About relative insisting on splitting the bill?

[Beachdays13]

Where do people stand on splitting the bill? Because I’m not sure if I’m being the tight one here.

I have a relative and when we go out for meals he always insists on splitting the bill between everyone. I’ll explain a couple of the scenarios.

So once we went for a meal, there was around 10 people. I was pregnant so not drinking and had my (then 4yo) ds with me. Ds didn’t have his own meal he just shared a bit of mine and my husbands food.

A lot of people had a few alcohol drinks each, starters, sides. At the end of the meal relative announced we would split the bill equally including for my ds who hadn’t even had his own meal. It was a birthday so I felt I didn’t want to ruin the mood by saying no.

A few years later another birthday meal. Dh and I went without our children. We didn’t have drinks or starters, I actually ended up sharing half of my food with my niece because her parents ask if she could share. I didn’t mind because she was being fussy and I know how it can be with kids.

Once again most people had alcohol, starters etc. relative announces that we will split the bill equally, including niece. My nieces parent then pipes up that niece didn’t have anything, but didn’t offer to cover some of my bill. So I ended up paying an equal share even though I had half a meal and a soft drink.

I know I could speak up but this relative doesn’t ask he just announces.

Aibu to think they all sound like cheeky fuckers?

Why did you share your meal with your niece? I wouldn’t have been doing that - her parent can share, or they can get her a meal of her own.

Do you have issues with being assertive generally? Because if the niece’s parent can stand up for themselves, so can you. One person doesn’t get to dictate.

Why don’t you just announce at the start that you’ll be paying for what you order and eat/drink.

Relative (nor indeed anyone else) doesn’t get to take control here.

I assume you told niece’s parents that she’d shared your meal?

Why did you accept splitting a bill with a child that hadn’t eaten from your plate?

Just say no. I know it's awkward, but with people like this you have to out-brazen them. Funny how it's always the ones who order steak and champagne who want to split evenly.

Practise your "that doesn't work for me, I'm going to pay for what I ordered" in front of a mirror until it feels natural and easy!

Yanbu to pay for what you actually ate/drunk.
Yabu for going along with it and letting your niece eat your meal!

If you cant stand uo for yourself just don't eat out with a big group in the future. Or pop to the loo when everyone is getting desserts and pay for what your family had there and then. Say you have to leave early and have already paid.

It was spicy food and her parents were having something very spicy I was having something milder so her dad asked if she could share mine.

I actually didn’t mind the sharing as there was enough food, but I thought it was cheeky to then expect me to split the bill with a table of 15.

Yes am shit at being assertive. On occasions where I do be assertive people really don’t like it. But I also think people should take the piss.

We dine with a group of family and we simply get our own "check". Put ours on a seperate bill please - thats all it takes. A simple statement to the server.

CF relative can swivel.

When they say oh no, stand firm 'its fine Gary, its not issue for them to maintain seperate checks"

You’re going to have to find your voice and speak up! ‘No, Bob, that’s not fair. Let’s all pay for what we are.’

You were crazy to pay your DS share when he hadn't had a meal. If you find it difficult to be assertive why didn't your DH speak up?

where I do be assertive people really don’t like it.

The people who object to you setting a boundary are usually those who were benefitting from taking advantage.

Its ok for you to be Be more assertive; you dont owe anyone your peace.

where I do be assertive people really don’t like it.

They don’t care if you don’t like covering their costs, do they? So why should you care about what they don’t like?

Just say it at the beginning. People don’t have a good argument to split a bill evenly, especially with card machines. they are just relying on you keeping quiet. They should be the ones feeling awkward

There are so many ways to split bills now with apps. Next time you are going out, say in the message group/text that that’s how it’ll be done.

Could you enlist someone else at these gatherings who doesn't drink or eat as much and ask them to help speak out.
You missed the opportunity to point that out when you shared with your niece to be honest but I'd say speak up at the start of the meal not the end.

I definitely need to speak up more.

But I know some people think it’s easier just to split a bill when it’s a large table.

Is it a massive difference in £ to split?
Thats how I would think about it. If it is, worth speaking up; if not, I’d not make it awkward.
However, no one would be eating half of my dinner etc.

Your relative spoke up to say they hadn’t bought a meal for your niece (ignoring that she ate some of yours for a moment) and so there is no reason why you couldn’t do similar in other circumstances. Did the relative get cast out the family for speaking up?

At the start of the meal you say 'I am not planning on having a lot of fod/drinking so would like to keep my bill separate' thats all you have to do. And then ask the waiter if you can keep a separate tab.
With ten people it would be very annoying at the end to go through and itemised bill for everyone but if you ask the waiter at the start to keep a tab for you then it will be easier.

Next time before they say anything, announce that you will all pay for what you have

It was spicy food and her parents were having something very spicy I was having something milder so her dad asked if she could share mine.

So her parents have no respect for you. If they didn’t want to get her her own meal, one of them should have ordered something they could share with her.

There is a pattern emerging here with how you are treated by your family. You definitely need to start standing up for yourself, even if it’s difficult, or you’ll just continue to be the one that people expect to “be kind”

Just ask for a separate bill when you order.

Once every few years? I wouldn’t sweat it really if you didn’t speak at the time.

Just say "ill pay for what weve ordered thanks"

Problem solved

Equally, you aren’t happy with your relative being the assertive one.

You’d be financially better off it was him unhappy, rather than you though!!

I think it's totally insane for a parent to ask you to split your meal with their child. Their child = their problem. They can order something else, give her a snack, whatever. Nothing to do with you and you shouldn't have said yes if you resented it.

For me personally for something that sounds sporadic I probably would just suck it up if I could easily afford it. Or I'd speak up at the start and ask for my own bill. I wouldn't split my meal with a child, pay full price for my toddler who didn't get any food or seethe quietly.