To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

I don’t know what ‘me’ time is any more. I don’t know who I am. Ive changed careers, lost weight, learnt to play an instrument, but nothing gives me joy as it’s just treading water before the next crisis. My brain is always elsewhere worrying about them. I get no peace.

It is extremelly extremelly hard. You need to try finding a respite for yourself - smth you love doing.
On top of that, you need to look for support for your children. Disruptive and all comes from unmet needs, telling you as a mother of an adhd child.

You are very much not alone, OP. Sending hugs x

OMGosh, this is heart wrenching. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds as though you are at the very end of being able to cope with it all. Please please do not sink. Do not shut down. You can do this, you can handle this, you can find a way. The biggest things that you've done today is to post on MN about your feelings, which must have taken immense courage. I can't say anything useful, but hopefully you can get some wider words than mine.

Hang on.

Have you been to therapy?

Education and services make it unnecessarily harder. Everything is a fight, then you need to remind them, then they withdraw the support and gaslight you, you are accused of it all being your fault and you are a shit parent. If they don't behave at home it is your fault. If they don't behave at school it is also your fault. It is never schools fault for not meeting their needs until they want to get rid of you, then all of a sudden they can't meet their needs and you are off rolled as soon as possible. They won't even do the free stuff, like not require homework. or not punish an autistic 5 year old for not doing homework.

You are accused as making it up, fabricating their illness, they do not behave like that at school but you know they do as they are always complaining about it but then do not put it in the report and insinuate it is a parenting problem. If you are unlucky you will be one of the ones who gets reported to social services. (Heard too many stories on the SEN circuit) It's worse if you are not white, not middle class and not married.

You are accused of being a scrounge and only seeking diagnosis to claim benefits. Expected to attend all meetings and pick up the child at the drop of a hat but also a no good work-shy, benefit scrounger.

If your kid is violent the only help offered is call the police. Not therapy, not reasonable adjustments at school, not respite, not support. Caamhs are as useless as a chocolate fireguard in many cases.

13 is a tricky age. It might get better. (crosses four pairs of fingers and crosses the crossed pairs. Hypermobility!)

I’m so sorry to hear this. Kids are hard work, extremely hard work. They can take every ounce of you & you still show up. It’s ALOT. I don’t have much advice to give you, other than unless someone has walked a mile in your shoes, not even a similar situation, IN YOUR SHOES, do not let anyone judge you. It takes guts to admit you’re struggling! I hope brighter days are ahead for you.

I am doing everything I can to support them, I’m getting them all the support they are entitled to. I’m fighting to get my eldest a place at an online private school as he can’t cope with the school environment. The youngest I moved him to a small school when he got his EHCP. It’s not for the want of trying.

Other people might have easier children but it sounds as if you and your partner are both good people and on the same page . You are doing the right thing and you love and are loved . In time that will mean something even if it seems tough now

I do feel your pain but there’s no point wishing you can go back and change things when you can’t - this attitude makes life so much more difficult.

You have to change your mind set.
Your DCs aren’t going to magically become different kids but it makes a massive difference to how you view your life.

You can’t do anything about it, they’re there and not going anywhere.
You need to focus on their positives and a way to manage.

I think you and your DH need a life outside of your kids.
You could get some mum friends going through the same thing but it might be better to have a hobby that doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Even just 1 evening a week each can make a big difference.

I had a baby as a teen. I was a single parent with no support from the dad or my family.
I have often wished I didn’t have my baby as it was so difficult and my friends were out enjoying themselves and I was struggling with PND, stretch marks, dirty nappies and no sleep.
I think it’s fine to sometimes wish you had a different life but dwelling on it doesn’t help.
At the end of the day, having my child was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I agree with this. Screen time needs to be limited with children.

How do they respond to physical activity? Not at a competitive level but just getting out on their bikes with you?

Oh, OP. I feel for you, I really do. Absolutely no judgement here. I didn't want kids either, one of the reasons being that I knew I could not cope if they had a disability. My husband felt the same, luckily, or I might easily have ended up in your shoes. And like you, I would have regretted it all and hated it. I think it's only human to think the way you do when you have such challenges at home. You're a person. And people have needs and dreams, and they get tired and hopeless. You're not a robot-angel.

Are there any facilities for autistic boys where they they could go and stay for a week here and there, to give you respite? Or any such where they stay there in the week and come home at weekends? It sounds like you've reached your coping limit, and who could blame you.

