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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Urgent help needed please

44 replies

WingingItSince1973 · Yesterday 08:37

I'll try and be brief but I do have older posts on here if anyone needs background. So my daughter has a 10 year son who has been through so much in his short life. Abusive dad and then abusive step dad. Been hell. She got with another man two years ago. He had been in prison for domestic violence and the judge even said he was a dangerous man. She tried to reassure me he wasn't like that and it was a mistake. They got a private rent house together and he was now I see love bombing her and gs being the amazing partner and ,'stepfather'. My dgs had only just settled in school after years of school anxiety (he was on child protection from age 8 months to 2 years old because of his dad and we were asked to be his kin ship carer) My daughter seemed really settled, good well paying job etc. She had a baby 9 weeks ago and from a few weeks after the birth he has started being abusive. Refusing to help with baby, calling her the worst names possible in text and shouting them to her face. My dgs also told me he's been so scared in his house due to this man shouting at my DD even with the baby near her. So he was meant to leave today and it's all kicked off. My dgs has been staying with me because he's too scared to be in the house with her partner. My DD called me in the week sobbing because he'd kicked off and she couldn't take it anymore. So my dgs refused to go home this morning to get changed for school. He's had a few days off sick. He's also being bullied at school and is so anxious. I asked my DD if the partner was there and she said no but the way she was texting me I felt like she was lying. My dgs went home (it's a two min walk I can see her house from here) and the partner was there and immediately started on dgs so he ran back to mine. The partner was meant to be moving out today but he apologised to my DD and dgs on Wednesday which I saw coming and I don't think he is actually leaving today. My DD keeps messaging me that I need to send him home but he's refusing and now shes phoning me playing everything down and saying she hates me and will never confide in me again. It's been a very strained relationship since dgs was born and shes made some stupid decisions which has been negative to my dgs. I'm being made out now that I'm spoiling dgs. She's demanding him home that hes a child and needs to do what he's told. I'm doubting myself. Please pleas help

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · Yesterday 08:40

You need to report this urgently as a safeguarding concern. Both those children are at serious risk of harm.

professionalcommentreader · Yesterday 08:43

Do a Clare’s Law, you know his history but that’ll get the Police involved, are any other services involved?

seriouslynonames · Yesterday 08:43

I am so sorry this is happening. I don't have any helpful advice as I am no expert on domestic abuse situations. I would suggest you keep your grandson with you if he is too scared to go home, and perhaps call women's aid or even police non emergency number for some advice on what you can do. Also might be worth letting school know more about what's going on so they can help protect your grandson. I am wondering how safe the baby is in this situation. I hope someone else can come along with more useful advice. Clearly you already know your daughter needs to get herself and her two children away from this man but it seem that she is not yet ready to do that. I hope she can see you are only doing your best to protect your grandson. Best wishes xx

weeat · Yesterday 08:46

protect your grandson at all costs, try to extract your daughter. Report a safeguarding concern. Don’t doubt yourself, the guy is scum. Get her out if you can.

blunderbuss12 · Yesterday 08:48

Well done for stepping up for your grandkids, even if your dd might not see it as 'right' at the moment, we all do

I'd contact police and then the DSL (designated safeguarding lead) at grandkids school. They might not be able to do huge amounts on their own today, but yours won't be the first situation like this they've dealt with and you need somebody to talk to as you can't shoulder all this alone

Holdonforsummer · Yesterday 08:50

I’m sorry you’re going through this but I agree - you need to report this situation. Domestic violence often escalated in pregnancy, just after birth. And the most dangerous time for a woman/child is when a relationship is breaking down and they try to leave. Google your local children’s social services department and there should be a number to call to report a concern. You can chat to a social worker about it. If you are really worried about this escalating (or he makes any threats), call the police. Good luck.

Grumpynan · Yesterday 08:50

You need to make a few phone calls I’m afraid. The children have to come first.

keep your grandson at yours today, he will be to upset to go to school and tbh they could collect him the moment you drop him off, he’s safer with you.

call 101 and explain what’s happening and tell them you are concerned for the baby and your daughter.

it may well cause issues with your daughter, but she’s a grown up it’s the the children who need help first, get them out of there is your priority

missedtherainbow · Yesterday 08:51

You must contact your local authority children services immediately. Your daughter is choosing violent dangerous men over her children. You can be there for your daughter if and when she decides to get rid of him but the immediate safety of those young children must come first.
the LA/social services can intervene and offer your daughter different options including the Freedom programme but she needs to be ready to make that choice, you need to be the one to step in and make that choice for your grandchildren for their own safety and wellbeing.

CoverLikelyZebra · Yesterday 08:59

Make sure police are involved and getting the children out of danger.

Make an urgent court application to have all the children removed from your DDs care and placed under your care because she is not capable of keeping them safe with a string of relationships with violent abusive men and a clear inability to protect the children from these men. You need to be the children's primary carer and guardian amd the men need to be excluded from approaching your home and only have supvervised contact in a safe environment. Your DD can live with you and be part of her kids lives if and only if she puts them first and stops putting her love life first. She should enrol in the "Freedom Programme" to learn why she is attracted tosuch awful men and learn how to stop.

