AIBU to think arriving late and skipping a course was fine?

[Ellenie]

I will say in advance we don’t tend to do very formal meals all that often in our family or circle so this is an unfamiliar environment to me.

Last night we attended a formal/black tie event, arranged by a relative. A meal followed by a showing of his new creative project then some drinks.

DS and his girlfriend arrived about 10 minutes late to the meal, his girlfriend skipped the started opting for just wine instead. They didn’t apologise for being late just took their seats etc.

DH thinks it was very rude for them to be late, not apologise and for DS’s girlfriend to just have wine when everyone else was eating, as this made him uncomfortable.
He is insistent we should “have a word with them”.

AIBU to think it’s a total non issue, not rude and they were fine, didn’t do anything wrong.
They attend formal events much more often than we do, seemed very comfortable and she didn’t make a big deal out of not ordering starter, no I’m dieting/I ate a big lunch discourse, just no starter for me thank you. As for being late I think 10 minutes is within an acceptable range and they didn’t have to apologise as we were also just guests and the host would be none the wiser.
Is DH being dramatic?

For my own info - at what point in the evening should they have apologised for their lateness? Announce it out loud to all present, or pull the hosts aside later and say sorry then?
Genuinely don't know. I have never ever been to a black tie event 😀

In that case, yes it was rude to arrive when guests were already seated

IME it would be unusual to turn up at 6.30 on the dot, but about 10-15 minutes before the start time for the meal would have done the job

Being late and saying nowt is rude.

But whats more concerning is him wanting to control what others eat.

For all we and the OP know they did apologise to the host, just not the table. Bad form to not utter the usual “sorry, traffic” as they sat down but it’s not like anyone was eating yet so maybe they didn’t see the need.

Perhaps the starter was something that the gf couldn’t stand and therefore wasn’t even able to sit with it in front of her, we don’t know. Either way, skipping a course had absolutely naff all to do with OP’s husband and the fact that he’s moaning about it making him “uncomfortable” is laughable.

Gosh it sounds as though the apple didn't fall far from the tree here if you don't think they were rude for being late and not apologising.

You should apologise to the people at the same table as you as soon as you arrive. You apologise to the host whenever you are talking to them, probably during the mingling section later.

Arriving late is rude if it’s a formal invite.

Not apologising is rude if you’re late.

Not having a starter is fine if you’ve apologised for being late.

The OP has already said she has no idea if they apologised to the host. Her OH was pissed because they did not apologise to HIM!

I agree with you. Not a big deal.

The later you are, the more important it is to minimise the disruption (ie don’t take up people’s time by drawing attention to yourself via an apology). However you should always quietly snd sincerely apologise to your host, at the right time when you are not disturbing them.

The height of bad manners would be ricking up an hour and a half late and declaring it to the room along with a 5 minute monologue on what had caused it.

So what does your DH say when you explain they may well have apologised?
The discomfort caused by the girlfriend not having a starter is a bit odd, presumably she declined with a minimum of fuss.

Saying it was rude to politely decline a starter is ridiculous.
Your husband sounds very controlling trying to dictate what a grown adult eats.

I’m never late but I’d rather have another glass of gin than a dessert

A massive faff about nothing. I’m sure the host was delighted they turned up, even if they were a bit late.

By "We should have a word with them" does he mean "you should have a word with them"? If he wants to say something then let him, but an adult telling off another adult for doing something a way he doesn't like is really weird. In what way does it affect him? Is being late rude? Yes. Is it none of your business? Also yes.

I agree.

Ten minutes late is hardly anything. Gosh, the meal service must have been robotically efficient if they missed ordering the starter because they were just ten minutes late!

Arriving late without apologising is obviously rude ,but the starter/wine issue is not rude.In fairness they may have apologised to the host at some point ,perhaps you didnt hear it.
They are adults and its not your place to mention to them.

But it is your place to raise your child with manners. Of course their behaviour wasn't "fine"! If your DS is unaware that he should arrive on time (trouble getting a cab and a bit of traffic really isn't an acceptable excuse - those sorts of mild delays should be anticipated and they should have left a bit earlier) and, if late, apologise to the host and other guests, then I think you should mention it. Your DS's girlfriend was rude to sit there and drink during starters. If she didn't like it or wasn't hungry, she should have accepted the plate, had a small amount and left the rest.

I'm going to go against the grain and say it was fine. I would always be ten minutes or so late for this sort of thing as you can't exactly turn up early. It's very unusual to be seated for a meal at the time an event starts - there would usually be drinks beforehand. Maybe they apologised discreetly later?

They’re mid 20s. It’s not up to OP or her DH to say anything, any more than it would be up to OP’s son to tell his parents off for something he deemed rude.

Adults make their own decisions.

I agree. They were way more than 10 mins late.

If food hadn't been served it doesn't seem much of an issue to me

I find it strange that you don't know whether they apologized to the host or not. If it was one of my children I would know that they apologized as I brought them up with manners and the first thing they would do is apologize for being late.

And again like most if not all have said nothing wrong with skipping a course but not having basic manners, I can't abide

This. They weren’t ten minutes late…
Breezing in without an apology is very rude.

How big was the event? If there were lots of people there I doubt very much the host even noticed, and I think it would be ruder to make a big hoo-ha about apologising about nothing much when he is trying to enjoy the evening. It's like people who make a big thing of leaving early and in doing so spoil the party- better to do it discreetly.

A quick "sorry we're late, terrible traffic" as he sat down might have been ok, but it's not a big deal. The most important thing at big events is being a good guest once you are there- adding to the fun rather than taking it away by making a big show of apologising.

OTOH if there were only 8 people all at one table then a quick apology to the host would be good, but literally a quick "sorry, dreadful traffic" not "mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa". The rudest thing you can do at an event is kill the vibe through this sort of thing.

Anyway, just spotted that you don't know whether he apologised or not so definitely just leave it. Your son is an adult!