To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

You don't deserve a kicking. It's the last thing you deserve. You deserve some time to yourself and to be looked after for once. Agree with the poster who said that you should leave the boys with your husband at least once a week and go and do something nice for yourself.
And it's absolutely possible to love your children with every fibre of your being and to wish you hadn't had children. I hope things get easier, OP.

I hear you, I have no advice- my DD is older, mh issues, years of self harm, an eating disorder, drink, drugs, multiple boyfriends, going out and disappearing all night, I could go on - the last 5 years I have been in a constant state of anxiety with heightened responses and stressed out of my mind. My marriage has nearly ended twice because of her and her temper/ aggression.

My only saving grace is that somehow she has held down a job for 18 months. It’s the only thing I cling onto. Like you, I love her so much…. but good god its been awful.

I am just so sorry its so hard for you, you are a fantastic mum who is absolutely doing her best!!

So hard isn't it. I am kinship carer for ND grandson and there are times I just want to walk away. I won't.
What help are you getting ? You are clearly depressed please reach out to the GP and you must see what support services are available in your area.

Your boys deserve the best version of you. And you deserve to be happy too.
X

I feel your pain Op.

it’s a thankless job and I wish I hadn’t had any either.

This
My heart goes out to you OP. Moment by moment. I don't have anything to say except to offer solidarity.

Can your GP help with some sort of respite or medical support or both? I hope I have expressed that sensitively. I mean that you are clearly absolutely exhausted and need help. I’m sorry OP.

I just wanted to say what a lovely response and much better than I could have written.

So sorry OP 😔 xx

As neuro divergence is normally genetic, have you considered whether you may also be neuro divergent and that may be making your struggle even harder. It took our kids being diagnosed for us to look at ourselves and realise where they got it from.

As a mum to 3 children who are neuro divergent, I just wanted to say you're spot on with your answer, it's all about seeing what they can do, and taking pride in the smallest achievements. Their achievements are there if you take a step back & look even things like getting their own clothes on or brushing their teeth on their own, eating something that they don't normally eat are all achievements! And the way I look at it you have to give yourself a break too, you have to take a break sometimes and do something for you otherwise you having nothing left to give others.

I don't want to drive the knife in. But have you really 'poured so much in' given you admit you didn't want them? I'm sure that will have influenced how you parent them right from the off, the fact that fundamentally you didn't want children.
You say your youngest is very loving but you have nothing like school awards/sports achievements etc to feel proud of, it feels like all you want from them is achievements to validate you rather than.... Well, love? As a parent I would rather have a loving child than one who was a super duper high achiever type?
Please note I'm not trying to 'blame' you for your situation more just wondering if your underlying start position here of not actually wanting children is influencing all of it.

I wish more people would realise that having kids is a massive, massive throw of the dice. Parenting moulds the edges but fundamentally the person/people you get are what you get. You can’t change them - people like OP didn’t f*ck up, she just got a crap hand compared to most others. You can make your kids the best version of themselves, but the sheer work that takes for difficult kids might cost you your sanity. Don’t let anyone sway you unless you could imagine being in OP’s position just as much as being in the position of the parents with 2 kind, beautiful, oxbridge graduates (as we all assume we will get before having kids).

You don’t deserve a kicking, OP.

You do, however, need a bit of a shake to stop saying things like ‘it must be something I’ve done’ or that you’re not good enough etc etc. You know that’s not true.

You may say things like this in the hope it will pre-empt anyone else’s judgement of you but (a) people with no idea about the life you’re living will judge anyway and (b) this does not have the effect of making people admire your humility and warm to you, but rather it drives them away as it sounds full of self-loathing and that makes people uncomfortable.

Don’t waste your energy on self-loathing. You need your energy. And you need people on your side.

(I’m on your side, by the way!)

Don’t plaster on a smile and pretend to be full of optimism and sunshine. That’s also a waste of your precious energy, and it’s not sustainable when you’re raising autistic kids. You can’t be masking your own stuff as well. Let yourself feel pissed off and exhausted and disappointed. Lean into any sense of absurd or dark humour you and your DH can share. If you have any room / time / desire to connect as a couple - even if it’s only shared glances or inside jokes - do as much of that as you can.

Try to stay off social media, where even some of the most well-meaning SEN parenting advocates can make the experience look all joyful and liberating and wacky rather than often incredibly dark and lonely and boring and alienating and sometimes frightening. (And when they do make reference to any of the difficulties, they are flooded with horrendous abuse and death threats from the more disturbed corners of the autistic internet).

