About relative insisting on splitting the bill?

[Beachdays13]

Where do people stand on splitting the bill? Because I’m not sure if I’m being the tight one here.

I have a relative and when we go out for meals he always insists on splitting the bill between everyone. I’ll explain a couple of the scenarios.

So once we went for a meal, there was around 10 people. I was pregnant so not drinking and had my (then 4yo) ds with me. Ds didn’t have his own meal he just shared a bit of mine and my husbands food.

A lot of people had a few alcohol drinks each, starters, sides. At the end of the meal relative announced we would split the bill equally including for my ds who hadn’t even had his own meal. It was a birthday so I felt I didn’t want to ruin the mood by saying no.

A few years later another birthday meal. Dh and I went without our children. We didn’t have drinks or starters, I actually ended up sharing half of my food with my niece because her parents ask if she could share. I didn’t mind because she was being fussy and I know how it can be with kids.

Once again most people had alcohol, starters etc. relative announces that we will split the bill equally, including niece. My nieces parent then pipes up that niece didn’t have anything, but didn’t offer to cover some of my bill. So I ended up paying an equal share even though I had half a meal and a soft drink.

I know I could speak up but this relative doesn’t ask he just announces.

Aibu to think they all sound like cheeky fuckers?

I think generally I'd be on team "Equal Split" just to avoid the awkward calculator moment and keep things light and easy.
But if there are really obvious discrepancies like one person has had four cocktails and four courses, but someone else has only had a main meal and tap water, then of course they shouldn't face any pressure to chip in so much and just pay for their main and a bit towards a tip if they're comfortable with that.

If you don't want to split the bill, just speak up.
You're not doing anything mean or bad in stating that you'd just like to pay for your own food.

I don’t know. We always pay for our adult sons if we go out, as it’s nice to treat them and their girlfriends, so I get the paying for them bit. But there’s no way I’d expect others to share that cost.

My friend is lovely, but has absolutely no concept of money. She’s never worked and she doesn’t think about any of this stuff.

That happened to me years ago. I just said no, I'm paying only for the small amount I've had and the soft drink. It caused a fuss but I couldn't really afford to go for the meal but my friend was leaving to live in Australia.

Right. So you're paying for her daughters food and wine - she's never worked so presumably she has a wealthy husband. She's taking the piss. Of course she knows you are subsidising her. No one is that stupid.

So you basically paid for half of four people's meals and her daughters paid zero?

If it was an infrequent get together I probably wouldn't care to much but you do seem to be getting targeted as a soft touch (both you and your dh). A split bill should be between meals so your son shouldn't have been charged, your niece was not your responsibility. With regards to alcohol suggest you have a separate bill for alcohol and the drinkers can split if they choose.

He hasn't the right to insist you split equally between everyone, regardless of what they consumed. That requires the consent of the whole group.

Just politely firmly state you're just paying for what you had. Get the waiter over and just pay for those items, then the rest can either split or do it per person.

Don't let him make the decision for you.

Recently I’ve eaten out with my family quite a lot, 12 of us had a few days away for my son’s wedding. Our arrangements re paying bills varied depending on where we were, what people had eaten etc.

So sometimes if we had all eaten pretty much the same ( two courses from a standard menus) and shared bottles of wine then we would split the bill between us. If however we’d had different things, maybe some only having one course or not drinking alcohol then we paid for what we ate. It is easy to just use your card or phone to pay the waiter in turn, adding on your own tip.

The only exception was the last night when we went to a reasonable priced restaurant when I stated after the food and initial drinks had been ordered that I was going to pay for everyone as a thank you for coming to the wedding. At that point though, I noticed that the alcohol did not flow as much as usual as they did not want to take advantage of my hospitality so I had to order more for the whole table! And insist on having desserts!

I think you really need to state clearly at the beginning of the meal before anything is ordered that you’d prefer to pay according to what you eat. You might find that others would also prefer this but had been scared to upset the more dominant person. Restaurants are much more set up to take individual cards and amounts, but this depends on everyone being honest about their bill and also adding a tip.

Speak up fgs. In saying that when we go out as a group we would always say non drinkers pay less we just work it out not to exact € but thereabouts so it's more fair. A friend of mine loves fine dining & the whole starter main desert - i just avoid n say meet for coffee or a drink after or another time. I just can't justify the cost n I wouldn't go n just have a glass of water n a bread roll that's awkward!

