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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

378 replies

Giraffeowlllama · 20/05/2026 15:53

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

OP posts:
Mclaren10 · 20/05/2026 16:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask for some help. Especially as your mum brought it up about leaving you stuff. You are so appreciative of them wanting to leave you something...you are also struggling now if they felt like they could help you out now etc etc.

Sounds like you do a lot for them and also at home.

Mischance · 20/05/2026 16:46

I am retired with similar pot.
I would love to give money to my family but there are lots of considerations .....

I might need care one day and without a bit of a nest egg I might have to accept whatever substandard care on offer from LA ... my family would hate that and it would compound their guilt at not being able to look after me themselves, which in no way would I expect them to do ... they have incredibly busy lives.

As a family we know only too well about care costs, having been overwhelmed by this for my late OH.

I have already paid out for a stair lift and was glad I was able to afford that.

Also I have several AC .... who to help to make it fair?

I wish I had a big pot of money to share .... I fantasise about my premium bonds coming up and the ways I might help my family.

I would be unwise to wipe out my savings. As I know only too well, you do not know what is around the corner.

HoldItAllTogether · 20/05/2026 16:48

I can definitely see this from both points of view. Your parents are probably thinking that you are ‘ok’ at the minute and that they should hang on to their cash because of care home fees etc.
I know you said you will look after them but that may not be possible. Some people need more help than that.
Ive a relative that is paying nearly £80,000 a year for their home atm and it not particularly fancy.
This message is drummed into people all the time so wanting to hold on to their cash is very understandable.
At some point you are likely going to get a massive inheritance. They know that and that probably makes them happy.
could you release any cash on your house in the short term. Maybe extend the mortgage period?

ThisJadeBear · 20/05/2026 16:52

I am going against the grain here but I think that’s a bit shit.
You are not a vulture anything but. And don’t discount them needing paid care in the future. You are not there to be their carer. Believe me we all have romantic notions about caring for parents but when it’s long term it’s back breaking.
You have a disabled DH, you are in agony with your teeth and your mum has 50k in her current account alone and just spent on another Mulberry bag?
I think that’s rank.
They don’t mind you moving in to help but can see you are personally struggling? And you are supposed to go into raptures because of a lunch?
It is not like you want help for superficial crap it’s for your wellbeing.
Even if your teeth didn’t need fixing they could stills help out here and there and not even notice the difference.

Ard · 20/05/2026 16:54

I'd ask them directly to help out with anything you need for health. I couldn't have my adult child in pain if I could easily help. Any more significant sum they give directly could affect means tested benefits if you claim any, which is somwthing to bear in mind.

CoralOP · 20/05/2026 16:54

I think some People are just different.
I really worry about money so tend to try and clutch onto it, anything that comes out of my savings causes me so much worry and I frantically try and replace it.
I plan to help my son as much as possible when hes older but i know i will struggle with it.
Your mother might be the same.
If she gave you 5k for your teeth then it's gone, she'll be down to 45k, if she needs a new roof there's another 8k gone and her boiler breaks 3k gone with no job to try and replace it, I can understand how she would worry about it.

My father is always telling me how he has so much money he doesn't know what to do with it but he's never gave me a penny (he's not really rich at all, always lived on a low income but is just enjoying being mortgage free and having a good chunck of spare money).

I know my mother asked her parents for 40k for a house when she left my dad when we were kids.
She knew they had it put aside for her as inheritance but they said no. She lived in a homeless shelter with 2 kids for about a year and I know she resented them badly for it.

My MIL on the other hand will give you her last tin of soup, bless her. She pays for holidays for us, every bit she has coming in she wants to spend it on the family. She obviously has a higher risk tolerance.

Different strokes for different folks I guess!

Caniweartheseones · 20/05/2026 16:56

You sound like a dream daughter and if you have spoken to your parents about your struggles/ real life and they’re not listening, they’re taking the piss. If they haven’t heard it (they sound naive) telling them is a good idea. Physical pain while caring for three other people plus children is soul destroying.

