To be a bit annoyed my trip has been hijacked?

[HardyPlumEagle]

I had a day out planned for Saturday, I was going to get up early and go, have a picnic for lunch and such. I was happy to go alone.

DS (young adult) asked if he could come along with me, of course I said. He often does.
Ds girlfriend then asked DS if she could also come as she has never been. Again no problem.

The issue is DS girlfriend works Friday night so she is not going to want to be up early and they have asked me to book a much later train not getting to the place till 2pm so she can sleep (which is fair enough) but I feel sidelined.
What was supposed to be a nice day out has turned into two hours at most.
It is quite a distance on multiple trains and DS is not confident with the journey alone or I would go and let them come later.

Aibu to be a bit pissed about this or should I just suck it up so as to be seen as welcoming to my ds girlfriend?
Also usually if I was going with just DS I would pay for his fare. Am I supposed to pay for GF too?
This is the first time I am dealing with girlfriends and such.
DS girlfriend did take out DS on a trip in their car for the day but my train fare will in effect triple.

Why don't you stick to your plan of having some time to yourself in the morning and just meet up with them later?

Good for you @HardyPlumEagle . I agree that it's lovely when adult children want to join you for a trip but wanting you to shorten a day out by hours (which is what catching a 2 p.m. train would've done) was too much to ask. It's not as if you were going for the weekend, you only had one day!

I think it's a good lesson for your DS and his GF to learn that if they want to join in with someone else's activity, they need to be prepared to compromise.

Oh good, infantilising disabled people.

RTFT for goodness sake!

You just say no. If you must explain, you can say that you’re very happy for people that you love and care for to ‘tag along’ but you’re keeping to your original timings and if they can’t make it, you’re very sorry and will catch up with them at a different time. The operative term is “ tag along.”

A lot of young people can have main character syndrome alongside fear of missing out. This can sometimes make them very entitled and demanding. If DS girlfriend can’t be there at the time you specified, the polite thing for her to do is decline the invitation whether she encourages your son to go along or not is a different matter. Demanding a time change falls into this main character syndrome alongside fear of missing out that they so they struggle to just decline like a normal person.

You deal with this by saying no. A big fat loud no. They’re there at 10:30am (or whatever) or they’re not coming along. This was never touted as a family outing so no need to feel guilty. This was something you were doing that they were welcome to tag along to, if they can’t tag along at the times that you’ll be there tough titty. It’s just a day out and a picnic.

Just say on this occasion im going to go by myself as I want to leave early that you have already made arrangements.. don't let them make you change plans no way.

Why don’t people RTFT? The OP has said

‘He isn't a neuroptypical fully independent age appropriate teenager.’
‘He has SEN’

I still think first post nails it though.

Why don’t people RTFT?

Because they are sooo busy and important and just want to have a go at the OP without the slightest interest in any updates/clarification. and don't care about looking like thoughtless twats

Hope you've had a brilliant day OP, but you'll be relieved to know that there will still be numerous posts telling you what you "should/could" do about the day that has already happened

And? It’s still pretty entitled to expect plans to change significantly to accommodate them. I mean, as hard as it sounds the son does need to learn that the world does not revolve around his and his girlfriend‘s preferences. If they can’t make it for the time OP is setting off then they can’t go. SEN or not, if you’re not at the station or the gate at the designated time, then you’re not travelling. Saying no would be a valuable life lesson.

But would you change your plans to accommodate them?

Joining her - fine.
Insisting she fit in with them - not so fine.

This is a moot point now though as hopefully op has had a lovely day today.

I agree @Poppyfie1ds.

Well done going on your own. My ex SIL was like this, she insisted in joining, then she wanted a big variation of plan to suit her wants and ruining it for everyone else ALL THE TIME.

I’m of the idea that if you have a plan and people then want to change it, the best thing is to say “oh, sorry it doesn’t work for you this time, we’ll plan another for another time”. I definitely wouldn’t be ruining my plans because a young person worked late and wanted a lie in… that’s extremely selfish, they would stay on their phones well past midnight regularly but then need to change everyone’s plans because they finished work before midnight??? Ha! If they want to come they adapt to the plan or stay at home.

PS. I’m saying this as a mum of a ND person. We are so accommodating to their needs that it is important to remind ourselves that everyone in the family has the right to be at the front of the queue from time to time, including us, so enjoy your day off without regrets, I’m sure you have earned it!

Good for you!

”Your plans no longer suit my
plans”. They either fit with your plans or don’t go 🤷‍♀️

If DS wants to travel with you, then he has to make sure his GF is up for an earlier start than she would like.
It’s clearly too far to travel just for a couple of hours or so.

That isn’t creating stress, it’s being sensible. So tell him that … with absolute confidence. And no argument.
He has to learn to stand up for what’s sensible instead of pandering to his GF.
If it’s not convenient to her, due to a very late night, then fair enough, so it’s just not sensible to make the trip.
No point pretending otherwise.

Don't invite them. Enjoy the day you deserve, they can go on their own. And it will only get worse, hanging around for them, they do chip in, free ride.
You've changed your mind, ok.

Ur son's girlfriend felt comfortable asking you to change your plans to accommodate her? 😳🤮
Not a good sign.
No is a complete sentence as they say on Mumsnet. I find this actually quite shocking.

If your son is old enough to have a girlfriend, he is old enough to ride a train by himself. It would be a cold day in hell before I would adjust my plans because the girlfriend had to work. She invited herself. She or your son can pay for her .

I hope you enjoy your day.

Just say no! It's not what I had planned and I'm not prepared to alter my day. You can't come this time but we can make an alternative date. Also tell your DS you are unable to pay his GF's fare. He needs to take care of it or they both pay their own. He needs to grow up a bit.

If your young adult child can have a girlfriend, I’m sure he can navigate a few trains.
i would not be leaving at a later time for a day out I had originally planned alone.

OP's son has SEN, he is mentally younger than his actual age. He met his GF at an assisted workplace, so she must also have SEN.

All of this has been mentioned by OP in her posts ...

So your post was totally inappropriate.

Good for you! I hope you had a lovely day!

YABVU to change your plans for them. If DS is old enough to have a girlfriend he is old enough to get on a train with her. Meet them later. Anyway, you're going ahead alone which is best.

Hope you enjoyed your day out, OP. You did the right thing.

I do like the phrase used earlier... "fit in or fuck off" and will be using that going forwards.