need to have a word though unless it was a particularly sensitive family occasion and the hosts are upset (and even then I’d probably stay out of it)?

Don’t think skipping the starter for a glass of wine is rude - unless I suppose she’d pre ordered a starter and then decided not to bother but definitely not something I’d want to cause a family fall out over.

I never get a starter, I don't enjoy my main if I have one. Your DH is being ridiculous about that. I think he is overreacting about the lateness too, it's not great and an apology would have been polite but it's not something that an adult needs their parents to "have a word" with them about.
Does your DH dislike the GF?

Very rude to be late for a seated dinner. The half hour arrival window is precisely because some people may have trouble with taxis and traffic.

Not rude to not eat something you don't want. But if it a set meal rather than people ordering individually the etiquette is to accept (a small portion if not already plated), and eat a bite or two (or at least look as if you're in the process of trying to but keep getting delayed by the fascinating conversation) rather than just sitting there watching everyone else.

She had one glass of wine in place of the starter

I find this wording strange, was everyone who did have starters not allowed a glass of wine too?

Its fine to not have a starter. It isn't fine to not acknowledge your lateness and apologise for it. It's incredibly poor manners to be late in the first place, irrespective of how much experience you have of formal dinners.

You don't know if they apologised to the host and they didn't need to apologise to you or your DH. I think it would have been good manners to let you know they were delayed if they were sitting beside you and you were distracted watching for their arrival. No starter = non issue.

The people who arrived at 18:55 weren't late but they were lucky. perhaps they arrived later than they anticipated (aimed for 18:40 for example) and it was jolly lucky they had a bit of buffer.

Your son could have benefitted from the same approach.

No one will know of the cab delay was so bad (40mins+) or just a short delay that pushed them over the edge of what is acceptable.

But yes they were indeed rudely late because the dinner started at 19h. They were given a 30 minute window to arrive beforehand and they still missed it.

You and they were guests, it would be polite if they apologised to the host. It is not really up to you or DH to give them a telling off is it?