Is this happening one a month? Say something about paying a fairer share.

Once or twice a year? I'd just pay and let it go.

It is easier to split the bill for big table and normally evens out over time. However as you are always overpaying I would def say something. I would probably speak to relative beforehand rather than start discussion at the table.

"Mum/dad/auntie, we are going to get out on bill for dinner. We find it easier to budget if we keep it seperate. I will ask waiter to do seperate bill just letting you know in advance so it doesnt cause any awkwardness"

I can see why in group settings splitting the bill equally can seems like the easiest option and we do this in my family. I have worked out the individual costs and looked at wether splitting equally is fair for us and overall it is,no one is a big drinker and most choose 2 courses.
I can see why this isn't fair in the scenarios you describe here so i dont think you are being unreasonable.
I think if you don't drink alcohol or much alcohol or have children, its perhaps best to just ask staff discretely for your bill to be separate at the start.
AS for you sharing your meal with your niece thats unreasonable that you were asked to do that.

I prefer for everyone to just pay for what they ate/drank and split the bill that way as it's fair. I don't mind splitting the bill equally if we've consumed roughly the same amount in cost food/drink wise but I'd not be impressed if someone was expecting me to partially foot the bill for their alcoholic drinks that I didn't partake in.

Non drinkers should never be asked to split

I wouldn’t dream of apportioning part
of the bill to a child even if they are. Surely 15 people can absorb a £5 nugget meal

you seriously need to speak up though

Next time after you've eaten, just pop to the loo and go via the counter and pay for your share. When relative pipes up about splitting just say "oh I've already paid ours, I did it when I nipped to the loo"

Watch. His. Face.

Fair enough. Two ideas for the OP then 😊

It’s not that often, maybe a few times a year. I mentioned those two occasions because we’d actually paid for a meal for ds when he shared ours and the other time I’d shared with niece.

I definitely should have spoke up, but this relative he is the organiser and he is always the one who announced that we are splitting the bill.

No one else ever complains so I worry I’ll look tight. But at the same time I probably am a bit tight in as far as I budget very carefully.

In future I am going to speak up. I’ve always been such a people pleaser

It never works in our favour though because we never order alcohol or starters etc. I always have the cheap food never the steak or whatever.

It usually is easier.

But it doesn't matter whether it's easier or not if not everyone wants to do it. It would be easier again if you all ordered the exact same meal, or if nobody had any allergies, or if nobody ordered alcoholic drinks, or if one person paid for everything, or if everyone paid by card, but that doesn't mean you have to do any of those things!

Also while it might be easier, nowadays with all phones having calculators and most people being able to pay by card, it's not really that much of a difference, again, certainly not enough to justify going along with something you're not happy with.

Usually when I'm out with friends/colleagues/family we all just pay for ourselves. The rare occasion when we split is is usually in a smaller group when we've all had very similar amounts - e.g. a set meal, or say an indian where we all had one main and then shared some starters and sides, so at most people are only over/underpaying by a pound or two.

I agree I wouldn’t have allowed them to be included in the number.

next time you have a family meal op you need to say in advance to whoever is inviting yoj /oragnizing that you’ll split according to your family orders as you’re not drinking - just sharing with everyone in advance.

If you don’t want to speak up and challenge directly just let wait staff know you’d like your order on a seperate bill or when you’ve finished, get up and pay for what you’ve ordered then when relative announces you’ll be splitting the bill you can just say ‘oh we’ve already paid for ours.’

It had a better impact and made a point…

It was a celebration meal I wanted to attend, and that my presence would have been missed had I not attended.

I was heavily pregnant so no alcohol and acid reflux meant juices etc were unpleasant. Tap water was fine - I don’t need mineral water. It also stopped me eating much at all, and certainly nothing too rich. Isn’t being pregnant fun!

The party was aware of all of that, and that I would be there late because I had to wait for my OH to get home so I could have the car, which some benefitted from. I think they also understood that being there for the whole session would have been a bit much for me.

They hadn’t however thought about the bill…

We always pay for ourselves unless it’s a treat.

Split food equally unless someone didn't order (so by meal, not person)
All drinks individually. Always. Just say in advance at start of email before Mr Knobhead rears to his hind legs

If you go out with them again when ordering let the waiter know you'd like a seperate bill.