AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

I think people on this site are weird about inheritances. I really believe that if I'm fortunate enough to have plenty of money as a retiree, I need to give my kids money now at a time they actually need it and also potentially avoid some inheritance tax. It is difficult to judge what you're going to need care-wise and that is what my husband and I are trying to balance at the moment, but we are also trying to help our children generously. We were fortunate to not pay for university, have savings during good interest times etc which our children have not. OP is not a vulture, just hopeful that her parents notice the disparity and unfairness if life.

My parents were so fond of the 'sking' spending the kids inheritance joke. Repeated throughout the baby raising years.
It has feed into how I feel into how I feel about them.

You don’t know that. There are conditions that can only be managed by professionals and car.

The money ain’t yours. They work hard and earned it. You are welcome to do the same.

Thete’s no such thing a a future inheritance, op.
Your mother’s assets are just that - hers, as long as she’s still alive. Who knows how much she’ll leave when she goes? Maybe considerably more, maybe nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️
Nothing to stop you asking for a loan, I suppose.

Agree with this. If they don't realise how the price of everything has shot up, they nay not think to offer help. I would ask re teeth.

I don't know how you expect to look after them whilst trying to look after a disabled husband and family.

When my father got dementia he needed checking every hour including through the night and had to be moved using a hoist with 2 carers. Even if my parents had space in the house for all the equipment and live in carers the cost would have been impossible. As it was his nursing home cost £2k a week.

it is not always possible to “get carers in” if you had 24/7 needs

So IF she gave you the money now and then in 5 years she did need to go into a home with professional care, would you give her the money back?

As that's in her current account, I assume that's just her pension building up (my grandparents are exactly the same, though not quite as much). My grandparents are always offering us money to help us out when we need it - I can't imagine watching my daughter struggle, having the ability to help, and just.. not?

I cannot imagine having 50k in my current account and good pensions and savings and being happy to see my child suffer for lack of dental work because I am worried about some future care home I may need. but there are plenty on this thread who can so maybe I'm the anomoly.

My parents had nothing like that and would always have offered us help. Luckily we never needed it but they always asked. There was no talk of entitlement or vultures or anything.

Just tell her you’d like some of her money as you feel entitled to it.

Completely with you OP. Even a small ish amount would make things much easier for you.

Please do not give up your good years to care for them when they have the funds to buy in care when the time comes. That’s supposedly what all that money is for, so why should you sacrifice potentially years of your life to care for them. They could live another 10-20 years.

I helped care for my father who had dementia, and it nearly broke me. I will not be doing the same for my mother, who has more money than I will ever have, but is too stubborn to pay for help. She will just have to when the time comes.

Move away to somewhere cheaper if you have to - you need to live your own life, not some half life where you can’t afford to live so that they can save more. The resentment will eat away at you.

I think you’re misinterpreting. People aren’t saying that parents shouldn’t give money to children- all my retirement planning is based around giving my kids as much as I can as soon as I can. But it doesn’t follow from that that OP is entitled to her mum’s money (I know she hasn’t suggested otherwise) and there isn’t enough information given to say whether het mum actually has money she doesn’t need or not.

OP should speak up and tell her mum what’s going on, not accept a free lunch while secretly seething.

My DH and I are comfortably off and regularly give our adult DC money. They never ask for it either. We'd rather they have it now so we can a) see them enjoying it and b) they have it when they need it most with young families.
There's no way I could go along merrily while my kids were struggling, especially as you help them out so much. How do you feel about asking them to pay for your teeth OP?

It definitely sounds like it's worth asking them for some financial support. Just explain that you're struggling a bit and that your DD will need support for uni etc. I don't see why they would be reluctant to help and obv don't mention this but as others have said their money may go on care costs eventually otherwise!

Then they can pay for someone to look after them! OP can't work full time, look after her kids, her parents and find another job to get more money.

How can you care for them when you have a disabled husband ?!
They may be stubborn but you won’t be able to care and work and not become a shell of yourself / sacrifice your own health and well being
They’re being totally unrealistic and you’re walking into a nightmare

This is so boastful and distasteful and doesn’t help the op.

I'd totally ask her if she'd pay for the dental work. My mum would do that in a heartbeat. She'd have offered already if she'd known. Sounds like you've been too proud in not asking for help and yet moving there to help them. It's not tit for tat and their money is their own blah blah, but no good mother would splurge on mulberries while her daughter's teeth turned black if she could so easily help.

I think you have to explain to your DP’s that they will have to pay you! (the actual going rate) especially as your DH isn’t earning.

& you aren’t being at all unreasonable.

Do they acknowledge how much you are struggling and that you would appreciate the financial help?
You mention husband doesn't work any more - why not? Do they feel that this money being given to you might be wasted in some way? Or maybe even feel that it might make you feel bad by needing handouts that they don't want to tread on your toes?

With all due respect OP, if something happens that is beyond the scope of yourself and home carers, you won’t have much choice about full time care - that will be a professional decision out of your hands. Even if you have lasting power of attorney a catastrophic health event will be a ‘best interests’ decision not involving you.

The fact that you’re having difficulty providing for all your needs is not the responsibility of your parents. They are people in their own right and have their own needs. Their savings and assets are not there for you to as though it’s a savings account you can access because you feel entitled.

Yeah you can't just say you'll do the caring. My mum needed a home after years of dementia because she was incredibly violent and unmanageable by one person.

She is not looking after her parents . . . 🙄

I disagree. It's not boastful to give a perspective from a generous parent that lets OP know there's nothing wrong with needing the money and she's not breaking some rule by asking for help - and that if it's withheld or got strings attached then that's her parent's shortcoming not her own. I think it gives OP permission to expect more for herself, which is fine given how much she's expected to give to others including her 'stubborn' parents.