Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

[Familygal1]

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

It's not unpleasant, more the truth.
@Familygal1 hasn't stated what the holiday was but I would guess this would appear more interesting than a 2 hour (max) get together with cousins which can happen any time.

I wonder what she would have done if it was reverse?

I think there is likely to be a bigger back story to this, but on the face of it, yeah it's annoying thet agreed to it, but as it was only something small that could be done any time then I can see why they went for the holiday.

It's not unpleasant, more the truth.

No it's not the truth! It' s your OPINION.

YABU. 4 children does not really make a ''birthday party''. It was just a very small group. You should have invited more children - then an absence of one child would not have been such a disaster. Your relative probably thought her child would hardly be missed at a ''real party''.

I understand why you are annoyed but equally this sounds like a huge overreaction, particularly when you all see eachother multiple times a week. Your child won't remember this and will presumably be seeing their cousin in the next few days anyway?

Move on with your lives

If they had accepted the invite then it is poor form to make alternative plans at the last minute, so I do get you being disappointed/upset. However, and I say this kindly, this won’t be the last time that children that have been invited to your DCs parties end up not attending, not RSVPing, dropping out last minute, so I think you need to use this as an opportunity to build some resilience to these kind of situations. Even more so given there is a family connection involved.

In your shoes, I’d suggest you unblock and when the relative is back from their break away, get some time for a face to face to clear the air where you can honestly and openly express how hurt you were personally and on behalf of your DC. Then draw a line under it and move on - I’m sure there will be plenty of future birthday gatherings that everyone will be able to attend and celebrate as a family.

Shame there isn't a poll.

I agree with most. The parents shouldn't have let the child drop out, once they'd agreed to her coming BUT your response is ridiculous.

Most people would have been annoyed and disappointed, but got on with the party and left it at that. Your actions are completely OTT.

Wow. You sound like such hard work!

If you have a small party you do so knowing life happens - any of those kids, including yours, could have come down with sickness and had to miss it.

It's all so dramatic, honestly.

I can't believe you're sending angry messages and blocking people over such small issues.

Storm in a teacup ☕️

Annoying, but not worth all this drama.

The unblocking will only work though won’t it if the relative hasn’t noticed the blocking and either blocked back or deleted!

The thing is you mention you meet up several times a week with the children so I am not sure that this 'party' would have been seen as anything too different to normal.
It wasn't like you had paid for a party at a venue, it was food and games at yours.

What you were doing sounds more like the kind of tea party you might do with just the parents or maybe invite grandparents round for a piece of cake.

As someone else said, only inviting the cousins could have meant that neither attended had one been ill.
Surely doing something small scale like this is usually intended as a low key event.

Also wondering whether your weekend plans involve a proper party for your child you aren't mentioning?

That was a really long and detailed post for a short story.

yes be pissed off but then move on, don’t cut off contact with your close relatives!

I dont see why this had to end up being so dramatic, it is out of proportion to normal thinking

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I dont understand why you didn't express your disappointment to the child's parents yourself before they left, and not simply tell the family member (sounds like your mother) that was taking the child you were upset. Ultimately it is the responsibility of the parents to decide if their child (your niece) goes off for a day/sleepover or whatever.

Who is the relative? Fine if you don't want to say, but if it's the grandmother, she might be genuinely worried about the niece whose "parents don't want to parent" and "play computer games all day", and worry that if she doesn't do what they tell her, she'll lose all chance of contact with the girl, leaving her more at risk.
While it's rude and annoying a kid missed your child's birthday, what is far more serious here is parents who do nothing but play computer games and don't want to parent-if things are as you say, that's what would bother me.

The parents shouldn't have changed their plans (and should have let you know in any event).

But you've been massively unreasonable and inappropriate with this other relative. Getting angry with them and saying she was taking "bull". You owe that relative a big apology.

You need to get a grip and stop over reacting.

Devastated… over a no show at a kids party. It’s feel extreme and is this really what you want to teach your child? Plans do change and we can adapt and enjoy the company of those who do show up.

I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset.

They said themselves ' there's no reason she (niece) needs to come with me. What can I do now I've said I'd take her?'

OP, you're scapegoating this relative after they refused to take on this issue between other adults as their own to solve.

The parents knew about the party and had accepted an invitation. They asked another relative to take their youngest away for the weekend and chose not to say anything to you, the person they had committed to. The other relative agreed and then gave you a heads up. That was an opportunity for you and your niece's parents - all grown adults - to sort this out between yourselves. It was not this other relative's job to force any of you to be considerate, to decide who has to attend what commitment, or to otherwise mediate the conflict. They declined to take ownership of something that wasn't their responsibility. And they are continuing to hold that line even as you go on making them the target of your anger while letting the parents off the hook.

Don't blow up your relationship with this other relative or your child's relationship with their cousin over this. Talk to the parents about it if you're still upset, then let it go.

Disappointment I understand, and I'd be eye-rolly about the parents, though also understand the desire to some have a toddler free time, as it's a bit rude.

But it's a toddler party and they will have all forgotten about it in a few weeks.

You seem to be making too big a deal of it.

Why wasn't this close family member also invited to the birthday party? Or the parents? Toddler parties tend to have the whole family there from both sides, not just the children. Or is that just me that has the adults too?

You over reacted OP. Sure, feel hurt and let down but to do which you did is a little extreme.

They were rude initially yes, but your complete over reaction and nasty comments about the reasons for letting their child go away make you much worse.

I'd be upset too @Familygal1 and while I probably wouldn't have blocked, I don't think there is anything wrong with addressing your hurt with the persons concerned. As this was a preschoolers party, I don't know why the "going away" couldn't have waited a few hours and been after the party? It seems mean-spirited to deliberately take the child away on the same day as the party, but I'm not clear on whether this was the fault of the parents or the other person.

Either way, it was unkind to just not go to a small child's birthday party, especially when they're a close relative.

Am I right, the person who is getting most of the blame from you is not the parent of the niece who didn't come, but the relative who was asked to babysit her? That seems a bit bonkers if so. Even if she had passed something on to the parents, you don't know whether they would have changed their minds about farming their child out to her. She was just stuck in the middle of this, so I really don't see how it's somehow become all her fault. This is very much a case of Shoot the messenger.