It is hard. You need all the energy you can muster, though, so try to turn it towards meeting your own needs as much as possible rather than hating yourself and your choices.

Hang in there. Give yourself some grace.

No. Stop.
The OP deserves to have it easier.

I’m sorry OP. I have two young adult sons that are autistic. You sound like you are suffering from burnout. My husband and I are still quite happily together after 30 years but we each had to navigate our kids’ disabilities in our own way. I think this is normal.
Please do not compare your children to others, because they, like you, have enough on their plates.
But it will get better. Your children are just on different paths with different timelines.
Just out of curiosity, are you and/or your husband also autistic or ADHD? It’s sometimes harder to work through it if you also struggle with executive functioning etc. One last thing. Our neighbours recently retired after raising two children and putting them successfully through uni. Their 23 year old was in an awful car accident, quadriplegic and severely brain damaged. His parents are now his 24hour carers. Life is like this - it can be very difficult. And we never know what others are going through.

I’m so sorry OP. I hear the deep pain in your words. It’s understandable why you feel that way.

Are you taking care of yourself in all this? Have you got someone in real life to speak to?

No way do you "deserve a kicking". You have posted about the reality of your life and given a voice to what so many people are experiencing. I think that even without the extra strain of having a child/children with special needs being a parent is a real slog. I brought my one and only up by myself and I can remember thinking how hard it was, what was the point, and nearly crying with tiredness from juggling motherhood, work, running the house etc. What can I say other than I hear you and my heart goes out to you. We should be able to speak honestly about what parenthood can be like.

I think you are very brave and absolutely entitled to have these feelings, to say them out loud must be a relief for you. I don’t have SEN children so no advice there sorry, but your post really touched me, I hope as they get older life becomes less stressful

OP said herself 'I never wanted children'

All children deserve to be wanted, I'm sorry but it's true

From couples I know with autistic children, one of whom very close family member, the father is always behind the mother in coming to terms with it and accepting it. Doesn't mean it's the norm.but it is in the couples I know.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much,. And that youve been dealt this hand. You know it isn't the boys fault and that it can't be undone which of course will.add to your turmoil.

Because of the member of my family with an autistic child, i know of many groups.of parents who come together for play dates, unorthodox as they are or even socialise when they can just the adults, dads will.play footy and have a pint after and rant, vent discus and support eg. Is there anything like this in your area (if.you think it'd help I mean).

It's harder with your teen as he'll he'll be feeling the default hard line "no-one understands me" teenage thing that NT teens feel too. My cousin has aspergers and sadly as it was the late 90s.when he was a teen, and his parents were in denial (you.of course.arent) he had huge crisis, regression and was sectioned at 22. He was so lonely :( finding others who share interests is so.vital, are there.no.clubs if your sons interest or does he not wish to.engage?

I just want a taste of normality - when I say sports and awards, I mean I want to experience the things other parents take for granted. I have helped them embrace every interest of theirs - my husband and I have spent weeks making a costume for the youngest for an event he’s going to. The eldest we took to every science event going growing up as he was a precocious child obsessed with science. Our holidays and days out are always for them, I don’t drag them round shops or put them in situations that make them uncomfortable no matter how much I want to do the thing

That is so hard. I don’t want to spout platitudes but I do want to send you love and respect.
Be kind to yourself and your partner. You are doing your best . Take joy wherever you find it and know you deserve it.

It’s not just ‘sports achievements’ for the sake of a proud parent though is it? These milestones and moments matter, because they show a child who is moving forward and developing and finding their strengths in the world. Everyone wants that for their child. A child who is struggling at school and has no friends is a worry because that will extrapolate onto future work dynamics and relationships.

It’s NOT SELFISH to expect your child to grow independence and leave home one day. Only in 2020s has it become semi normalised for parents to ‘expect to be carers forever’ due to an adult child with these types of issues.

Hi OP. So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Your feelings are valid and make perfect sense to me. My two are now adults (one ND, the other NT) and both at different times were a pain the backside growing up and even beyond if I’m honest. I hear what you say about a support group, I’d feel the same but is there something you can do, just for yourself perhaps. A group, a hobby or an interest that you can focus on to give you time out? You sound worn down and I think you need ‘you’ time too.
thinking of you.

Sorry, forgot to say; I had no mum friends either, it was just too much effort and I work so was putting pressure on me dealing with mine and an extra one as well.