To not agree to this Holiday ?

[copingjustfine]

Can someone please advise me if I’m being unreasonable here ?

Me and dad not together, I have our 5 kids living with me full time, dad sees them 5 hours A fortnight for 5 hours through his choice, and refused over nights

But.. he still thinks he can have the upper hand on everything

He wants to take tow of the children to Portugal ( aged 15 and 14) for a week 5th July-12 th July 2026. When he initially asked for the old passports so he can renew them they got handed over and I warned him via email any holiday abroad need to be planned in the school holiday after the breakup end of July

Now he’s emailed me after passports have arrived that he’s taking them beginning July. I’ve said no as we will get fined and risk of prosecution for all those days off and he replies with ‘you’ve got a loud mouth and don’t think rationally’ he’s basically backing me into a corner to agree

He said he will ask permission from the headteacher and that he’s going to tell them he’s going for a funeral. ( which is a lie)

He’s making out that I’m unreasonable, but am I?

And I know people will say ‘just let him pay the fines’ but I know this man he will tell me to ignore the fines and he a ain’t paying them but i am not doing good financially I can’t have this on my head when I’m not even the one taking them for 5 days, if it was 1 or 2 days overlap on his weekend holiday it would be fine but 5 days !!

I know if the headteacher declines his permission he will still pressure me to hand the kids over to take them and Make me look bad to the kids. I’ve asked him when did he send the permission request and he’s ignored me

What would you do on this situation without becoming the bad guy to your kids ?

She needs to apply to the courts for a prohibited steps order if she’s going to withhold passports, otherwise he can just report them lost and apply for replacements.

How will he take them when you’ve got the passports? Just put them somewhere safe

Babysitting? Are his second family younger?

Do you have someone you totally trust to hold their passports for you?

I'd tell the 2 eldest why you are not letting him take them, be totally honest and hold firm.

Once you make a stand against him and succeed it will be easier to do in future.

i Know this man he’ll threaten me, emotionally blackmail Me via email, use children’s maintenance by not paying it when the kids need it he will torment me through the kids and the kids will give me HELL believe me. I feel so distressed and this was his plan to cause me distress and significant financial issues. He doesn’t need to take them out of school for 5 days. I’m really considering going to the police now as this is abuse in my eyes. He messaged me early in the week giving me abuse because our 20 year old is working and not saving as much money as he wants and he’s called me and my family over it saying I better take money off her and save why can’t he just leave me alone ???

It’s not a police matter. Personally I’d block him. Are the 14 and 15 year old the youngest of the five?

You say it’s not a police matter but this is sustained post separation abuse that’s been going on for a long time, I have mountains of emails where he’s threatened me and controlling me. Even messages off his wife blackmailing me into accepting the most pitiful maintenance on the planet when she knows full well it is less than bare minimum and she is a part to play in the abuse as well
This one issue may not be a police matter but the combination of the things he does is

I would wonder if he’s only taking the two who are the right age to play babysitter for the other kids…

You need to say no, yes you will be the bad guy for a bit, but that’s what being a parent means sometimes and longer term they’ll come to understand.

It’s also really shitty on the 3 left behind and that alone is a good enough reason to say no.

Am I right in also thinking that if the school deny his request the school will be ringing me every day and could possibly send out welfare officers to my address to check on things ? It’s not just about the fine it’s the accumulation of things that come from him taking 5 days out of school

Oh hey the deadbeat dad showed up. Or are you his wife who probably agrees so the husbands teen kids are on hand to babysit the little ones. Of course she's not being unreasonable. Why can't dad take his kids in the holidays rather than in term time. He's only got to wait an extra week. For someone who only sees his kids a few hours a week not even having them overnight I'd definitely be questioning why he suddenly wants a couple of his kids for a whole week, clearly it's for his own benefit

The school won’t have his address as it’s me that communicate with the school and me that has the kids full
time so he won’t be the one getting the fine I will
But they simply don’t care, him and his wife despise me tha much that they don’t care the hardship they put me in, when they are the sinful ones, playing away behind my back !

Give the school his address.

Go via CMS for maintenance.

Your children are old even to form their own relationships with him.

Block him.

Well GIVE the school his address then. Make clear that ALL correspondence is to go to you both, not just you, about the matter.

He sounds a right twerp.

Ring 101 for advice on his abuse, it is good the idiot put it all in writing to you so you have a "paper trail" of it.

Your X is a bully and his wife is no better.
By threatening you and making late maintenance payments, he is still having control over you.
If you do decide to go to the police with this , even if they can’t do anything, they may be able to advise you on any agencies that could help you.

All of this and tell the school of his intentions. Have you a solicitor? If so you can ask them to hold the passports for you as safeguarding for now if you do not have another person whom you trust.

That’s definitely it.

who has the passports now?

Don't hand over those passports!
Also, contact the school and explain that you've refused to agree to the term time holiday but ex is threatening to take them and can the school advise/support.

Also, please put a claim through CMS. They can't control you if they have to go through the official channels. They will kick off about the passports anyway so might as well use the opportunity to make everything more formal.
Also, any threats or attempts at blackmail, log with the police ( non emergency unless imminent threat) so it also leaves a paper trail. The courts take a dim view of anyone who seeks to coerce and control former partners, especially putting the children in the middle.

It also just makes me mad because when I said to him I’m not agreeing to this Holiday as I’m not getting find he said ‘ we will cross that bridge when we come to it’ was if we are some sort of team or something! We are NOT! This is his holiday not mine and I just think it’s embarrassing how the way he’s behaving

This all sounds very much like coercive control and gaslighting.
Please consider contacting Women's Aid for advice and support.
Good luck xx

Agree with this just tell them you didn't agree to this and the fine is to go to him.
You're not being unreasonable but the school holiday prices are unreasonable .

Let him take them. Spending time with theur father is more important. Tell him your permission to take them out of the country is contingent upon his agreement to pay all fines and any additional costs including yours shoukd there be any.

He won’t pay the fines. He will say he’s not interested and they ‘can’t do nothing ‘ I’ll be left with the fines and he won’t care
and if spending time with your father is not important then why does he only see hai kids 5 hours a week explain that

He can afford it with his job, he also only pays me £150 a month for 5 kids and I most months I have to beg for it and it’s not even every 4 weeks it’s every 4 weeks and 3/4 days
so I’m sure he can afford a holiday on the summer holidays to help me avoid anymore financial difficulty

Headteachers are used to that exact excuse. In fact my DC's headteacher made a joke about that exact scenario at the parents' induction evening every year. "It's funny how grandparents always seem to have funerals 2 weeks before the summer holidays, and always in Barbados."