To not agree to this Holiday ?

[copingjustfine]

Can someone please advise me if I’m being unreasonable here ?

Me and dad not together, I have our 5 kids living with me full time, dad sees them 5 hours A fortnight for 5 hours through his choice, and refused over nights

But.. he still thinks he can have the upper hand on everything

He wants to take tow of the children to Portugal ( aged 15 and 14) for a week 5th July-12 th July 2026. When he initially asked for the old passports so he can renew them they got handed over and I warned him via email any holiday abroad need to be planned in the school holiday after the breakup end of July

Now he’s emailed me after passports have arrived that he’s taking them beginning July. I’ve said no as we will get fined and risk of prosecution for all those days off and he replies with ‘you’ve got a loud mouth and don’t think rationally’ he’s basically backing me into a corner to agree

He said he will ask permission from the headteacher and that he’s going to tell them he’s going for a funeral. ( which is a lie)

He’s making out that I’m unreasonable, but am I?

And I know people will say ‘just let him pay the fines’ but I know this man he will tell me to ignore the fines and he a ain’t paying them but i am not doing good financially I can’t have this on my head when I’m not even the one taking them for 5 days, if it was 1 or 2 days overlap on his weekend holiday it would be fine but 5 days !!

I know if the headteacher declines his permission he will still pressure me to hand the kids over to take them and Make me look bad to the kids. I’ve asked him when did he send the permission request and he’s ignored me

What would you do on this situation without becoming the bad guy to your kids ?

Never mind the school stuff I wouldn't be agreeing to a man who parents 130 hours a year taking any of them for a week. How do you explain to the other 3? I assume theres younger half siblings he wants a babysitter for while he enjoys himself sounds a real prince.
Eta - you seem really worn down with this man's bullying of you. Communicate through a parenting app only and go to CMS why are you agreeing to so little money stop letting him emotionally blackmail you!

Go to the police. Also explain the situation to the school. And get support from a relevant charity. It is coercive control.

Please contact the domestic abuse services in your area for advice and do refer your kids to the local authority through the council website (google MASH + your town name) for early intervention help.

For a start you need to go to CMS and get this sorted out. £150 a month for five kids is a joke. If you go on to their calculator you will be able to get a rough idea of what he needs to be paying.

He is taking the piss but YOU ARE LETTING HIM.

He will continue to do this until you get rid of the mindset that he is allowed to control you. Deep down I think that you are still scared of him, but you have legal rights too and you must exercise them. He wont listen to you but at some point he WILL need to listen to the authorities despite what he thinks.

CMS can take maintenance straight from his wages if he refuses to pay and with a wife and two other kids to support, he is hardly going to give up his job is he? Then get lawyered up and get a prohibited steps order regarding term time holidays. If he tries to take them anyway there are serious consequences for him, especially if you can get one with power of arrest, although they can be difficult to get.

I was worried that he never has them overnight but suddenly is taking them abroad.....then read he has another wife and more children

Don’t they have GCSE Mocks? Maybe tell him to take the youngest kids who won’t be missing on such crucial 30 hours of education?

Haven't read replies yet but I would refuse on the basis of only 2 out of 5 children being invited on holiday. This happened with us and caused untold damage - with mine and the favoured child's relationship when I would be the bad guy and say no because it's not fair. And between the siblings the one time I relented against my better judgment. We are 99% repaired and back on track but it is still brought up, years later, between the siblings if they're arguing about something else.

If you are separated you can tell the head teacher that you haven’t consented. This has happened to other people I know so only the dad got fined

Where do you get the idea that you will be left with the fines?

That is not how fines work.

And he could probably get out of it anyway but just saying the kids were ill when staying with him. The school can't prove it.

