About relative insisting on splitting the bill?

[Beachdays13]

Where do people stand on splitting the bill? Because I’m not sure if I’m being the tight one here.

I have a relative and when we go out for meals he always insists on splitting the bill between everyone. I’ll explain a couple of the scenarios.

So once we went for a meal, there was around 10 people. I was pregnant so not drinking and had my (then 4yo) ds with me. Ds didn’t have his own meal he just shared a bit of mine and my husbands food.

A lot of people had a few alcohol drinks each, starters, sides. At the end of the meal relative announced we would split the bill equally including for my ds who hadn’t even had his own meal. It was a birthday so I felt I didn’t want to ruin the mood by saying no.

A few years later another birthday meal. Dh and I went without our children. We didn’t have drinks or starters, I actually ended up sharing half of my food with my niece because her parents ask if she could share. I didn’t mind because she was being fussy and I know how it can be with kids.

Once again most people had alcohol, starters etc. relative announces that we will split the bill equally, including niece. My nieces parent then pipes up that niece didn’t have anything, but didn’t offer to cover some of my bill. So I ended up paying an equal share even though I had half a meal and a soft drink.

I know I could speak up but this relative doesn’t ask he just announces.

Aibu to think they all sound like cheeky fuckers?

Just ask the waitress or waiter for a bill for what you actually had and pay it. No need to be paying for other people

If it’s a huge difference then “mine cost £x so I’ll,pay that and you can split the rest between you thanks “

that’s all you need to say?

I hate being assertive too and have been in therapy for it and can say I’m a lot better at it now. When you sit down for dinner just tell everyone “me and DH are saving so will just be paying for what us and DS eat” and say no more. Don’t pay for other people, or let others share your food and not speak up and get upset about it. It just festers into resentment x

You have a you problem.

"I know I could speak up but this relative doesn’t ask he just announces"

You know what to do. Speak up before people start to order or just when it's time to pay AJ your announce before the relative or push back and insist you pay based on what you eat. Your niece's parent spoke up about your niece so it can be done.

Think you needed to tell them you would only be paying for what you had eaten at the time rather than worrying about it years later

Maybe your relative is easy come easy go and the cost isn't important to them. They haven't particularly paid attention to what everyone else is ordering etc they're just going with what's easiest/fastest/less complicated.
They might well think the hassle of working out who pays what isn't worth the time it takes.

You're clearly going to have to speak up, you can make it a jokey comment, it doesn't need to be confrontational. Ask for a separate tab when ordering.

Use your voice. Bonkers to put up with this and then feel bitter about it. Stop worrying about shit like It was a birthday so I felt I didn’t want to ruin the mood by saying no. No one cared about your mood and this relative doesn't give a shit about how anyone else is feeling. Stop being silent and say you'll pay for what you had as you don't drink/didn't eat much/DC didn't have a meal. Assert yourself or suck it up.

I agree with you but this is unnecessarily complicated. Every place I’ve eaten at (pubs, restaurants, not small cafes) in the last two years has been able to take itemised payments for individuals- so we just go to the till, pay for our own drinks and food, and everyone else does the same.

Same.

Just either speak up before ‘I’m not drinking or having a starter so we won’t be splitting the bill’. Or text in the group chat.

or except you’re paying more for being not rocking the boat if that’s important to you.

Why are you being such a weed about it? They say one thing, you can totally say something different back, it doesn't have to turn into an argument. Actually the easiest thing to do is say BEFORE you all order, "We won't be having drinks or starters, so we'll only be paying for what we order. I hope that's ok.". Do NOT ask "is that ok with everyone ?" you don't need to ask their permission to only pay for what you eat. Also you can ask the waiting staff to run you & DH a separate bill. They don't usually mind.

There some scenarios when, unfortunately, you can't say 'I am not going', but they are most work-related. But there are scenarios, when people who do not have the money, should simply not go. Why do you keep going if you know how it will end?

Yes, your relatives are being unreasonable expecting you to split the bill, but you are being a complete mug going along with it - you're allowing it to happen then complaining about it!

I put you’re being unreasonable for moaning about it rather than just saying something at the time. This is taking up too much of your head space for something that is such a small part of your life.

You need to say when you accept the invitation that you’ll be paying for yourselves. No room for him to take over then.

Some people are starting to get a bit nasty about this.
Some people find being assertive around a group of people easy, some find it horrendously hard.
I used to avoid it like the plague because I would easily go red, stumble my words and go over it 1000 times after it happened.
I am soo much better now but I only got here by telling myself I had to do hard things, I had to grow as a person and that takes coming out of your comfort zone. It takes a lot of practice but it's essential to push yourself to overcome these things.

Just say at the beginning of the meal you'll be paying for yourself and your DS only and not splitting the bill. Job done.

You're saying the same thing though, and you don't know that everyone else didn't find it hard to speak up at some point. The solution is the same: speak up. And if OP can't, she can't keep complaining. The others aren't mind-readers. If she keeps showing up and going along with it, they'll assume it's all hunky dory.

Yes I absolutely am saying the same thing but I'm not calling her a complete mug or asking why she is being such a weed about it 🤷‍♀️

The reason that I split equally and other people I go out with do is that we don't have lots of spare cash. I cant afford to pay for other people. If you feel uncomfortable - don't go or speak up

This happened to me once; it had been decided that the bill would be split before I arrived. I arrived late, was driving, I only drink tap water and I had a main course which was between £10-15.

The rest of the table had been there for pre meal drinks, had a three course meal with plenty of wine and after dinner drinks. And there was then a service charge. Each person was asked to pay well over £100.

When the card machine came round I directed the waiter to the next person without paying. Of course l, the bill came up short.

I played “dumb” and said I’d assumed since I’d only had a £15 meal that they had excluded me from the split and were kindly paying for me as no one had mentioned otherwise (particularly as I was giving lifts home).

When asked why I thought that, I responded by asking why they thought I would be paying for, in effect, two bottles of wine when I wasn’t drinking.

I’ve never had an issue since…

These people are relatives. Not strangers.

Just make it clear you'll pay for what you have.
I was once caught out like this when much younger at a work event; never again!
In fact at my last work place, it could be as much as 12 of us, but we'd all pay for ourselves. We ask the venue in advance, and it is fine.
More and more places are geared up to that.
Even to the extent of adding in your own bit of a tip.

That's a crazy difference, cheeky bastards, well done for calling them out.