If you cannot provide a home for the children they should be taken into care because your DD cannot keeo them safe.

CornishPorsche · Yesterday 09:10

Call the police and report the domestic abuse including child abuse. Especially that the 10yo had run out of the house in terror more than once.

Call social services and report the same things.

Your daughter is in a grossly abusive relationship and needs help. She cannot do this without intervention.

Swiftie1878 · Yesterday 09:15

Keep your dgs with you. Call SS for your DD and her new baby.

Endofyear · Yesterday 09:33

I'm afraid everyone on this thread is right - you need to involve police and social services urgently as the children are at risk. Your daughter is prioritising a violent dangerous man over her children's safety and that cannot be allowed to continue. Keep your grandson with you and call 999 if they turn up to try and take him.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · Yesterday 09:36

Thank you. I know what I have to do but it would cause a permanent rift. I've been in this position before with her ex where my dgs was too scared to go home. She's managed to persuade him to goto school today because he has Sats and I really wished I kept him here. He will be here after school and for the foreseeable future if the partner doesn't leave. The family of this man is a very close knit all stick together type and the mum is good friends with my DD so she's been playing it all down. I messaged her a few days ago to make sure she knew the situation and she just said I was making her son out to be a monster and it wasn't the case. I'm really doubting myself and my actions. I have phoned the school before when she was with her previous partner but they said they couldn't do anything and id have to make MASH report myself. We had social services involved years ago and I must admit I'm scared this will blow up badly. The baby is 9 weeks old.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · Yesterday 09:55

SATs were last week? Monday 11th to Thurs 14th. Is she lying to coerce you?

Dontcallmescarface · Yesterday 10:02

As hard as it is OP you have to make the phone calls. Yes your DD will probably hate you for it (for a while anyway), but which is worse, having to cope with her hate or stand at your DGc's and her graves in the future?

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · Yesterday 10:09

Swiftie1878 · Yesterday 09:55

SATs were last week? Monday 11th to Thurs 14th. Is she lying to coerce you?

I thought they were done as well but he has a writing part to do that I think he missed. She's messaged to say he's gone in ok and she's spoken to the teacher about the bullying but obviously she won't say about what's happening at home.

OP posts:
CornishPorsche · Yesterday 10:15

Fuck worrying about blowing this up or causing a permanent rift - this is much too dangerous to leave alone.

There is a 9 week old baby in the house with an abusive man, a woman who is post partum trapped in the same house as her tiny baby and the abusive man, and a 10yo who is stuck with them all.

You are being much much too passive here. Your long term relationship with your daughter is already fucked up. She's had three abusive relationships on the bounce and she cannot extract herself from this man. She needs help and you cannot provide it - she needs formal intervention from police and social services.

WingingItSince1973 · Yesterday 10:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn by MNHQ

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · Yesterday 10:16

CornishPorsche · Yesterday 10:15

Fuck worrying about blowing this up or causing a permanent rift - this is much too dangerous to leave alone.

There is a 9 week old baby in the house with an abusive man, a woman who is post partum trapped in the same house as her tiny baby and the abusive man, and a 10yo who is stuck with them all.

You are being much much too passive here. Your long term relationship with your daughter is already fucked up. She's had three abusive relationships on the bounce and she cannot extract herself from this man. She needs help and you cannot provide it - she needs formal intervention from police and social services.

You're absolutely right. I'm trying to be very proactive but I am doubting myself I know

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · Yesterday 10:23

OP, don’t doubt yourself. For whatever reason, your Dd seems to be attracted to abusive men, but your DGC don’t have to suffer because of this. How would you feel if something were to happen to that poor defenceless babe? Get in touch with the police and SS and tell them your concerns.

Endofyear · Yesterday 10:24

Please stop trying to manage this yourself and speak to the police and social services. If it causes a rift, that is not on you. You need to act immediately for your grandchildren's safety.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · Yesterday 10:27

So I've spoken to 101 and waiting a call back as they were busy. I spoke to a lady first who put me through and then was told I'll have a call back. You're all absolutely right and if it was me reading this I'd say exactly the same. Also I think I've deleted older posts about my DD and dgs.

OP posts:
Spanglemum02 · Yesterday 10:31

You need to get children's services involved again, for the baby. Does this man have any other children? You need to keep hold of your grandson.
Also are his family lilely to cause you any problems? You might want to have a conversation with the police.

Weeellokthen · Yesterday 10:36

Do not doubt yourself op. If you can get him away from this man AND his stupid, selfish "mother".

user1492757084 · Yesterday 10:39

A permanant rift would be best.
You need to step up and be the main carer for your GS. His mother has her hands full and keeps choosing dangerous situations.

Contact the local Police and report the fact that your DD and a new baby are both in fear if their lives. Ask the Police to insist that the Partner leaves the house.

Ask them to take out a AVO on the violent man.. He is violent. He is evil. I hope your DD has not put him on the birth certificate of her new child.

Every time your DD invites him back, report the safety of the baby. Keep GS with you.
Be his safe rock.