PrincessofWells · 20/05/2026 16:57

Giraffeowlllama · 20/05/2026 16:16

They won't be going into care homes. They will have me and carers if needed.

Immediate needs, I desperately need dental work about £4/5k my front teeth are so painful and parts are black.
I've explained till im blue that there are no nhs dentists locally.

As I said it a moan.

So earn your own money to pay for it . . .

walkmehomecheddar · 20/05/2026 16:57

I'm in a similar position except that mine doesn't pay for lunch...so the thought of attempting to request a little bit of help now, rather than potentially receive substantial inheritance in around 20 years, is not appealing. I really don't understand why the older generation are unprepared to share some of their wealth in the present day. I would never do this to my dc. If I was you I would ask if she could help with my teeth at the very least. Wishing you the best x

CanaryLibra · 20/05/2026 16:57

They won't be going into care homes. They will have me and carers if needed

My df was ill last year and I moved in for 2 months to help while wfh

This is a tale as old as time.

If and when the time comes they won’t pay for carers, they’ll run you into the ground physically and emotionally while sitting on pots of money. They already have had you leave your disabled DH and live with them for 2 months while you had to continue working alongside this, because they needed help - they didn’t think to buy help in, but happily let you put yourself out for 2 months.

I’d consider moving away somewhere cheaper if I were you.

Coconutter24 · 20/05/2026 16:58

Giraffeowlllama · 20/05/2026 16:42

Ok my point was she has £50k in her current account. Df and dm have £00000s in their savings.

And?…? They need money to live on so why shouldn’t they have a nice safety net?

giraffeandahalf · 20/05/2026 17:01

Well of course she can can spunk it up the wall whilst her toothless daughter becomes her carer but it does seem a bit shit

PrincessofWells · 20/05/2026 17:01

I suppose it's possible some parents don't want to help their children at certain points in their lives because the children come over as entitled and uncaring. I wonder if that might be the case?

hotsoap · 20/05/2026 17:01

Giraffeowlllama · 20/05/2026 16:07

I know that, it's her money in her current account. There is a lot more in savings/ investment. My df was extremely fortunate and retired with 3 final salary pensions.
They have a lovely bungalow and have made it future proof, adaptations in bathroom etc.
I visit every few days, help with food shopping/drs etc as much as I can.

I think I'm just feeling the pinch atm, my rent has gone up, bills are up. University for dd in September and will need money , everything is just getting on top of me.

If her husband is alive and has so much money and she has separate account to him, I think it is your father you should ask for help ...and blame for early inheritance silence

ElectoralControversy · 20/05/2026 17:02

Applecup · 20/05/2026 16:24

Was fortunate to retire with three pensions? Or maybe he worked hard to have three pensions. Pisses me off when working hard and getting a good pension is regarded as luck.

Show quote history

You've left out the crucial words 'final salary' there.

Virtually no-one from my generation is getting a final salary pension, let alone three, no matter how hard we work.
Pisses me off when people put their good fortune down to 'hard work', do you think no-one else works hard?

Kizmet1 · 20/05/2026 17:02

Giraffeowlllama · 20/05/2026 16:16

They won't be going into care homes. They will have me and carers if needed.

Immediate needs, I desperately need dental work about £4/5k my front teeth are so painful and parts are black.
I've explained till im blue that there are no nhs dentists locally.

As I said it a moan.

I think this is a much fairer complaint than the general moan about your mum having money in her account.
If your mother has 50k sitting there, and more money floating about in savings etc plus your father's money, then their only child should not be walking around with dental issues and no access to care. That's horrible and I do hope they agree to help you with that if you ask for their support with private care.

CatNoBag · 20/05/2026 17:02

Giraffeowlllama · 20/05/2026 16:42

Ok my point was she has £50k in her current account. Df and dm have £00000s in their savings.

