AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

I do think there’s a lot for financial planning, giving gifts 7 years in advance to avoid IHT etc.

But please don’t wed yourself too much to the “no care homes” stance- I’ve seen so many women in their late 40s/early 50s trashing their own health to keep such a promise when dementia is developed by parents. By the time they finally give in and use a carehome, they’ve already had their own wellbeing and health damaged.

Just be flexible and make sure you focus more on making sure your parents have the best possible care for their needs, and if that’s residential, so be it.

They won't be going into care homes. They will have me and carers if needed.
I said this as well, unfortunately it doesn't always work the way you want and my DM's care costs have reached £168,000 and continue to grow.
Also, as others have mentioned, you can't just give away money without considering deliberate deprecation of assets legislation.
I would tell your DM that you need essential dental work. I'm sure she will try and help.

Honestly I would never expect money from my parents but on the other hand I couldn’t see my child struggle either.

I’m with you.

my dad keeps saying he’s going to give us money as he’s also on a generous final salary pension. He has enough lying around he got a significant tax bill on the interest.

so “it’s no use to me, I’ll give you some”.

only he hasn’t. Occasionally he’ll say you need X, I’ll pay for it. Only he can’t understand I don’t have the money to pay for x, I need to pay for a, b and c first. So I don’t get it done and he doesn’t pay.

You daughter doesn't NEED to go to University unless she is doing a course which will benefit society, such as medicine, law, economics, etc. So you could save a lot of money there.

Sorry OP but you are very unrealistic. Suppose they both get dementia with mobility or other health problems? It's not unusual sadly. Are you going to care for them both 24/7? They need money to pay for the things that will keep them active and mobile and provide care when the time comes. 50K isn't that much.
However, you need some help funding dental treatment now and there's no reason you can't ask your parents if they could make a contribution.

I agree with posters who say you should ask for some money now. Explain how you are struggling.

I know plenty on here will not agree, but I do. I think there was previously a great honour in giving some money for your loved ones as inheritance and having savings. However I think nowadays people save their whole lives and have nothing to pass on. Whereas giving less but at the right time can give your (adult) children so much more (house deposit, nest egg).

My working class parents saved their whole lives. Never really helped me out, they have good savings that they want to leave as inheritance to their family, however it’ll all go on care. I’m not saying it shouldn’t go on care, but if they’d given 10k towards a house deposit it would have really help set me up.

Ask them .sit and suggest they hey gift 3000 a year to dd for uni.
Ask if they can fund your teeth. As a birthday present.

So the OP has uprooted her family to help out her parents, is left with nothing in her account after spending £100 on a meal so is very clearly on a tight budget, and her apparently rolling in it parents can't bung her a few quid? I think that's terrible.

why have such an expensive lunch is my first thought
and you are coming across as very greedy.

They've got much more than 50k. Thats just what was in the current account, which is wild.

It's a totally alien concept to me that a parent of comfortable means would see their child struggle, but these threads always go the same way - nobody should expect anything from their parents. Never mind that the parents expect a lot of time and effort from the OP!

We're not well off but have helped out our adult DC when they need it - particularly the eldest, who needed knee surgery, so we paid privately as the waiting list was long. I would equate that to OP's dental issues as it was c.5k. Also paid a corporation tax bill of 2k, amongst other things.

Some people are just so self centred they don't even consider what other people are dealing with, even when it's blatantly obvious.

@PistachioTiramisu dd is doing a medicine degree. So worthy enough for you?

Off topic, but it's madness having £50k in a current account.

I don't think it unreasonable to ask for money for your teeth. She can always say no, but I would want to help my dc if they were in need and I could.

Fair enough, but they need money for their own future. OP can't feel aggrieved that they don't want to gift it to her now, but she has every right to ask them for some dentistry money provided she can accept that they might say no - which would be hurtful in this situation.

Ask her for a loan?

I will say you don't really know that unless you are prepared to provide 24hr live in care. If dementia comes into it then their needs will almost certainly exceed your ability to cope. A decent dementia nursing home costs about 2k a week, so you see how quickly money can go.

Having said that, if you need something like this sum for your teeth, I don't think it's wrong to ask for help with that, I don't ask my parents for money but I know they would help in that sort of situation.

And also, maybe treat your mother to lunch sometime.

£100 is a very expensive lunch

You have no way of knowing if your parents will eventually need a care home, regardless of how you feel now.

Please ask them. As a parent I really want my child to come to me for help, especially with medical costs. My parents are probably similar financial situation and are very happy and keen to help my sibling and I. My DH and I are keen to help our DC too when the time comes - helping solve stresses in her life, where possible, is a big priority for me and likely improve my life in not having to worry about them.

I'm sorry for people who don't have these options, but that doesn't mean people like you should suffer dental pain and stress, when it sounds like your parents could easily help. I hope the conversation goes well.

Christ alive, is this the world we're living in now? It's certainly not the world the OP's mother grew up in, so why you'd assume she'd want her grandchild to miss out when she could easily help out is beyond me. My mum has voluntarily offered to contribute to my DS's uni £ as she has more than we have, and funnily enough she didn't impose constraints like 'He must prove he'll be a doctor/lawyer/banker at the end of it or I want my money back.' As it happens, DS hopes to have a good career as most people do, but it says a lot that you assume this DD is going to piss her £ away on something you deem worthless.

Could you ask them for a loan? Properly documented and with a repayment schedule?

Of course I can see your point but no one can know what life might throw at them, they might NEED specialist care, a new hip, care home fees etc. 50k or even treble that wouldn’t touch the sides. So I can see why they might be reluctant to just hand over large chunks of money now

Totally agree! Be nice to get some of your inheritance early seeing as you could do with it.

I fully intend to give a good part of my inheritance to my my sons whilst living, we want to see them enjoy it and get on the property ladder.

I think you should have a conversation OP.