Since the eldest is 13, I suppose you'll have to start thinking about what his eventual adult life might look like. The important thing is surely to set them up in such a way that their lives will continue uninterrupted if anything happens to you and your husband. For example, I know someone who has an adult disabled sister in her fifties. She doesn't have autism (she has Trisomy 13). She lives in a small group home where there are staff, and she works in a shop. It's sheltered accommodation, really.

I know that sheltered accommodation isn't what you're looking at right now, but they'll be finished school before you know it. If you have a plan for their adulthood (assuming they can't go to uni), then maybe it will all seem more manageable now.

I know I would hate to have such difficult children. I would feel exactly the same as you, and I think that many, many people who won't admit it would, too. You are not alone.

Hugs xxxx 💐

I’ve been where you are OP, well not quite as eldest is autistic & younger one has adhd. For me it did get better but I was on antidepressants for years. They helped take the edge of & kept me on an even keel. Sadly my marriage didn’t survive but I felt a little less helpless. Hang in there 💐

I completely understand why you feel this way. What would say is that I’ve seen posts on SEN boards here where things suddenly do improve in late teens or early 20s. But I understand why you can’t hold on to that.

I have no DC but I have been in that can’t focus on anything for myself and the constant worry and failure to relax. Going against the normal yoga or meditation for relaxing, I would urge you to go the other way. Something more like spinning or squash or something where you are physically exhausting yourself or distracting yourself to the point your mind is too busy looking for the ball and feeling like you are going to die to worry about anything else. Sometimes it’s nice to take a break mentally and that was the only way I could do it at one point.

I just have sympathy, you sound like an amazing, proactive, protective mum who loves her boys very much. I'm sorry it's so hard.

We have built a bungalow at the bottom of the garden aware one (if not both) boys may need a soft launch or even longer term accommodation where they can still have their space. We do care. I love both boys very much. But I still don’t see what’s in it for me - I wonder what my life would be like if I’d have stuck to my guns instead if thinking - maybe children would be nice.

I honestly think you need mental health help ( I’m not saying this in an unkind way ) that is not a normal feeling to feel for a long time towards your kids . I have 2 children with special needs , one severely autistic now a young adult needs care all the time , very hard to please on verbal etc and I still love him non stop and unconditionally , the other is a bright 10 year old very smart struggling makes friends but very kind and she is just brilliant some times and I’ve been proud of her many times . I have 2 more kids too and 2 step kids they all had their faults but I still love them to bits . What you feel is completely alien to me if im
honest .
Maybe it’s because as you say you never wanted kids and you feel so resentful.
I adore my kids , I also have a great job I love and amazing husband but my kids are my world and I never loved anyone as much as them

I felt like you until I started HRT. Perimenopause and 10 years of SEND parenting were a savage combination. I felt like I’d got nothing left to give anyone anymore and that I’d failed at everything and didn’t know who I was any more. HRT gave me back a sense of hope.

Take a step back.

You have neurodivergent kids. The rules change.

What DO they thrive at?

Then start with the unrealistic. If money was no question, what would your life look like if you could do whatever you wanted so that your kids thrived?

You're stressing out and feeling low because you're trying to mould them into the shoes that a neurotypical child would walk.

Life is for living, so maybe start thinking about a completely different way of doing life. I have an autistic child and it is hard. Utterly draining at times. Sometimes you need to look for other ways to approach things.

That sounds really difficult. Even for people who craved the idea of having children, having children with SEND is really tasking.
What sort of help do you have? any respite? Can they access any local groups for children with additional needs to help with their social life?
Try not to take it to heart. Some teenagers with plenty of friends still make those complaints.

Sorry I can’t help you but just to let know that I hear you and I understand. 💐

I’m on anti depressants and have been for years. I had awful post natal depression for 3 years after my eldest was born. I’ve never really been the same since.

Can you not leave and pay child support?

I say this as an autistic mum to A very challenging autistic teen I love very much , planned and wanted. Just because you're A woman no one should judge you for doing what's best for you all. A man wouldn't think twice.

I could never leave them. I’m their world. I’m the only one that gets them. It doesn’t make it any easier day to day though

You have to let go of the idea of a ‘normal’ life. You won’t get it and pining after it will only make you more miserable. However you should allow yourself time to wallow in sadness but thrm move on and control the things you can