You need to have a word with her about keeping her money safe. Why on earth does she have 50k in her current account? I once had 18k when I was between homes and the bank called me to discuss moving it to a safer account.

And don't just moan, tell her your teeth hurt, you can't afford to pay to have them fixed, can she help. I'm sure she'd be happy to help if she has the funds rather than you being in pain.

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 20/05/2026 17:02

The sense of entitlement which grown adults feel to their parents’ money is disgusting.

The whole idea of bringing up children is that you bring them up to be independent, to forge their own lives, not to bankroll them for all eternity.

What exactly are you doing to improve your situation rather than moaning that your mum won’t give you 10% of her bank balance to fund your dental work?

And nobody can say that their parent will never need to go into a care home. It’s entirely possible that their needs will be such that you can’t take care of them yourselves and it will be necessary.

And most of these care homes cost several thousands a week i.e. hundreds of thousands a year to fund.

Is independence and self reliance a redundant concept now?

Are parents expected to be parents for the rest of their lives and give up their lives, and their money, to their adult children who are perfectly able to fund themselves?

I’d say ask your mum if you can borrow the money, but to expect it is just grabby and entitled.

Bimblebombles · 20/05/2026 17:08

It's all very well saying you'd care for them at home, or carers would come in, but it depends what illnesses they succumb to in the future and the level of need. In-home carers would blow through several thousand a week, easy, if its required. Its incredibly expensive.

Original poster
Giraffeowlllama · 20/05/2026 17:09

I work ft. Mainly wfh so I can be around but sometimes need to travel. We moved to be close to them after covid. I earn what is a good salary but rent in the SE.
Dh was on the same salary as me but now is unable to work so our income halved.
As a uni student I worked in care homes so do understand what is involved.
They may need to go into care but are both so stubborn that they will expect me to do it.

OP posts:
Kizmet1 · 20/05/2026 17:10

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 20/05/2026 17:02

The sense of entitlement which grown adults feel to their parents’ money is disgusting.

The whole idea of bringing up children is that you bring them up to be independent, to forge their own lives, not to bankroll them for all eternity.

What exactly are you doing to improve your situation rather than moaning that your mum won’t give you 10% of her bank balance to fund your dental work?

And nobody can say that their parent will never need to go into a care home. It’s entirely possible that their needs will be such that you can’t take care of them yourselves and it will be necessary.

And most of these care homes cost several thousands a week i.e. hundreds of thousands a year to fund.

Is independence and self reliance a redundant concept now?

Are parents expected to be parents for the rest of their lives and give up their lives, and their money, to their adult children who are perfectly able to fund themselves?

I’d say ask your mum if you can borrow the money, but to expect it is just grabby and entitled.

I don't disagree with everything you've said here, but I am a mother and I do expect to be a mother for the rest of my life.
I have chosen to have one child to maximise the support and care I can provide. That won't just stop because she becomes an adult.
Dental issues that are causing pain and distress are the sort of thing I hope I can always help with if my daughter, like the OP, cannot easily afford it.

Frolie · 20/05/2026 17:11

Have you asked them
to help pay for your dental work. This would make a world
of difference to you. Surely no parent wants their child to suffer pain? I totally ‘get’ that they don’t seem to understand how expensive life is. They were of a boomer generation, with final salary pensions and cheaper housing (which is now worth a fortune!) It doesn’t sound fair and given you are an only child you don’t need to consider siblings, then I do think you need to start asking for some help. As a starter, they could pay your dental bills and at least contribute a small amount to your daughter’s Uni. Good luck

hahabahbag · 20/05/2026 17:11

Yabu but if things are tight, speak to them, perhaps they could help you with university expenses

UnemployedNotRetired · 20/05/2026 17:13

If she has £50k in her current account she's either loaded or not very financially savvy (or, of course, both).

Have you tried asking her?

Deadringer · 20/05/2026 17:14

Its not your inheritance, or even your future inheritance, it's your mother's money, full stop.