Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

[Familygal1]

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

I think most of us would feel like you, but not let it out, because of all the shit it will cause, which will splatter on you, as “the villain”.
I feel for you. You just let the truth out and showed how rightfully angry and hurt you were over you and your family being so casually dismissed by people who are family with cousins who are friends.

Very poor behaviour from your sister OP.
I don’t really know what to suggest but by getting angry and writing rude messages you will create a rift - is that what you want?

A birthday for a preschooler can’t honestly be thought of as a “milestone”, surely?

I do feel rather sorry for those kids though if the parents are going to game while their six -year-old is on YouTube and gaming in their bedroom!

Maybe your relative (quite rightly) did not think it was her place to say anything and thought you would address it with your brother/ sister and leave them out of it LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WOULD. Why are you displacing your anger onto them and not your sibling?

I guess they didn’t really see it as a party, more a little play date, so had no idea you would be so caught up with it.

Any chance you’ve been judgemental to them in the past, so they don’t feel thrilled at the thought of hanging out with you?

She knew about the party. I'd make a cake and sorted a few party games and prizes etc. as she knew how important it was to me. I know it was a really small gathering but I still put a lot of thought and effort into it only to be let down the morning of. No warning and no consideration for me or my child.

The parent accepted the invitation. Its bad form to ditch and accept a better offer once you've made a commitment.

I think your response is extreme and misdirected. I wouldnt have said anything to the better offer person. They didn't make the commitment. You need to address it with the parents. However, throwing your toys out of the pram and blocking people is redicand very immature behaviour.

For those wondering about ages: both birthday child and niece are preschoolers / nursery aged. Older sibling and cousin and both KS1 aged. My younger child and niece spend lots of time together and I was hurt she wouldn't be there.

I'm afraid no one sees a child's birthday party as a priority

Saying " I'm sorry you feel like that" by way of apology is passive-aggressive,avoidant bullshit- no wonder you're cheesed off.
It's totally unacceptable to renege on plans like this- it wasn't a casual arrangement, so your relatives are flakey as .

Was your child upset?

The other adults in this scenario must have known it was your child's actual birthday. And having agreed that both cousins would be helping him celebrate it on the day it was really strange behaviour to take one of the cousins away.
Unless something else was going on that you don't know about I don't understand this last minute change in plan. Very rude and unpleasant behaviour anddismissive of your child and of you OP.

I can understand why you are upset.

Would you prefer that the child in question missed out on a holiday just so it could attend a small party at your house for a couple of hours? It was unfortunate timing but I think a holiday trumps a party.

It’s not really a party with only 2 invited guests. More like a very casual last min idea & keeping things low key. It wouldn’t have occurred to anyone else that this was a big deal. They didn’t mean to upset you.

Mate, they’re toddlers. Sorry but this is crazy

Absolutely devastated? You’re going to have a tough time parenting over the next 20 years if this situation devastates you. Honestly what a total over reaction

There’s an awful lot of reference to yourself in this post, how hurt you are, how much it meant to you.

im wondering whether you’ve built this party up too much and lost sense that it’s for your preschooler who wouldn’t have noticed.

i get your disappointment. I agree it was rude. But I can’t see this as anything other than a dramatic over reaction. Or is there history that has caused this to be the straw that broke the camels back?

So now you never want contact with them again?
What's the point of blocking them?
I think it was good that you voiced your hurt the first time, even the 2nd time, but that was enough.
You made things worse now...

But this idea of a party for 4 children doesn't really sound much fun, so I can see why it didn't seem to matter much to let your niece go away instead (presumably doing something fun).
The little party you had planned could be held at any time.
You are disappointed but I doubt your child would be. You did it on that day because the weekend wasn't convenient for you, likewise the weekday turned out to be not convenient for them. I am sure you could host another cousin get together and play the games you wanted to.
It might be better to scale up and invite grandparents and any other relatives along to give it more of a party feel though rather than a cousin playdate.

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words and compassion. You've hit the nail on the head with how I'm feeling.

Thank you. I think lots of the comments on here lack empathy. I'm not trying to be a drama queen, just genuinely feeling hurt, disappointed and dismissed.

Kindly, OP, you’re going to be in for a rough ride over the next 15 years if you let every real or perceived sleight get to you this way. You’ll spend your life erupting at people for all sorts of reasons. Yes, they were rude, but you’ve given them an excuse to take the moral high ground by behaving like one of them had stolen your one true love.

I realise this may not be the case and I’m reading too much into it but how your post read to me with the last min taking the child so parents can have a break, having not thought about the birthday, apologising but not really engaging too much (“I’m sorry you feel that way”) - vibes I’m getting is there’s something else going on. Maybe the birthday isn’t a big deal to them because something that is a bigger deal is their priority right now.

This would be so much easier to follow without all the needless attempts to anonymise who people are.

But this idea of a party for 4 children doesn't really sound much fun,

It might not sound like much fun to you but it obviously was what OP thought her child would enjoy on the day!

Perhaps the type of celebration you count as fun wouldn't be fun for OP and her child.

I can't believe the unpleasant attitude of some of the pp on this thread.