AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

Op, it’s only natural to feel frustrated at your current situation. But it’s not on to resent your DM for her bank balance.

That said, maybe you could ask if she feels able to help support your DD at Uni? Help pay for accommodation etc. It’s the sort of thing my parents did for my nieces.

Sorry about your situation, and especially the sore teeth. That sounds miserable.

When we sold our property and purchased another after costs, moving etc, we were left with £40k it was gone within 3 years on every day bills etc.

I think it was a mistake to move nearer your parents if it has made you struggle financially. No decent parent would expect that.

I live about 200 miles from my mum who is in her 80s. I visit her once a month and do a big shop. In-between that she uses buses and local volunteer cars for shopping and appointments. She wouldn't dream of asking me to move closer to help her.

But I do sympathise, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate in addition to the financial worries.

I can’t imagine sitting on pots of cash if my daughter was in your situation - you’re trying your best in an incredibly difficult situation, not expecting to be bankrolled for an easy life.

Yanbu. You could ask her for some money now? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask kindly

@DaisyChain505They like the idea if paying IHT! If they don’t have £1 million they aren’t that rich!

The op seems to think carers don’t cost money! They absolutely do! They aren’t free. Most parents don’t want cars every day from a child. They want to make decisions for themselves.

She's daft to keep all that in her current account but it's not a very large amount of cash to hold in retirement. As is pointed out regularly when people post stuff like this, retirement is different. If the final salary pensions don't meet their needs then they will need to manage their investments in a way that allows them to draw down safely, and a cash buffer is one way to do this.

(To add, I've no idea whether your parents are rolling in excess money or not, just saying that holding £50k cash in retirement isn't excessive.)

It's really rotten that you've taken a kind, generous thing- her buying you lunch- and used it as a basis for resentment.

Was fortunate to retire with three pensions? Or maybe he worked hard to have three pensions. Pisses me off when working hard and getting a good pension is regarded as luck.

@FizzybluewaterI can well believe it sadly. Life is so expensive.

But why are you moaning. They could very well end up in a home, in any case carers don’t come cheap.

if you need help you will need to expressly ask for it rather than leave them guessing.

“Mum, I desperately need £4-5k of dental work doing as I’m in pain, but I just don’t have the money. Feel free to say no but would you be able to help out” but you’re asking for 1/10 of her current account to help you out on one thing.

Getting a final salary pension was good luck for a select generation though. The BBC had an article on this the other day.

OP, you may think they will never need care but you can’t know that they won’t need specialised nursing care which you won’t be able to provide. My friend’s mother lived 4 years on “end of life” morphine in a nursing home. That could not have been provided at home by relatives.

Your parents and lots of people on this thread need to read Die With Zero.

OP I really feel for you, I can’t imagine knowing DS (also an only child) was struggling financially and not helping him out. Funnily enough he’s just about to move to a different city now that he’s finished uni and one of the many things we’ve said we’ll pay for is a private dental plan.

I agree with you- this is very frustrating. I think you should talk to your mum and be very honest, as it sounds like you have a wonderful loving relationship. Sometimes people have unreasonable anxiety about giving away money to the very people they want the money to go to (my parents did, at times, as they got older). You might be able to reassure her and also ask for help now when you need it.

£50,000 isn’t very much when you’re never going to earn money again. It isn’t a huge sum. And she paid for your lunch…

This here. I don't have parents any more but am comfortably off (no children) and regard my younger brother and his family as my closest kin. As such, I've helped them out financially and was very happy to help with a gift of money when he was unexpectedly made redundant, to get them through until he found another job (which he did very quickly indeed).

I offered - but if your mother doesn't, use the suggested words to ask for help, OP.

My grandad has an incredible final salary pension. I’m talking six figures. We thought he’d never go into a care home either as family were there to care for him and he seemed very fit and well. Then he had a mental health crisis and attempted suicide a number of times. It wasn’t possible or healthy for family to watch him and care for his mental health so now he spends the best part of £10k a month on care. He also has to fund running the house his wife still lives in (and we pray she never needs care as they can’t afford that).

So ten years ago his kids (when they were in their 50s) might have thought what you did. Now they’re worried about what they’re going to do with him when his money runs out and are extremely grateful they didn’t spend it early.

If you can’t fund your own lifestyle you need to look at how YOU can fix that, not look to someone who has taken the steps to adequately fund their own lives.

Although as a parent I would pay for your teeth if asked.

I agree with others OP. Talk to her reassure her and tell her how much at the very least the money for your dental work will change your life right now. It’s worth a try.

I know iabu!

Its just a moan.
I am v fortunate to have my parents
I will help them as much as I can. My df was ill last year and I moved in for 2 months to help while wfh.
Its just I genuinely dont think they understand how much things things arenow and that salaries haven't gone up.
Dm has just bought another mulberry bag as it was cute yesterday.
Maybe I need to sit them down and ask for help.
When I was at uni they paid for my accommodation but if I wanted to eat I needed a job ( they wouldn't let me apply for a grant and I was too naive to think differently)

Have you discussed this with her? Would she mind if you requested a portion of your inheritance now? Does she realise how tight things are for you? My mother is the eldest of three and is the only one who has not already recieved a large portion of their inheritance from her Mum. One Aunt wanted it to buy a house and the other used hers to visit a school in Tanzania that her school sponsors. My Grandmother was more than happy to give her daughters this money and we have to trust that they won't demand a full third of what's left when the time comes. You are the only person who can predict how she will react and if you don't ask, you don't get.

I understand your frustration. DH and I have had similar conversations. My parents don't plan on leaving anything, to the point that they sold their house and moved in with my brother so they could spend all the equity on lavish holidays/meals out etc. They don't have a penny to their name now and live off their fairly mediocre pensions and my brother's naïve generosity.
My FIL is a widower and obsessed with hoarding money. My DH and I have never really had any money and live a simple frugal life, which we actually prefer. We realise, though, how important it is to have a roof over your head and food in your stomach to feel secure. To that end, we've decided that any money inherited from FIL would go straight to our children and would bypass us completely. Because, we believe, money really is best used when you are young to secure the things that really matter in life (including being able to afford to have your own children). So, yes, I do understand your frustration.

You need to read Die With Zero yourself if you think it says that people in retirement shouldn't hold assets.

YANBU.

We're feeling the pinch right now and having to make lifestyle adjustments to afford the rising COL.

When my DP pass away, I will (hopefully!) be in my 60s. My kids will have left home and be financially independent, the mortgage will be long paid off and our pensions will be in good shape if everything continues as it is now.

It will be for me to pay off the IHT bill before splitting what's left with my DB, and then I'll be sat on a load of money I don't need. I will probably just give it all straight to my daughter and stepdaughter so at least my grandchildren will benefit.

£50k isn’t a life-changing amount of money. Let your mum enjoy her life ffs

Ok my point was she has £50k in her current account. Df and dm have £00000s in their savings.