AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

Don’t be ridiculous, permission to expect more; she has no entitlement to their money, she’s an adult. This grabby attitude people have to money that isn’t theirs isn’t acceptable.

You can sign up for an NHs dentist anywhere - hours away if necessary! Cheaper to go and stay in Premier Inn a few times than pay for local private

OP says they moved there to support her parents as they get older and: I visit every few days, help with food shopping/drs etc as much as I can. So it's begun and she says it's expected for her to care for them rather than going into a home. What more do you want? Does she have to wait till she's on her knees?

i don't think the OP sounds remotely grabby. But the fact that you do explains why you think that nice parent who helps their kid is some kind of boastful git. Maybe you've just not been around functional families much.

But it's her choice to be doing that, the same way it's her mothers choice to hold onto her money.

To be fair to them OP, they might not realise how much you are struggling.

You really need to plan for your future, focusing on your husband and children. Would you think of moving away to somewhere cheaper? If you work from home you can live anywhere. If you stay where you are just for them you will stay stuck.

They need to make their own plans, they have enough money to give them lots of options.

Move to where it's cheaper
They have money to pay for their own care in later life

All the more reason to give some of it away before it all goes in care home costs!

If I were the OP, I'd be cutting down the "caring" side of things and working more to earn more money if there's nothing coming from the parents in return.

You need to be careful about this otherwise for two reason: deprivation of assets and IHT.

I do understand as I'm in a similar position. I'm totally broke and my elderly mum is pretty well off. But I'm just glad she's still well and able to spend and enjoy her money.

If you tried to speak to her about getting some money earlier do you think she'd get offended?

She can ask and her mum can actively make the choice, can't she? This place is so funny how it's full of mums doing their utmost for their tots, yet when a 50yo woman is skint and run ragged with a disabled DH, kids and aging parents who all need her help, she's suddenly grabby if she's not happy to let her teeth crumble while her mum blows thousands on handbags. If she'd come on saying my mum has always been distant and tight, that's one thing, but clearly this mum likes to treat her DD and simply does not know that OP needs this help, so it's 10000% worth asking. Otherwise there's no choice being made by the mum and it's just the OP keeping up a front of coping when the reality is she is not.

OP I understand this is just moan, and I appreciate that can be cathartic. You're not being unreasonable to be upset you can't afford to get your teeth fixed, and that money is tight in general, especially since you've been working for 30 years and are kind of stuck supporting a 3 people in a situation most people don't find themselves in.

Seeing at your parents' money, hearing them go on about inheritance, I can see why that's frustrating in your situation. Wanting it to come sooner without your parents dying isn't exactly unreasonable! We'd all like more money. So I get that.

But I would just say you might want to think instead about if there are things you can do to prioritise your financial situation now - it sounds like you've made choices to suit other people (like moving near your parents s you can care for them) and given the challenges you are struggling with, you may be better off being a bit more selfish and looking to see if you can have a better life by moving somewhere less expensive. Especially since you WFH so may be able to keep the pay and drop some expenses.

This doesn't make sense. You don't need a PIN to use a debit card to pay for things. Just have the restaurant process the payment it as CREDIT. Though OP's mother should have credit card. It's much safer.

I think it's worth having a conversation with them.

They might, for example, be prepared to help your DD with her Uni expenses...

Or pay your rent for a year...

Or give you gift cards every month for groceries...

Lots of possibilities...

Unless you speak to them, they might not appreciate how tough things are for you.

Good luck 💐

Completely agree with each of your posts @pinkdelight

Well, if you were my daughter I wouldn’t see you or my grandchildren struggling.

Course it makes sense. Many people prefer to use debit cards that often need a PIN for large amounts or if they've been tapped out that day. Just because you know this fact about processing payment as credit doesn't mean it's common and there's something nonsensical about it not happening.

It’s her money to spend how she wants to. She may need it in the future. Depending on how much we’re talking about, there’s only so much she could give you. I think it’s £3000 a year.

Dear me how much the mean-spirited love these threads.

YANBU OP. Ask.

Same. I’d never ask or expect money off my parents, especially in their old age. You sound like you resent them. Commenting on your Dad’s pension schemes.
It’s pretty cringe.

It is her savings and financial security. If she has to self fund a place in a care home it will soon dwindle. You cannot guarantee that you will be able to provide the home care that may be required.pin the future. If dementia or incontinence come into play it will grind you down. As you are providing care already could you claim attendance allowance which would help.

As pp have mentioned it’s their money and their choice what to spend it on. However, I do understand how frustrating it must be when you are struggling. I would hope my dcs would ask for financial help if they needed it and I was in a position to help them.

Can you be open with your parents about the situation you are in? I assume they are aware that your husband is no longer working and that this must have had an impact on your family.

Have they ever given you money gifts? Do you talk to them about money / finances? my parents have given large gifts to my sister and I over the years. They see it as sensible estate planning / inheritance tax avoidance to give money that they don’t need to my sister and I at a stage in our lives when we really benefit from it.

i do hear you - my DH recently dropped down to part time for medical reasons, and I am now the full time, main earner. It’s a shock, at 53 and not on a massive salary, to be in this position. We are going to see my parents soon, and I’m going to be honest with them about our situation.

I wouldn't leave my child with painful rotten front teeth if i had the money that could sort it for them regardless of their age. That's actually shocking if they know and have ignored your request for some help.