A whole week both kids ill? As if the school will believe that? And why teach your kids to lie? Why put your kids in a position to lie? Saying your 2 kids are ill for a whole week will them become a safeguarding issue. And it is how fines work, you clearly don’t research properly

on my council website it’s £80 fine per parent per child and increases to £160 per child per parent if not paid in 21 days
yes it is how fines work in my area

and I refuse to be left with a fine for a holiday I wasn’t even ok with me kids? Why should I pay a fine for a man to take kids in term time on holiday when I don’t even have any proper foot ware and can’t afford it? To then have to pay a fine I can’t afford when I already neglect my
Own needs due to having the kids 24/7??????

Go to the CMS for your maintenance.

As for the fine, you need to evidence that you’ve told him you don’t agree to him taking the dc out of school for a holiday. Email or saved messages will do. That way you can challenge the fine

OP there are steps you can take to make things smoother for you.

G o through CMS for the maintenance and change all communication to a parenting app. Block him everywhere else. Talk to the school about his plans and tell them you have not agreed but are not sure that will stop him. I would also talk to the police about the harassment, but not expect that to go anywhere much.

You sound scared of him and like you acquiesce to avoid confrontation and for a quiet life. The point of these steps is to quiet his voice in your life and make sure his threats and unreasonableness are documented so you can use the police or courts if he continues to abuse you. But I think you also need some real life support. If you don't have a friend who you can talk to about it all and who will be sympathetic but strong for you then Gingerbread (the charity for single parents) and Women's Aid may be able to help with a supportive ear or even a support group.

A whole week both kids ill? As if the school will believe that? And why teach your kids to lie? Why put your kids in a position to lie? Saying your 2 kids are ill for a whole week will them become a safeguarding issue

All right love, wind yer neck in, fgs 😂.
I am not saying he is right by any stretch - and I have no skin in the game. I am on your side - as my previous comment showed. He is a complete twerp.

But YOU tell ME then, how will the school prove it?

If he rings and tells the school they are ill on the first day, he has already got out of a potential fine as fines only kick in after 5 consecutive days.

My biggest problem wouldn't be fines or taken during term time it would be why he's only taking 2 and not all 5. What are you planning on telling the other 3?. I'd be saying you take all or none. That makes me the bad guy, so be it.

Why are you both getting fined? Me and my DDs dad don't both get fined since we separated. It's just the one that is going in the holiday that gets the fine

It’s the norm that both parents are fined unless the one not responsible for the absence can prove they did their best to prevent it.

The info for fines come from the school, so if the school have not been made aware of a divorce and that the parents take the kids way separately, then they will assume that both parents have taken them. So if the OP informs the school that will help and she can appeal any fine if she does still get one, but it could still happen.

Yeah- ready made babysitters for his new family.

Were you silly enough to tell him the passports arrived?

I'd definitely say no. Isn't 15 start of GCSEs?

Op I’d have a conversation with the DC he wants to take now. They are old enough to understand. Tell them that their dad wants to take them and only them to Portugal. That you have agreed to this during school holidays. That he wants to take them during the school year. That the school will fine you both. That you do not have the budget to pay the fine. That their dad has said he will not pay the fine. That there is a risk you will be prosecuted. Therefore you have to say no unless it’s during school holidays.

You can’t stop him saying whatever manipulative bullshit he cones out without you can get in first and be honest with them. Just be factual. Dont put him down. They will most likely work it out and even if they don’t, at least you have tried and not given him all the power.

it is completely reasonable for you to say no.

I’d be less worried about the fines and more worried that he only has them 5 hours. If he has never had them overnight - a court would not agree to a weeks holiday out of term time.

you need to go to court.

and the poster about Portugal having a letter - it’s very ad hoc and not that strict.

What a little dictator he is.
No wonder he is your ex
Stick to your guns .

Good luck
🫰

Why would immigration in Portugal even question a father being on holiday with his own children?. If they all have same surname, no reason for immigration to query any thing.
As to the children being pulled out of school by the father against the mothers wishes who is the resident parent, thats not on. The childrens mother should seek legal advice.